DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. I found out through a mutual friend that this past Sunday, my doctor’s daughter passed away at the young age of 18. The last time I saw him, he had spoken of his daughter fondly (this was while she was still alive).

He is my gynecologist, and I am currently pregnant, so I will see him again very soon, and very often, for the next few months. I feel almost guilty about the upcoming birth of my child while he grieves for the loss of his.

I want to write him offering my condolences and maybe somehow mention the beautiful thoughts he had shared with me on my last visit. Any ideas how to approach this?

Also, I’m unsure of how and how often to bring her up in my upcoming appointments, if at all. How do I ask how he is doing without sounding like I feel sorry for him? How do I share my joy without stomping on his pain? Should I suppress it? Should I comment on it?

I have no idea how to move forward with this. I want to let him know that my thoughts and prayers are with him and his family without suffocating him with my condolences.

GENTLE READER: That is the beauty of the condolence letter. It allows the sender a forum purely to express sympathy without requiring a response from the mourner other than thanks. Write a letter, including, as you stated, how touched and affected you were by the stories your doctor shared with you.

Miss Manners suggests that you do this before you see him next. Then at appointments, keep it professional and ask the questions that you would normally ask. He is your doctor, and a gynecologist. He will surely have realized that he will be around expectant mothers -- and figure out for himself how to manage that. If he wants to talk about the situation, he will. Your only duty is to make his job as easy for him as possible.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I sat down at an public picnic table, joining some friends. A lone woman already seated there -- not part of our group -- asked my husband to move because she didn’t like his cologne. There were many empty seats available.

We did move to the other end of the picnic table. Who is responsible to find another place if a person’s fragrance is disliked?

GENTLE READER: There is a logic to placing the burden on the newcomer and the fragrant, both of which would be your husband.

But the price of such logic is high, namely the rudeness of telling your husband that he smells bad. Miss Manners would have counseled the lone woman to act only after giving serious thought to moving upwind herself, or to enduring.

By relocating, you made the gracious assumption that the woman had considered the alternatives, and found them impossible. A tight-lipped compliance on your part would be the best way to indicate the likelihood that that assumption is dubious.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to the wedding of a family member whom I never see and am not close with. I did RSVP to say I was attending; however, at the last minute I could not attend.

Another family member and I were sent the same message through text: “Why didn’t you come to my wedding? I’m so upset at the amount of money I still had to pay for your meal!”

My husband was ready to send her a check! I said “NOOO!!”

I responded as to why I couldn’t be there. She’s still not satisfied, and continues to tell me how much she had to pay for our dinner, as if she expects us to reimburse her.

Was that right of her to chastise us? I understand her disappointment, but she took it too far by telling us her cost due to our absence, and by still reeling over it a month later.

I found out there were 17 others who did not attend. That is the chance one takes when having an event. You invite 150 people, and only a percentage attend. It’s expected; am I wrong? I wonder if she asked anyone else who did not attend that same question.

She should be concentrating on her marriage. I wonder what her new husband thinks. It’s her second marriage, by the way, with grown children.

GENTLE READER: Your cavalier attitude about both missing the wedding and the percentage of guests expected to be absent has canceled any sympathy that Miss Manners would be otherwise expected to have toward someone treated as crudely as you were. Especially as it is not clear that you alerted anyone to your impending absence or apologized for it afterwards.

Without excusing the bride, this situation would try even the most sane hostess -- not just for the monetary loss, which your family member is obviously focused on -- but for its rudeness.

While you do not owe this bride for your missed dinner, you do owe her a proper apology. But only if you want her to let you concentrate on anything other than this situation for the foreseeable future.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While I was at a playground with my grandchildren, I witnessed a father trying to force his son, about 4 years old, to go across the monkey bars. The little boy was terrified. He was screaming and crying out that he didn’t want to do it. The father, at one point, even called him a sissy. The child’s mother was visibly upset, and whispered to the father that everyone was staring at him. He loudly yelled, “I don’t care who’s looking!” He continued to force his son to hang from the bars. Finally, the father gave up in disgust with his son.

I wanted so badly to interfere and help this child, but assumed the father would yell an expletive-laden “MYOB” at me. The child did not seem in imminent physical danger, but he was in a lot of emotional pain. Is there anything I should have done?

GENTLE READER: Assured your grandchildren that they will never by treated similarly. And then encouraged them to go play with the poor boy afterwards.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My cousin Dora lives an hour away from us. On the rare occasions when she comes for a visit, we have allowed Dora to bring her dog, even though we are not particularly dog lovers. We consider it a small price to pay for my cousin’s company and her peace of mind (because she can take the dog out on schedule).

Then we got a cat. When I mentioned it to Dora, she expressed revulsion and demanded that if she were to come for a visit, we lock the cat away so that she wouldn’t have to interact with it. She made no mention of an allergy, or of any history of her dog’s not getting along with cats, so it’s just that she doesn’t particularly like them.

Our cat is friendly, and will approach a stranger but then go away if she doesn’t get any attention. Do good manners require keeping her in another room when Dora visits?

GENTLE READER: They do, although Miss Manners recognizes that doing so will be doubly unappealing after your cousin’s behavior. Her reaction to your news was rude, and it seems unjust to lock up Snooky in her own home while the guest, Chester, runs free.

But such are the rules. Even the best-behaved air-breathing pets sometimes sniff or sit in inappropriate places, so a polite host will either quarantine them or obtain guests’ consent to some other arrangement.

For readers inclined to chide Miss Manners that Snooky has the same rights as the human residents of the home, she answers that she should then also have the same responsibility to make guests comfortable.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one address errors in grammar, spelling or other academic subjects from a school or teacher?

Ordinarily, I would never dream of correcting a friend or colleague’s grammar, but when I receive a misspelled information notice from the school, or a grammatically incorrect letter from my child’s teacher, I shudder.

Worse, I am finding examples of these errors in the curriculum. When my son incorrectly answered his science questions, I checked the article he had been provided and found a conglomeration of missing and faraway antecedents, with several hanging and ambiguous pronouns.

My son had answered the questions based on his best understanding of a grammatical disaster, and the purpose of the science lesson was lost.

What is the best way to address these issues with the school and teacher? Should the school’s communications to parents be addressed, or only the errors within the teaching material?

GENTLE READER: Both can and should be addressed, but on different grounds. The ban against correcting the grammar of a correspondent does not apply in your case, because it is itself the subject of a professional relationship -- namely, the school teaching your son proper grammar.

That this is true for the science problem is self-evident. The communications to parents can be characterized as supporting evidence that the school is setting a bad example for students -- and does not know how to correct the problem. Miss Manners suggests you take the issue up the chain of command if responses from the teacher are not satisfactory.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)