DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m puzzling over what is considered good etiquette in grocery stores.

I don’t get in the checkout line until I’ve gotten everything, and I don’t delay the checker with special requests or interminable chatting. I try to be patient, but today I lost it a bit when the woman checking out ahead of me first delayed the line with long questions to the checker about the availability of a certain type of bean, which the checker enabled with multiple calls to the back room, where no one picked up.

Once that was resolved, the checker informed the customer that there was no tag on a bulk item and we had to wait again until someone came up to get the item and take it back into the store to find the correct code for it.

During the second lengthy delay, the woman apologized to me and I politely responded that I would never make others wait for me the way she was making me wait. Her response, however, indicated that she believed that she was a helpless victim of circumstances, and as much a victim as I was.

Given how unlikely it is that anything could be said that would make these types of narcissists consider other people before themselves, is there a positive way of handling these situations? I don’t want to pick on the checkers because I know it’s a tough job, but couldn’t they be trained to shuttle these sorts of time-wasters off to the service desk?

GENTLE READER: Before answering your question, Miss Manners feels compelled to ensure that we have a shared vocabulary, an inevitable delay for which she hopes you will forgive her.

In her dictionary, responding to an apology by saying that you would never be so rude yourself cannot reasonably be termed “polite.” The woman in front of you acted inconsiderately -- possibly intentionally, possibly by accident. But she apologized. The “positive” way to respond is to accept her apology gracefully. If you are instead looking for an “active” way to respond, you will have to switch to another checkout line.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father received two letters from people he does not know, written by hand on yellow notebook paper. They were variants on, “Can I buy your house? Please contact (phone number).”

Our house is not on the market and we have no plans to sell. How should we respond, especially because these letters seem very importunate and rude? One does not walk up to someone and say, “I love your coat. Can I buy it from you?” Nor does one write letters to strangers that say, “Can I make love to you? Please call (phone number).”

GENTLE READER: As your examples amply demonstrate, such behavior from one person to another is impolite. But as the actual proposal is for a commercial transaction, Miss Manners prefers to place it under business, rather than personal, etiquette. A company making an offer on your house is merely irritating. And following business manners, your father, the recipient, is empowered simply to ignore it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A professor in our department took leave in order to give birth. When we heard the happy news that a baby girl had been born, I commented, “I wonder if she plans to bring her in?” It is always exciting to see a new baby.

One of our colleagues replied, “She already HAS brought her in,” clearly meaning that the lady had come into the office while still pregnant.

This colleague is known to be the only fundamentalist Christian in the building. I’m not sure if he was trying to be funny or to make a political statement. I was stunned into silence. Is there anything one could possibly say to something like this?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette does not go looking for infractions. This would be true even if she did not already have her hands full with the infractions that find her.

The proper response is therefore to treat the comment as well-intended, even if you suspect it meant more. If Miss Manners did not object to infants at work, she would have lightly told your co-worker that it is more fun to interact with a baby who can grab one’s finger and gurgle.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the protocol as to who sets up the luncheon or the dinner -- the outgoing board or the incoming board?

GENTLE READER: By “sets up,” Miss Manners assumes you mean, “Who asks the staff to issue the invitations, reserve the location, arrange the meal and welcome the guests?”

The answer is that it depends upon the purpose and timing of the event. Technically, only the sitting board is in a position to issue invitations. But a meal meant to thank the outgoing board should be given by the incoming board, while one meant to welcome the new board (and introduce them to their duties as hosts) is thrown by the outgoing board. The same rules apply if the “set-up” includes cooking the food and washing the dishes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law is bringing her dogs camping with us Friday. Her dogs all have fleas, so I feel she should stay home with them so my animals don’t get them, too. But she won’t leave them.

Now I feel I need to stay home with my dog and miss out. How do I tell her it’s rude to bring them, and that sick kids and dogs need to stay home? Am I wrong?

GENTLE READER: You are not wrong, but neither can you tell her she is being rude. What you can tell her is how sorry you are to have to stay home, as you were looking forward to it, but you feel that you owe it to Woofie.

Miss Manners might even add that you know that “of course she will understand,” all evidence to the contrary -- so long as you stop at the close quote. Your declaration may or may not change her decision, but it will spare your family any lasting souvenirs of the vacation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This might ruin your day, but here are some puzzling greetings (or non-greetings) that my friends have received:

My friend’s cousin messaged her half-dozen least favorite cousins on Facebook, telling them that they would not be invited to her wedding, apologizing, hoping they would not be hurt -- and directing them to her gift registry. My dear friend was baffled, and confessed that she would never have known that she wasn’t invited had it not been for the social media message.

Another friend was accosted by an acquaintance telling her not to expect a Christmas card because she had only purchased 25 and needed to send them to other people. When my friend replied that the non-greeter needn’t worry, she would just refrain from sending a Christmas present, the non-greeter begged her to wait and promised she would find a card (somehow) and send it. My friend kindly refrained from asking what number she was, if she didn’t make the cut of 25.

GENTLE READER: Yes, it ruined Miss Manners’ day.

Sadly, she was not unaware of the egotism that characterizes these examples -- the urge to tell people they are not in favor enough to receive invitations or presents. But she finds particularly appalling the notion that there is some sort of social obligation to announce “nyah nyah” to the excluded.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The issue of workplace kettle refilling is a contentious one at my office. Some believe that refilling and boiling is the courteous thing to do; others argue that merely refilling is necessary, as boiling without immediate use is a waste of resources; and still others forgo refilling altogether because they prefer freshly once-boiled water and would dump out the kettle contents anyway.

What would you suggest is the proper “kettiquette” to follow?

GENTLE READER: Do you folks have any work to do? In that case, Miss Manners would suggest ending this admittedly fascinating debate by investing in a kettle that stays plugged in, offering unused hot water to everyone, and getting back to work.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have received an invitation to a bridal shower honoring the future daughter-in-law of a close friend. The invitation includes the address where the event will be held, but not only are there no instructions on how to RSVP, but also the hostess is not named. There is a return address on the envelope, but again, no name.

I suppose the hostess felt there was no point in including this information because she supposes no one would respond. However, I feel awkward showing up at a stranger’s home this way.

I assume that to be correct I ought to reply to the return address? If I do, however, the hostess may feel that I am the strange one.

GENTLE READER: It is possible, as you gather, that whoever is giving this party simply does not know how to write an invitation. But Miss Manners finds equally disturbing the presumption that it is futile to expect responses. She is delighted that you, at least, intend to do the right thing -- as soon as you find out to whom you owe your response, from your close friend.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)