DEAR MISS MANNERS: What pronouns would Miss Manners advise using when referring to people who do not identify as either male or female?

I work with many young people in a community where a good number identify themselves as “gender fluid.” Using “it” to refer to their friends in this category is seen as offensive, as it equates a person with an object, so my patients refer to such friends as “they,” even while talking about one person. As in, “Then Jordan told me they were going to visit their grandmother in Wisconsin.”

I want to be respectful of how people choose to refer to themselves, but the grammarian in me cannot tolerate using “they” or “them” to refer to a single person. Thus, I find myself sticking to the person’s name only, as in “How long will Jordan be in Wisconsin?” Does Miss Manners, in her sagacity, have any suggestions for a better gender-fluid pronoun?

GENTLE READER: You are kind to believe that Miss Manners can solve this problem, but this is a rare case in which she would like to appeal to her Gentle Readers for help.

You have stated the ground rules:

Be respectful of others. In this case, it means not using masculine or feminine pronouns for those who object.

Do not refer to a person as “it.”

Resist using plural pronouns when referring to a single person.

So far, the solution has been to go around the problem: Make the subject plural, when possible, to use “they” correctly, or use “he or she” with single nouns. But this is getting tedious and doesn’t cover everybody. What we need is something simple that can be easily learned, so that no one is confused or insulted.

So would someone please come up with a solution?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate way to address a couple who are technically engaged but have no plans to marry?

For example, one couple I know has been engaged for many years (including a ring), but have subsequently moved on with all significant milestones outside of marriage -- home, children, major life changes, etc. No mention of marriage arrangements have come up since the initial engagement. So is it still appropriate to refer to them as one another’s “fiance(e)”?

Or does using the term “fiance(e)” run the risk of sounding insulting, since it seems to highlight an unmet promise?

GENTLE READER: What did they promise you? A weekend of lavish festivities?

It seems to Miss Manners that such a couple alone can define the relationship. If they are affianced, they must mean something slightly different from the term now available to committed but unmarried couples, who call themselves partners. Meanwhile, the rest of us should look for our champagne elsewhere.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do salad and dinner forks go on top of the napkin, or between the plate and napkin on the table itself?

GENTLE READER: The latter. As the first thing to do when sitting at table is to put the napkin on one’s lap, Miss Manners would not run the risk of someone’s not noticing the flatware and sending it crashing to the floor.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve been driving for one of the taxi services that people call with an app. My main goal is to get them safely to their destination. I don’t want to portray myself as a know-it-all driver, but I want them to understand that sometimes, traffic happens.

Passenger perception is pretty important, as my driver rating is based on how they feel and not on the quality of my driving. Most interactions are pretty good. I don’t need to “tune out” any passengers, barring making sure I’m attentive to the road.

My trouble is how to respond to backseat or passenger-side drivers. I’m not against suggestions from passengers in general, especially if they know where they’re going and know it includes a weird turn or other pitfalls.

Sometimes, however, the route takes me through streets that are full of fast-moving cars, and I’ll have to adjust my position quite quickly to avoid danger from unaware drivers. In this case, passengers occasionally start to make suggestions on how I should proceed or how I should have proceeded. Often they don’t take into account key details, such as things I can see through my mirrors.

I wouldn’t be incorrect to simply tell them this, but I feel it’d be dismissive and won’t calm their nerves. How can I politely assure passengers that I have their safety in mind (and well in hand)?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, Miss Manners finds, this is the problem with making ride-sharing an amateur event. Everybody feels equally equipped for the task.

“Thank you for your help; I assure you that I am very much invested in the safety of us both,” should quell any concerns. Adding, “Are you a driver as well?” would further illustrate the point that if the passenger wanted to do it instead, they easily could.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve become an enthusiast of taking various vitamin supplements several times a day, and most of these are supposed to be taken with meals. How do I respond to someone who sees me taking pills and inquires what they are for? Does the answer depend on my relationship with the person?

I don’t generally like answering these types of personal questions, but have trouble answering with, “Thank you for taking an interest in my private business” for what most people seem to think is an innocent question. I have thought of going to the bathroom to take my pills, but I can’t exactly bring a beverage with me to the loo.

GENTLE READER: Perhaps. But unfortunately, a fistful of pills at the dinner table -- no matter how necessary or practical that may be -- is likely to produce a minor spectacle.

However, Miss Manners sees nothing wrong with answering any questions by saying, “Oh, they’re just some vitamins. I won’t bore you with the details.” Which, if these are new acquaintances who are at a loss as to how else to react, could well be the result.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family belongs to a segment of the population about which there seem to be many misconceptions and uninformed opinions. Specifically, we are home-schoolers.

I thought friends were exaggerating about the number of questions and criticisms they had to deal with, but now that my child is fully home-schooled, I am experiencing the same thing.

I believe I know how to deal with any harsh criticism, but I am at a loss for how to deal with what, at first, seems to be genuine interest, but turns into more of a test of whether I am fulfilling an unwritten set of standards that non-home-schoolers seem to have for home-schooling families. They seem to think, for example, that we do better in “co-ops,” which are optional and not liked by all.

I would not normally wish for relatives and old friends to feel they could not ask us about our lives (though I did wish my gynecologist had waited until my physical exam was over to express interest), but the fact is that I can predict how each conversation will go as soon as I hear the question, “Has she started school?”

Concerns over the acquisition of playmates and my readiness for the long-term commitment required for home-schooling will inevitably be expressed, and I will begin to feel that my home-school has a self-appointed principal, who is not thrilled with my performance.

If I answer the questions sincerely, I seem to be acknowledging the role of the other person as an appropriate judge of the matter, while most other answers I can think of would make me appear defensive. I have given a great deal of thought to the benefits of home-schooling over public schooling, and yet I would never question other parents’ choice to send their children to public school.

Would it be harsh to head off these conversations before they begin? If not, how can I politely do so?

GENTLE READER: It is never a good idea to enter a conversation looking for a fight.

But if the seemingly inevitable line of inquiry ensues, Miss Manners encourages you to say, “We are teaching our children at home, which we have found unequivocally to be the best method for us. There is a lot of literature on the subject if you are interested.”

And then change the subject -- perhaps to the relative schooling of your gynecologist.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The invitation to a wedding shower for my girlfriend’s daughter states that it is a “no hostess shower,” and that guests are required to send a check for $50 to cover the brunch and group gift. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but that sounds distasteful to me.

My husband and I were only recently invited to the wedding, after being told we could go because some other couples couldn’t attend. What to think and do?

GENTLE READER: It could not be any more clear that this family does not count you among their principal friends -- but would be happy to take your money anyway. Politely decline without excuse. Miss Manners assures you that feeling insulted by rude behavior has not gone out of fashion.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)