DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son received a gift from a girl for Valentine’s Day (chocolate-covered strawberries and a stuffed bear). He likes her, but had no idea she was planning on getting him a gift.

Should he now buy her a Valentine gift, even if it is after Valentine’s Day? Or just say “thank you very much” and move on? My son is 15 years old and a freshman in high school.

GENTLE READER: And indeed, he may well move on. Or may she.

But a catch-up present is not flattering. Miss Manners would counsel him to wait and see if the mutual liking lasts until Easter, at which time he could surprise her with a chocolate bunny.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the years, I have become concerned and annoyed with the behavior of charities. I want to support organizations doing public good, both in the United States and around the world, but their activities in three areas are starting to make me reconsider my commitment.

First, almost all of them now send you “free” stuff you do not need or want, and then harass you into paying for it. For instance, I received 22 calendars last year and was inundated with greeting cards and wrapping paper. I try to redistribute this stuff to other folks, but most of it ended up in the recycle bin. I have adopted a new strategy of blacking out my address and marking the package “return to sender.”

Second, the requests for donations have become constant. There is no pause in the “emergency” requests for funds. Even thank-you acknowledgments contain additional requests for funds. Similarly, everything is now phrased in hyperbolic language, indicating that some form of disaster is imminent if my donation is not sent immediately. These multiple appeals have also been personalized, apparently to make you feel guilty if you do not donate.

Finally, there is a proliferation of “charitable” organizations. It seems that everyone wants their own charity. Rather than working to strengthen a current group, they form another niche charity with the accompanying administrators and fundraisers. As a consequence, we have a rapidly increasing number of organizations chasing the same pool of donors. I am afraid this overall pattern of activities threatens the viability of the entire system.

Nonetheless, I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge that there are many well-run charities that do not engage in these practices, three of which I support.

GENTLE READER: Why charities believe that badgering people is effective, Miss Manners has never understood. Maybe because it sometimes is. Annoyance and embarrassment apparently prompt some people to buy their way out.

But she would have thought that those who run charities would be the very people to abhor making things unpleasant for others.

Instead, they commonly harbor the belief that the virtue of working to help those in need cancels the virtue of showing consideration to those who could also help. “But it’s for a good cause,” they argue, when taxed with rudeness.

By no means does Miss Manners wish to discourage charitable contributions. But she dearly hopes that others, like you, choose organizations that do not waste time and money annoying potential contributors.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I would like to hold a formal ball, with no particular occasion attached. How should the invitation be worded? (It will, of course, be engraved -- or thermographed, but Miss Manners must not look too closely.)

If the ladies are to wear ballgowns, must the gentlemen wear black tie? None of the guests likely own a tuxedo, and renting one is a financial burden we would like to avoid putting on them. Finally, we are providing on-site childcare, but I presume that that should not go on a formal invitation, so how do we tell them?

GENTLE READER: A formal invitation (and when it comes to engraving, Miss Manners always looks closely -- she just never speaks of what she finds) should be worded thus:

Mr. and Mrs. LoveToEntertain

Request the Honor of your Company

at Time

at Venue

The bottom left corner of the invitation should state “RSVP” or “The favor of a reply is requested,” with “Black tie” on the right.

As unfair as it may be, “Black tie” (if not the more rare “White tie” with ball dresses) is the proper term for what you describe, both for male and female. However, this one-sidedness does not seem to be confined to the term. Why, in your scenario, is only the male financial burden being considered? Are the female guests (presumably some of them related to the male ones, and in the same financial situation) more likely to have ballgowns lying around?

For the sake of gender equality (and proper etiquette), you must make a decision. Either formal attire for all, or instead, make it a cocktail party where men wear suits and ladies wear knee-length dresses. In that case, “Business attire” would be the proper wording. (“Cocktail attire” is a made-up term.)

As for the childcare, a slip of paper with the information can be tucked into the invitation for guests who have children -- or any who are planning on acting like them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This past year, I’ve seen waitpersons in restaurants delivering my coffee with their hands over the top of the cup, instead of holding it by the handle.

I’ve had to request a new cup of coffee be delivered by holding the handle. Perhaps it’s because they do not want to damage their acrylic nails; however, I find it repugnant to place my lips to a coffee cup where their fingers have previously been. I would think they’d realize this is unsanitary. Or am I being too fastidious?

GENTLE READER: Both. Miss Manners will spare you the images of what far worse practices are likely being performed on your food and drinks behind the scenes.

Ignoring all but visible residue and creepy crawlers is an unfortunate, if necessary, part of dining in public. In your case, if it bothers you that much, ask for a straw. But then suffer the consequences when you are chastised for destroying the relative hygiene of the environment.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a liberal college town in a more conservative state. So there’s a large mix, and I suppose you could call the overall atmosphere “moderate.” It’s hard to know where people stand on an issue unless they’re wearing a T-shirt or have a bumper sticker that announces it.

As I work in customer service, I interact with a lot of people, both as customers (obviously) and as new employees. One new employee, in her late teens or early 20s, saw a customer wearing a shirt with a religious message. She said something to me about it, seeming to think I would agree with her, though I said nothing. As we helped the customer, I told her that I liked her shirt. Later, the new girl seemed a bit irked with me and lectured me that she was agnostic -- explaining what that was, even though I already knew. I explained that I tend to adopt a “live and let live” attitude about other religions.

Should she have made the comment she did to me, not knowing what I believe? Am I wrong for thinking that certain topics, such as politics and religion, should be off-limits when one is unaware of another’s affiliations? I know that social media has made it easier for people to be more vocal about what they believe while hiding behind a screen, but I feel it is inappropriate to bring up the subjects unless one knows how those they are conversing with stand.

GENTLE READER: The old rule about not discussing politics and religion seemed so antiquated until recent years, didn’t it?

Miss Manners is hereby resurrecting it, and recommending that you ask your employees to observe it -- and that you adhere to it yourself, despite the admitted temptation offered by those whose clothing tries to provoke such conversations.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I live in a very small one-bedroom apartment. We rarely entertain because of our space limitations. However, we have a dear friend who lives several hours away and comes to visit us a few times a year, generally for a day or two.

His last visit occurred during the week, while I worked. I often work from home, and my desk is in the living room, where he slept. The evening he arrived, we informed him that we did have to work the next day, and that I would be up early.

When I got up, he was still asleep, and did not rise until almost noon! That meant I had to work in the dark (the blinds above where he was sleeping were closed) with only my computer screen for light for about four hours. I even had to turn on my phone’s flashlight to read some paper notes. A few times he stirred, even at one point saying hello, but then went back to sleep.

Normally, I would gather my things and go to a local coffee shop to avoid the situation, but I had recently had surgery and would not have been able to haul everything I needed without violating my post-surgery weightlifting restrictions.

When do the needs of the host outweigh the comfort of the guest? Would there have been a point at which I could have finally turned on a light or made a phone call, surely waking him up, when it would not have been rude to do so? Or do a guest’s comfort and ability to sleep come first?

GENTLE READER: That point would have been the first time your guest stirred and said hello. Or at the start of your workday.

Having been duly warned that you needed to work the next day, your guest should have taken pains to wake up early. Since he did not, Miss Manners finds you within your jurisdiction to announce, at the slightest stirring (or not), “Oh, are you up? Sorry, I am afraid that I have to turn on the light and get some work done. I hope it will not disturb you.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)