DEAR MISS MANNERS: What terminology is recommended to invite someone to join you for a meal at a restaurant at their own expense -- i.e., not a hosted meal, but just a get-together?

GENTLE READER: Aha! A dangerous problem.

With the decline of dinner parties at home, restaurants have become a common place for people not only to meet, but also to entertain. Friendship-threatening misunderstandings arise when those who were asked out don’t know which it is.

The confusion is among three similar social situations, two of them legitimate. One is when friends agree to meet at a restaurant, paying their own way. The second is when people entertain guests in a restaurant rather than in their own homes.

Then there are those who believe that they can entertain guests without expense. Typically, it is a celebration for themselves or their families -- a birthday, an anniversary, even a wedding reception -- to which they invite others while expecting what they falsely call their “guests” to pay. Furthermore, these are often surprise parties, in that the attendees are surprised to find out that they are supposed to pay.

Miss Manners continues to be surprised when Gentle Readers tell her that they can’t afford to entertain in a certain restaurant -- but don’t stop there. They seem to expect her to tell them how to do this anyway, instead of finding something that they can afford.

She reserves her sympathy for people who pay their bills, whether those that they incur as hosts, or from going out with other people. And apparently the conventional forms are not working, which is why there has to be clearer wordage.

As you expect your friends to pay their own way, you are not really inviting them, but only making a suggestion. You should say, “Let’s meet for dinner,” and, if you suggest a restaurant, add “or wherever you would like to go” because they should have a say about preferences in food and price level. (She would ban the term “Dutch treat,” as this is neither Dutch nor a treat.)

Those who use the verb “to invite” and the noun “guests” are expected to pay for the entertainment they provide. If they don’t, Miss Manners assures them that the attendees feel cheated.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve been lucky enough to afford generous gifts to a few charities. New to this world of large-ish donors, I was pleased to receive a handsome invitation to a gala event.

However, upon opening the invitation, I found that it was actually a solicitation for funds: an “invitation” to purchase seats for the minimum price of $2,500 per. In other words, not an invitation in the usual sense at all.

An outright solicitation is one thing, and well-understood, but isn’t a solicitation disguised as an invitation deceptive advertising and poor manners?

GENTLE READER: Yes.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hosted a family party, and after lunch, my daughter, granddaughter and myself were laughing, joking and cutting up. Just having fun. My family tends to get loud, I confess.

My sister, brother and husband were in an adjoining room, and suddenly my sister turned toward us and said, in a loud and very gruff voice, “Y’all have got to quiet down in there! We can’t carry on a conversation in here.”

I apologized and took our conversation into another room. My granddaughter later drew attention to the fact that my sister should not have yelled at my guests in my home; I agreed.

Whenever I try to talk to my sister about it, she deflects from the issue and says we were the ones being rude. I have explained to her that we weren’t trying to be rude, we were just being ourselves. And that as soon as I became aware of the problem, I took care of it. Until she yelled at us, I was not aware that she was becoming irritated.

My stance is that no one should yell at guests in another person’s home. (I would never do that to her.) And that she should have come to me and let me know she had a problem, giving me a chance to handle the situation.

So, Miss Manners, who was rude? My sister, or my guests and me?

GENTLE READER: Your sister. However, Miss Manners cautions you not to use “being oneself” as an explanation for rudeness, however incorrectly it was perceived. The important difference here is that once you were made aware of the annoyance, you stopped. Perhaps your sister will now be able to follow suit.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I went to a restaurant with an elderly friend who was using a cane and had recently had a stroke. There was a waiting list to be seated.

The entryway had two benches, both of which were filled with 20-something couples and their young children. Some of the children were approximately 5 years old and lounging between their parents as they used up every inch of the seating. No one offered my elderly friend a seat.

I thought about saying something to the parents, or asking the 5-year-old boy, “Would you like to learn how to be a gentleman?” but decided not to say anything to him or his parents. I felt there was no way, no matter how gently I phrased it, to address this without causing problems. How should I have handled this?

GENTLE READER: While these families certainly appeared to be rude and inconsiderate, Miss Manners thinks it more likely that they were just oblivious. Probably the parents were just grateful that their children were not actively causing a public scene and did not even notice your friend.

Assuming this, you could reasonably address a family directly without it sounding harsh: “I wonder if you might make some room for my friend to sit down. He has trouble standing.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I got a Facebook invitation to attend my sister-in-law’s wedding rehearsal dinner. Since our children are in the wedding, we RSVP’d that four would be attending. Under the menu was “$30.”

I had never heard of a wedding party being asked to pay for their own rehearsal dinner. When I asked about it, she was furious: “Of course you are paying for your own meal! You really need to check wedding etiquette. We’re not going to pay for everything!”

Honestly, I thought I knew wedding etiquette. But I frantically searched the internet. I was hoping to smooth things over by letting her know that I was now up-to-date on my wedding etiquette, hadn’t realized what I was asking was in poor taste, and that I was just trying to budget. The best I could find was something called a “no host” party.

We had budgeted buying the kids’ clothes for the wedding, and for a gift. I don’t think it would be polite to skip the rehearsal, so now we’re also paying $120 for one meal. My husband says we should only give them a card, since we are paying for the dinner.

I’m left with two questions:

1. Is it new etiquette to ask a bridal party to “BYOD” -- buy your own dinner?

2. Is my husband right in suggesting that we shouldn’t give her the monetary gift, since we are spending it on the rehearsal dinner?

GENTLE READER: So many etiquette rules are being violated here that Miss Manners hardly knows where to start. Suffice it to say, using the internet to validate rudeness disguised as etiquette is confirmation bias at best. She is relieved that you came to your senses and consulted her instead.

To answer your questions:

1. No. It was invented to allow people who want to have a party thrown for themselves to make others pay for it. As you point out, it is not only rude, but it adds to the already considerable burden of the guests. Always beware of acronyms that require large purchases.

2. Yes and no. A wedding present should not be monetary in the first place -- another incorrect assumption created for personal gain. Presents are always voluntary. However, if you choose not to give one for your husband’s reasons, you would be validating yet another made-up rule: that the price of the dinner should be the amount spent on a present. Only in this case, you are doing it in reverse.

Your best recourse would be to give a small, token gift that you think the couple might like. And not to consult the internet.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter just moved into a newly developed neighborhood. Her neighbor, who moved into her new home only a few weeks prior, gave my daughter a housewarming gift. Should my daughter reciprocate with a gift, or just with a thank-you note?

GENTLE READER: Chronology takes precedence with housewarming, and since your daughter was the last one to move in, she is the more logical choice for the present. A thank-you note from her is sufficient, but a neighborly treat to accompany it, or an invitation to the house to visit, would be charming. As would, Miss Manners feels compelled to add, paying the gesture forward for the next new neighbor.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)