GENTLE READERS: This is probably not the year to celebrate Valentine’s Day at the office.

There never was a time that even innocent romance belonged in the workplace. If it ends badly, there will be suspicions of retaliation. If it ends happily, there will be suspicions of favoritism.

But when a show of affection is condoned as ordinary office behavior, abuse becomes easy. Miss Manners was shocked to read of a prominent feminist who, discussing harassment, was quoted first about hating “when that dude hugs me” -- then, when a “no touching at work” rule was proposed, said, “I think that’s crazy.” She then talked about how she always hugs her colleagues.

What if some dude hates it when she does that?

It is not Miss Manners’ job to discipline outlaws. Dealing with sex crimes and misdemeanors is the responsibility of the legal system, with its severe punishments, although it has been noticeably slow to do so.

Etiquette is intended to regulate human behavior in the communal interest, but it is a voluntary system, which does not deter those who are determined to behave badly and feel no shame. It lacks weapons other than social disapproval and exclusion -- and these have been in short supply in the era of instant pop therapy and re-entry.

But as we have now seen, social pressure is essential in motivating those who do have power to enforce obedience. Unfortunately, it does not always operate for the good. That it long discouraged victims of harassment from seeking redress has now been thoroughly exposed.

That has been publicly acknowledged. But -- and here is where Miss Manners expects an argument -- well-meaning people continue to foster a dangerous environment. That includes the adorable-sounding fantasies about colleagues all being friends, if not one big family; jobs providing opportunities for leisure as well as work; and those unsolicited hugs being welcome and beneficial to all.

Thus professional manners were abandoned in favor of social manners: first names, casual clothes, birthday celebrations.

There was an excellent reason for opposing the old rules: All the respect and leeway they provided was accorded only to the male hierarchy. They were addressed by titles and surnames, but called any female, minority or low-level employees by their given names. Whatever socializing there was on office time, such as lunches or golfing breaks, was strictly for them. Their suits and ties -- not jeans and hoodies -- constituted the status look.

But when a need to modernize is recognized, it never seems to be done by applying the higher standard to all. And revisions in office behavior occurred at a time when the sweet idea was wafting around that personal friends are happier and more productive than mere colleagues.

Of course, that means that you don’t get to choose your personal friends; the boss chooses them for you. They may also be your rivals. And if you spend nonworking time with them, you must subtract that from time to spend with people you did choose.

So it does not seem to be a great sacrifice to expect cheerful but professional manners at work, so that those who are so moved can distribute their hugs on their own time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been given grief for wearing peep-toe shoes in February. It’s warm enough here, and they match the outfit. Is there a faux pas for wearing open-toed shoes before spring?

GENTLE READER: The faux pas is giving people grief for any decent choices of costume. But while it may be warm enough for you, Miss Manners imagines that the sight of your toes makes others shiver.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a woman in my late 20s, who has been in a relationship with another woman for going on five years now. My family is not especially supportive, but there are times that I do receive formal invitations to events from extended family (think weddings, bar/bat mitzvahs, etc.) that include my name and a plus-one.

My mother, who is vehemently unsupportive of my relationship, keeps trying to tell me that accepting a plus-one on an invitation is rude. She tells me that the people hosting the event are only giving me a plus-one to appear polite, and that if I bring someone else, it will cost the hosts money, so I shouldn’t accept it.

I’d like to think that my family members are showing passive support by offering me a plus-one, even if they are not listing my partner’s name on the invitation. In my opinion, an offering of a plus-one should always be seen as genuine!

My mother also insists that as maid of honor in my sister’s wedding, I was not supposed to bring a plus-one to the rehearsal dinner, despite other bridesmaids’ plus-ones being included. She is very concerned with politeness and appearances, so normally I do default to her, but given this dilemma, I am driven to ask you, Miss Manners, for your expertise and advice.

GENTLE READER: A misguided attempt to make their single guests feel more “comfortable,” plus-one communicates instead that the host does not want -- or cannot be bothered -- to find out the names of any serious partners.

Inviting anyone to a formal event should be done using that person’s name.

In your case, Miss Manners agrees that it was probably a passive -- if still rude -- attempt on your sister’s part to invite your partner without directly acknowledging her.

Your mother’s use of made-up etiquette rules is a passive way of rejecting that attempt. If your sister specifically asked you to invite someone, you may do so -- and passively ignore your mother’s advice to do otherwise.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When invited to a party or a social event at our good friends’ home, they always ask, “What will you be bringing?” Is it rude for them to ask or presume we are bringing anything? At one party, they put out a sign-up list and began to hound guests who didn’t respond to the sign-up.

They claim they need to know, due to allergies. Wouldn’t it be better if they just reminded guests not to bring certain food items to avoid the danger? This presumptuous behavior has alienated some of our group. They are quite put off by it.

GENTLE READER: This is not polite behavior. Nor a sincere invitation.

It is bad enough that guests have begun ubiquitously asking what they should bring to a party. The hosts should certainly not be soliciting it, nor badgering their donors.

If hosts are worried about their own allergies, then they should provide the food. Miss Manners is constantly baffled at how people do not find this task implicit in the job title.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am planning a celebration of my late husband’s life, and being good to myself by having it catered. Nothing fancy, but I am worrying about how much food and drink to order.

In light of the current habit of disregarding a request for a response, could I include on the invitation something like, “If you attend without an RSVP, kindly do not eat or drink anything”? I am sorely tempted.

GENTLE READER: People are sorely tempted to do many things, but civilization is hinged on thwarting those baser desires.

Meanwhile, Miss Manners is left wondering how you would even go about policing those guests who show up unannounced. A rap on the hand as they reach for a shrimp? An elaborate pantomime of handing them a pretend glass and not filling it?

Unfortunately, the only proper thing to do with these brazen guests is to express surprise at their appearance. Courting insult in the form of threats is a rude and fruitless activity.

However, if you find yourself running low on refreshments and those same guests have the gall to complain, you may say, “Oh dear, I’m afraid that I only planned for those who told me they were attending.” And plan not to invite them next time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is it necessary to give a card, and to wrap a gift?

For the former, I’ve always felt that it’s appropriate when sending greetings through the mail, but not face-to-face. I’ve consistently told family to please not give me cards in person, yet they continue to do so anyway.

I find them a waste of paper (and money, as some of the fancy ones are very expensive) when you’re just going to say “Happy birthday” or “Merry Christmas” directly to them anyway on the day in question. The sole exception is when they are being used as a gift wrapper themselves, such as with cash or a gift certificate.

As for the latter, I consider it suitable when the element of surprise and anticipation is important -- such as during a party, at a shower or opening Christmas presents -- but again, I think it wasteful to wrap gifts when shipping them to the receiver’s address or when the gift is spontaneous.

Lastly, on the issue of gift-wrapping, does an authority on etiquette have an opinion on gift bags vs. boxed and wrapped gifts? It had never occurred to me until people started bragging about how easy it was to “shove it in a bag” instead of wrapping it.

GENTLE READER: The purpose of a present is, Miss Manners wishes to remind you, to show gratitude or appreciation. Efforts to make the act of giving as efficient -- in other words, effortless -- as possible therefore invalidate the reason for giving the present in the first place.

By contrast, wrapping and accompanying notes emphasize those reasons. Were efficiency the only standard, one could merely slow down the car and toss the present onto the porch.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)