life

Clubbing Carpoolers Can’t Compromise

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | January 25th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A female friend and I went out nightclubbing one evening several weeks ago, and I drove. In the past, we have normally left to go home around 11:30 p.m. At 11:30, I told her I was ready to go.

She informed me (after four to five glasses of wine) that she was not ready to leave. I told her I was serious and wanted to go home. She repeated that she was not ready.

Next, I told her that I was going to the car and would meet her there, hopefully very soon. Thirty minutes later, I was still waiting for her in my car. I went inside and told her that I would be leaving, and that if she wanted a ride, to please follow me to the car, and that I was very angry.

She came to the car, but started in on me, suggesting I was not acting rationally and was being unreasonable and so on. She told me that the decision to go home should be a joint decision. I basically told her she was lucky I had not left her there and driven home.

This friend of four years has not contacted me or apologized. I think I was more than nice and no longer consider this woman my friend.

GENTLE READER: Your offer of a ride -- and your friend’s acceptance of it -- bound you both, in differing ways, as companions for the evening. She owed you the duty of a guest to be grateful and accommodating; you owed her the duty of a hostess to show an interest in her comfort -- and also to see her safely home.

This required compromise seems to have been lacking on both sides. But while the obligations may have begun the evening as more or less equal, they began to lean more heavily in your direction as your friend’s ability to stand up straight became compromised.

Assuming your friend was not wholly incapable of independent action after four or five glasses of wine, it would have been enough for you to ensure that she had an alternate way home, either by checking that she had cab fare or by asking around for an alternate chauffeur. This would, Miss Manners notes, have discharged your own obligations without either inconveniencing you or losing you a friend.

life

Miss Manners for January 25, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | January 25th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you serve yourself a piece of hot bread from a shared basket when the bread needs to be pulled apart? It always comes without anything to use but your own hands.

GENTLE READER: There is a reason sliced bread is cited as one of civilization’s great inventions.

Absent a bread knife, the alternatives range from the impractical -- a table knife is more likely to harm the wielder than the bread -- to the unsanitary -- Miss Manners presumes that wolves do not mind other wolves using their teeth, but people decidedly do.

That leaves looking around sheepishly to see who is watching and then wrenching off a piece as gracefully -- and quickly -- as possible. There is no prohibition against requesting a suitable knife, particularly in a restaurant. In a private home, you may wish to skip the bread, and later add a bread knife to your gift list for when the host’s birthday comes around.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Would-be Guests Won’t Stop Angling for Invitations

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | January 24th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have a delightful, very busy social life. We give and attend numerous dinner parties, and frequently entertain our friends for weekends at our vacation home.

How do I respond to people we DON’T like who openly ask when they “can expect an invitation” to one of these events? Apparently our politeness has led these people to presume they are more appreciated than is true.

My usual response is “Well, we are pretty booked up for the foreseeable future.” After several such instances with no invitation forthcoming, you would think they would understand that it is not going to happen.

GENTLE READER: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again,” appears to be their motto. Very well. The aphorism is as useful to you as it is to them.

Repeat your answer as many times as necessary. Etiquette neither requires you to issue the sought invitation nor to vary your response, though Miss Manners allows a masked, if rising, level of pique in your tone with each repetition.

life

Miss Manners for January 24, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | January 24th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every other Tuesday evening, my partner and I host six friends to play an ongoing board game. It is not a dinner party (we provide a snack and bottled drinks) but, because many come straight from work, we have let people know they may arrive early and bring their dinner to our house.

However, several attendees have started arriving late and then ordering food for delivery. This has caused our games to end much too late for a weeknight, and the food delivery issue -- finding a restaurant, placing an order, figuring out payment, and eating -- is disruptive.

Perhaps in an attempt to minimize disruption to the game, they also have started helping themselves to plates and glasses from my cupboards, creating a large dishwashing task for me.

