DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family belongs to a segment of the population about which there seem to be many misconceptions and uninformed opinions. Specifically, we are home-schoolers.

I thought friends were exaggerating about the number of questions and criticisms they had to deal with, but now that my child is fully home-schooled, I am experiencing the same thing.

I believe I know how to deal with any harsh criticism, but I am at a loss for how to deal with what, at first, seems to be genuine interest, but turns into more of a test of whether I am fulfilling an unwritten set of standards that non-home-schoolers seem to have for home-schooling families. They seem to think, for example, that we do better in “co-ops,” which are optional and not liked by all.

I would not normally wish for relatives and old friends to feel they could not ask us about our lives (though I did wish my gynecologist had waited until my physical exam was over to express interest), but the fact is that I can predict how each conversation will go as soon as I hear the question, “Has she started school?”

Concerns over the acquisition of playmates and my readiness for the long-term commitment required for home-schooling will inevitably be expressed, and I will begin to feel that my home-school has a self-appointed principal, who is not thrilled with my performance.

If I answer the questions sincerely, I seem to be acknowledging the role of the other person as an appropriate judge of the matter, while most other answers I can think of would make me appear defensive. I have given a great deal of thought to the benefits of home-schooling over public schooling, and yet I would never question other parents’ choice to send their children to public school.

Would it be harsh to head off these conversations before they begin? If not, how can I politely do so?

GENTLE READER: It is never a good idea to enter a conversation looking for a fight.

But if the seemingly inevitable line of inquiry ensues, Miss Manners encourages you to say, “We are teaching our children at home, which we have found unequivocally to be the best method for us. There is a lot of literature on the subject if you are interested.”

And then change the subject -- perhaps to the relative schooling of your gynecologist.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The invitation to a wedding shower for my girlfriend’s daughter states that it is a “no hostess shower,” and that guests are required to send a check for $50 to cover the brunch and group gift. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but that sounds distasteful to me.

My husband and I were only recently invited to the wedding, after being told we could go because some other couples couldn’t attend. What to think and do?

GENTLE READER: It could not be any more clear that this family does not count you among their principal friends -- but would be happy to take your money anyway. Politely decline without excuse. Miss Manners assures you that feeling insulted by rude behavior has not gone out of fashion.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boss asked me and three co-workers to meet her at a different work location at noon to do some testing on new software. We were to stay there for the remainder of the workday, joining a group of people who had already been there for several hours.

When we arrived at noon, our boss was out getting lunch for everyone in the room -- everyone except the four of us, that is. When she got back at about 12:15, lunches were distributed and everyone ate in front of us. Our boss didn’t ask us if we had already eaten, nor did we mention lunch or lack thereof.

Granted, we were never promised lunch, but wouldn’t basic manners dictate that we should have been offered lunch, considering the time of day that we were asked to arrive? Or am I wrong to feel slighted?

GENTLE READER: With the growing number of ways in which even well-meaning bosses can insult employees while providing lunch, Miss Manners would have thought they would have long since followed the example of zookeepers.

This is not as simple as posting signs not to feed the employees. Like feeding time at the zoo -- when the animals are expected to work through their meals -- the boss should provide the food.

Both sides will have to be reasonable about agreeing when a schedule precludes a normal meal break, taking into consideration such things as local custom, the length of the workday, health and safety, and advance notice of the schedule. That said, few employees object to a boss who errs on the side of extra provisioning. Having offered lunch to the other employees, your boss should have made the same offer to you, which you would then be free to accept or turn down.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While seeking a contractor for a small home renovation project, I emailed someone my neighbor had recommended. They are good friends.

The contractor wrote back that he’d be happy to take on the project, but the rate he quoted seemed very high. After spending some time on his website, I realized why: He is a principal in his firm; there are more junior-level associates whose hourly rate is half as expensive.

My renovation project is really very small. Is there any polite way to request that he pass me on to one of his cheaper colleagues?

GENTLE READER: That you mentioned the friendship between your neighbor and the contractor makes Miss Manners suspect that you are concerned that it imposes an additional burden on you that would not be present in a simple business transaction.

This is not so. On the contrary, it provides a solution. Explain to the contractor that while you would love to engage his firm, the job is really too small to require someone of his level of experience. Conclude with what you would have said in a purely business transaction: that the quote exceeds your budget.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is “What are you doing?” a polite question?

I have had strangers and acquaintances alike ask me this question, and it puts me off-balance every time. One roommate made a habit of it when she found me at my computer, which prompted me to make strained and useless attempts to explain my work to her, somehow feeling I had to justify the use of my time.

I also recall an encounter on a farm I worked on, when a newly arrived intern I had not yet met asked me (without preamble) what I was doing as I removed my bike from a shed. Miss Manners, I almost felt she was accusing me of stealing. (This was a highly unlikely interpretation given the circumstances, and she did not admit to any such thought after hearing my answer.)

Am I overly sensitive, or does Miss Manners perhaps agree that “What are you doing?” (at least phrased so bluntly) is a question properly reserved for those with a particular right or need to know?

GENTLE READER: Your vehement response to an apparently innocuous question raises Miss Manners’ own curiosity about what you are doing. She will, however, refrain from asking, if you promise to assume, going forward, that your questioners’ motives are not sinister or critical.

It is not always a polite question, but it is usually meant as a casual one, and your answer can be equally so: “Oh, I’m on the computer” or “I’m getting out my bicycle.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 30-year-old woman who has been dealing with debilitating skin issues, the one most hindering being a severe sensitivity to scent -- specifically, excessive cologne and perfume, to the point where I will break out in a rash and asthma symptoms. This has led me to leave a job I love, and my apartment.

I avoid the big department stores when out, but occasionally when out in public, if someone is drenched in scent (not just a spritz), I have a bad reaction. I try to just take myself out of the situation. On occasion, those individuals have made rude remarks about my quick exit and take it personally when I about-face.

I am wondering what is a polite way to handle the situation. (I also believed it was not polite to drench oneself in perfume or cologne, even before I had these issues.) Should I explain their own lack of respect for others in general, or just keep walking away and take my licks?

GENTLE READER: Unless you are making faces at the fragrant offenders, Miss Manners wonders that they take a stranger’s departure personally. But as any explanation would require remaining in range, she prefers that your quick exit remain unexplained. You might, however, attempt to disguise it better, perhaps by seeing someone in the distance or looking as if you just realized you left the gas on at home.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)