DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m getting married soon and I’ve never felt more abandoned. My fiance (who I am eternally lucky to have, and has been my rock through all of this) and I have talked extensively about our views on weddings, and we agree that we want to make it fun for everyone. We don’t want it to be a burden for anyone, and we disagree with the general tradition of asking our friends and family to expend time and money just because we’re happy and getting married.

When I asked my chosen ladies to be bridesmaids, I did so with the caveat of “Really, only if you want to. It would mean a lot to have you there, but I understand not everyone enjoys being a bridesmaid; if you feel like it would be a burden, I understand.” Three of the five I asked politely declined, including my sister, whom I had asked to be my maid of honor.

Last weekend was my bachelorette party, and -- in keeping with our belief that it shouldn’t be a burden -- I planned and paid for the whole thing. And one person came. We couldn’t even play some of the bachelorette games because they were for three-plus players.

It was one of the sadder weekends on record for me. I understand that we’re all just living our lives and sometimes things come up, but I cannot shake this feeling of being completely abandoned and uncared-for. I feel a little angry, but mostly hurt (especially by my sister), and any advice you can give me on getting past it would be much appreciated.

GENTLE READER: Is it possible that you made all this sound so unappealing that your friends and family had no choice but to decline? Or that they thought you were asking for form’s sake, but hoping they would not take you up on these apologetic invitations?

Miss Manners appreciates your motives, but can understand how they could be misinterpreted.

Rather than apologize for what you seem to have billed as a waste of time and money, you could have focused your attention on ways to avoid wasting their time or money. (It seems you did so for the bachelorette party, but it might have been too late.)

Now Miss Manners urges you to ignore your feelings of resentment and perhaps even approach your sister and friends again, telling them that while they need not have an official title in the wedding, you will feel honored just to have them there. This may put them back in the festive spirit and make them more inclined to participate, knowing that it is voluntary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude, bad manners to have your feet (whether bare or shod) on furniture in public? Examples: on chairs in medical waiting rooms, on armrests in planes, etc.?

GENTLE READER: Yes. Rude, bad manners, and just plain ewwwww.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m invited to a wedding where the bride sent out three colors she is requesting the guests to wear. If I don’t have a gray dress (one of her colors) but instead wear a blue-gray dress, am I OK?

GENTLE READER: If your friend is bossy enough to dictate what colors her guests wear, she will likely have opinions about specific shades.

Miss Manners gives you license to wear whatever hue you like. She further urges brides to remember that they are not the directors of cinematography in award-hopeful films, but hostesses who would do well not to annoy their audience -- er, guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I lost my dear husband a mere two weeks ago, and am having a very rough time, as his death was sudden. We were a same-sex couple, together 18 years and married for four, and went through a lot together.

After some years of financial difficulty, we came into some money, which enabled us to get and furnish a small home. My husband also bought a nice computer, and a nice wardrobe.

Friends have taken to inquiring about what I am going to do with his nice clothes, even saying they would be happy to help me go through them. They also ask if I am going to remain in our home, while seeming to eye our newly acquired possessions. They say they want to “honor him.”

Some also drop by unannounced to “check on” me. I am still at a stage where I often prefer to be alone in my grief, undisturbed. They say they understand, but continue to intrude. If I do not answer the door, some will even bang on my windows to make sure I am OK.

It’s driving me to distraction. How can I politely tell them that I will reach out to them when I am ready, but to please not pester me?

GENTLE READER: You are under no obligation to entertain unannounced visitors. Or, Miss Manners assures you, to tolerate rude requests to unburden you from your possessions. You have her permission to tell them, “Thank you, but I am afraid that I am busy at the moment. Perhaps we can schedule a time to visit at a later date,” resisting the addition of, “or for you to honor us by rummaging through our things.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I both have successful careers, yet his parents continue to treat us like the poor relations.

We invited them over for a casual meal of hamburgers and salad on the porch, and when they walked in the door, his mother handed my husband $10 and told him it was to offset the cost of the meal.

My husband and I looked at each other, flabbergasted. Neither of us knew how to respond. I was horrified, but I think he thanked her and told her she was being silly.

Miss Manners, I was extremely insulted. Is there a proper response to this behavior next time?

GENTLE READER: “Thank you. I will be sure to tip the chef.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The question is: Should my niece write a thank-you note? Her mother (my sister) says no. I say yes.

Here’s the story: My niece’s friend has stayed the night at our house two times. She was a lovely guest, thanked us all profusely, but did not write a note. This friend sees my niece every day at their soccer program, where they are both interns.

My niece was invited to a lovely dinner hosted by her friend’s grandparents, with whom the friend lives. When I asked my sister if my niece had written the grandparents a thank-you note, my sister replied: “No, I don’t want her to show up (friend’s name)!”

This seems crazy to me. My niece enjoys a lovely invitation and doesn’t write the grandparents for fear of showing up their granddaughter? I think my sister is wrong.

GENTLE READER: Attempts to pass off your niece’s thoughtlessness (unwillingness to thank someone for a kindness) as thoughtfulness (avoiding shaming her friend) are neither logical nor convincing.

The events and the participants being distinct, no comparison is likely to be made. But if it were, Miss Manners would prefer to think that in writing a thank-you letter that the grandparents might mention favorably, your niece would be setting her friend a good example.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many months ago, I had a medical condition from which I am mostly recovered. It still manifests itself in mild but visible signs that do not bother me; I usually don’t even notice the problem. Eventually, this will all go away, so I am not at all concerned by it.

Sometimes, the person that I am speaking with will notice, and in the middle of the conversation will ask, “What’s the matter with your ___?” I know this question arises because the person I am speaking to is genuinely concerned, and I am happy that people care.

But the answer is complicated, and I do my best to be succinct. “I had such-and-such illness, which has left me with this visible problem, but I’m OK and it’s not a big deal.”

This, unfortunately, generates a gasp, because the name of the illness sounds much worse than it actually is. The gasp is followed by, “Oh, I’m so sorry,” along with more questions, or sometimes even a story that starts with “I once had ...” If I don’t name the illness, I get pressed further for more details.

I would much prefer to just get back to the conversation and not discuss medical conditions or illnesses. How can I respond in a way that ends the inquiry without making the person feel awful for having asked?

GENTLE READER: With less detail. “It was a side effect of a condition I had, but fortunately it’s resolved and going away.”

Miss Manners appreciates your assumption that the inquirer’s intentions are good, but that assumption will be tested if there are follow-up questions. Each subsequent answer should be identical to the first. The repetition is a pointed, but polite, way to respond to mounting rudeness.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)