What is the correct way to request that guests be fed and ready to play by an appointed time? Am I being uncivilized in expecting guests to drink from bottles and eat from the containers in which their food arrived? If not, how do I keep people out of my cupboards? I am reluctant to provide disposable dishes as a substitute for the existing disposable containers.

GENTLE READER: If you were to change the rules of the board game without consultation, you would expect your guests to be confused, if not upset. Why, Miss Manners wonders, do you expect a different result when changing the rules of etiquette?

The game has to start early enough that it apparently precludes a normal meal. Guests are allowed to bring food, but only if they acquire and eat it surreptitiously -- and without disturbing any of the household implements made for the purpose.

This is not a workable invitation for either hospitality or hungry stomachs. The most gracious solution would be to provide food, but if this cannot be done, then you will need either to provide the means with which to eat food, or modify the time so that guests can arrive fed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Butchering the Main Course Is a Big Ask

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | January 23rd, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister was invited to a neighbor’s house for a pig roast. The neighbor said he had access to a live pig, and asked my brother-in-law to kill and butcher it for him.

This seems a bit much to ask of an invited guest. In a spirit of neighborliness, my brother-in-law acquiesced, but I feel the neighbor went too far in even asking.

GENTLE READER:: Your brother-in-law knows how to kill and butcher a pig?

Surely the neighbor must have known this. One would not turn over such an animal to any willing person who might have a penknife.

Still, it is a large favor, and should have been phrased in the form of a question, as to whether your brother-in-law knew who could do this. But a direct plea could have been answered with a recommendation, rather than agreement to do it himself.

life

Miss Manners for January 23, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | January 23rd, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I lost my husband to cancer two years ago. I had my diamond engagement ring resized to fit on my right-hand ring finger, next to my pinkie. Is it proper to wear it this way?

Since I am looking to date again, what kind of message does this send to men? Would they think that I am divorced and wear the ring to remind me that I was married before? I want to honor my husband’s memory, but do what is right.

GENTLE READER: Despite what busybodies keep telling widows, there is no right or wrong here.

Nor is there discernible symbolism, other than for rings worn on the left-hand ring finger, which indicate that the lady is married or a widow.

A ring elsewhere could be from widowhood or a divorce, but it could also be inherited, purchased or otherwise acquired. Miss Manners would consider a gentleman who spends time pondering this, rather than taking his chances by inviting the lady out, to be too silly to be worth dating.

life

Miss Manners for January 23, 2018

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | January 23rd, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I issue a casual invitation in conversation (i.e., “I’d love to take you to this exhibit in the next few weeks if you’re interested,” or even, “Let’s get together for coffee!”), I’m hoping my friend expresses interest by collaborating on a day and time. Is this appropriate?

It seems that, if the person isn’t interested, vague enthusiasm will be expressed and the subject dropped. I might remind the friend of the suggestion again at a later date, and if still no definite plans are made, I’ll drop the idea altogether.

I hear often enough, “Oh, I wish you would have reminded us!” that I wonder if I should persist, but sometimes feel that if I do, I’m creating an obligation where none was wanted.

I hope you’ll forgive me if this seems a matter of “common sense.”

GENTLE READER: Well, it sort of does, although Miss Manners of course forgives you.

You made a suggestion without naming a date; your friend failed to take it up; your friend then backpedaled by claiming that he would have liked to go. And then blamed you, which was not quite nice. Next time, name a date and ask for a yes or no.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Next up: More trusted advice from...

  • Environmentally Smart Gardening
  • Gardening by Design
  • Small but Mighty Bulbs
  • 7 Day Menu Planner for May 22, 2022
  • 7 Day Menu Planner for May 15, 2022
  • 7 Day Menu Planner for May 08, 2022
  • The Gift of a Garden
  • Imagine Taking AP Tests on Christmas Day
  • Dealing With Grief Around Mother's Day
UExpressLifeParentingHomePetsHealthAstrologyOdditiesA-Z
AboutContactSubmissionsTerms of ServicePrivacy Policy
©2022 Andrews McMeel Universal