life

Lessons in Deflecting Political Queries

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | February 26th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Being a Washingtonian, I inevitably have to discuss politics with anyone from the mailman to my boyfriend’s parents, whether I want to or not.

At dinner with a few families, I was asked directly whether or not I thought a politician should be fired due to a specific incident. I was both astounded that I was asked so directly, and embarrassed that I didn’t have an opinion. Truly shocked, I fumbled for a response. I knew very little about the matter, as I had been traveling and working long days, with little screen time to catch up on news.

Is there a polite and genuine way to relay that I don’t feel informed enough to have an opinion without sounding rude or ignorant?

GENTLE READER: Do you not realize that when people badger you for your opinion, they only want to make sure that it agrees with theirs -- and are planning to badger you more if it does not?

You may skip that by giving them the opportunity to sound off, which Miss Manners suggests doing by saying, “I haven’t made up my mind. Tell me what you think.”

life

Miss Manners for February 26, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | February 26th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A father recently passed away, leaving two daughters, 16 and 11. The relatives have established a college fund website for the girls. Donations are made online, and the donor’s name and donation amount can remain visible, or one or both can be hidden.

What is the proper thing to do? If the amount is not visible, then the family won’t know what you gave them. But you might not want it visible, either, if you gave little (or a lot). Neither option feels comfortable.

GENTLE READER: Do you suppose that there should be a donor-level distinction in letters of thanks for such kind benefactors? From “How generous of you” to “Gee, thanks,” to “Can’t you do better?”

Miss Manners would think that the bereaved would be touched by any such response, without measuring the amount of gratitude by counting the till.

life

Miss Manners for February 26, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | February 26th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I host many dinner parties. Whereas I am an abysmal cook, my partner is an amazing one. Often at one of our hosted dinners, I will bite into something truly delectable and will want to compliment the chef by saying how really delicious it is.

Unfortunately, I am also struck by the thought that this is rather impolite and gauche. Does one compliment the chef, even though you are both the hosts? Or does one have to wait until an invited guest does so? I do not want to prompt my guests, but I also want to express my true appreciation for something wonderfully created.

GENTLE READER: Are you insisting on praising your partner when your mouth is full? Can’t you wait until you are doing the dishes together?

Even if you are kindly letting the chef go to bed after doing all that cooking, Miss Manners thinks you would have time to say how delectable you found the meal without forcing your guests to assent or even seconding their praise.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Sharing a Ride, Not an Intimate Conversation

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | February 24th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In today’s “sharing” economy, there seems to be a level of expected niceties. I frequently find myself in a car on the way to an airport, wondering how to escape a lengthy, forced discussion. I imagine that the driver is also tired of the same conversations and would enjoy a chance for a moment or two of silence.

At times, I am working. At other times, I am communicating with whoever will be expecting me at my destination, or am coordinating my ID, boarding pass, etc.

Earlier this week, I found myself forced to explain the medical details of why we were heading to a health care facility!

Is there any polite way to avoid the awkward and unnecessary conversations that come with the conveniences of today’s economy?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, conversation seems to be a commodity in these ride-sharing programs.

Miss Manners has found that most of them have a ratings system where you can express your opinion of the driver -- and it often includes rating your conversation. She urges you to share your opinion to the contrary with the company, but until the system is rectified, you may give its drivers polite, limited responses to their inquiries. If that does not work say, “I am so sorry, but I have to get some work done/take this call. Perhaps we can chat later.”

life

Miss Manners for February 24, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | February 24th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been in my line of business for about 10 years, and am increasingly dealing with higher-level management clients at large companies. Clients can be more or less agreeable, but there have been only two instances in my career that a client has crossed a line firmly into the unprofessional, becoming verbally abusive or shouting at my team and me.

Both times, I was so surprised that I did not know what to do, so I just stared at the client in great surprise, waited a beat, and then kept talking about the business issue. One time, the client apologized afterward; the other time, the client issued a half-apology.

I do not anticipate many such situations in the future, but does Miss Manners have a better way of responding to situations such as this? In retrospect, I wish I had told the client something that indicated I would not tolerate this behavior. I do not mind losing business if that is the outcome -- my team (often young women) and I deserve professional treatment at all times. I could try practicing proper responses, just in case.

GENTLE READER: You would be justified in saying exactly that, in measured tones that both model good behavior and make your point. But your previous method of a confounded and lengthy stare seems to have worked well, too.

You should not be deterred by the stare’s half-hearted response. It seems to Miss Manners that anyone who is willing to shout and become verbally abusive is not likely to do more than give a half-apology for that behavior. Quietly terminating the business relationship, however, will likely be even more effective.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

How to Invite Guests to Someone Else’s Party

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | February 23rd, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some old friends of mine are fond of giving large parties with an eclectic mix of guests reflecting various occupations: arts, education, business, etc. They have asked me to invite some of my interesting acquaintances to their next one.

I’m glad to do so, since I DO know a number of interesting people whom I think would enjoy meeting others. (Let me add that these occasions do not involve fundraising or sales, but are simply for socializing.) The hosts have told me I may invite as many as I wish; I plan to ask maybe four or five.

But I’m unsure how to extend the invitations to them without it sounding as if I were delivering them up to strangers as “fresh meat.” Since some are couples, I can’t bring them as my date, and since they don’t all know each other, I can’t herd them in a group like a scout troop.

It seems incorrect for me to extend invitations to somebody else’s private party. Should I give my acquaintances’ names to the hosts, who can then add a note to their invitations along the lines of, “Mary suggested we invite you”? Or is there already some protocol for this kind of transaction?

GENTLE READER: While it is generous of your friends to extend an open invitation, it is in everyone’s best interest that they know who is being asked into their home.

What you propose, giving the pertinent names to the host and having them extend the invitation, is charming. Miss Manners is also immensely relieved to hear that these events are purely for socializing and do not have a price tag attached. Invitations to those, under the guise of meeting new people, are not so charming.

life

Miss Manners for February 23, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | February 23rd, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a gift from a client who has sent other small things before. But this one happens to be very thoughtful: a monogrammed wine chiller bucket. I don’t entertain much, so I don’t know how much real use I will get out of it, but it’s very elegant, nonetheless.

The problem is its monogram: The initials are in the wrong order. My initials are (say) ABC, so a proper monogram should be “aCb.” However, this one is “aBc,” where my middle initial is the capitalized letter.

What to do? Do I broach the subject with the client? I can’t imagine the company let her do it that way, but I am unsure. Do I just use it and keep it turned backwards? Or, if I ever actually use it, just make it part of a nice, amusing story?

GENTLE READER: Call the company. Tell them the situation -- without placing blame -- and see if they are willing to correct it. If not, let it go and turn the bucket around as you suggested.

Miss Manners discourages you, however, from making the story an amusing anecdote. There’s not much story there, and the amusement value is mostly at your client’s expense.

life

Miss Manners for February 23, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | February 23rd, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I politely tell my neighbor that I have already called AAA and don’t need to hand her my car keys and pop the hood? She refuses to take no for an answer.

GENTLE READER: “Thank you, but I don’t want you to get dirty. My car is particularly filthy today.” Say this while holding on tightly to your keys.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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