DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m invited to a wedding where the bride sent out three colors she is requesting the guests to wear. If I don’t have a gray dress (one of her colors) but instead wear a blue-gray dress, am I OK?

GENTLE READER: If your friend is bossy enough to dictate what colors her guests wear, she will likely have opinions about specific shades.

Miss Manners gives you license to wear whatever hue you like. She further urges brides to remember that they are not the directors of cinematography in award-hopeful films, but hostesses who would do well not to annoy their audience -- er, guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I lost my dear husband a mere two weeks ago, and am having a very rough time, as his death was sudden. We were a same-sex couple, together 18 years and married for four, and went through a lot together.

After some years of financial difficulty, we came into some money, which enabled us to get and furnish a small home. My husband also bought a nice computer, and a nice wardrobe.

Friends have taken to inquiring about what I am going to do with his nice clothes, even saying they would be happy to help me go through them. They also ask if I am going to remain in our home, while seeming to eye our newly acquired possessions. They say they want to “honor him.”

Some also drop by unannounced to “check on” me. I am still at a stage where I often prefer to be alone in my grief, undisturbed. They say they understand, but continue to intrude. If I do not answer the door, some will even bang on my windows to make sure I am OK.

It’s driving me to distraction. How can I politely tell them that I will reach out to them when I am ready, but to please not pester me?

GENTLE READER: You are under no obligation to entertain unannounced visitors. Or, Miss Manners assures you, to tolerate rude requests to unburden you from your possessions. You have her permission to tell them, “Thank you, but I am afraid that I am busy at the moment. Perhaps we can schedule a time to visit at a later date,” resisting the addition of, “or for you to honor us by rummaging through our things.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I both have successful careers, yet his parents continue to treat us like the poor relations.

We invited them over for a casual meal of hamburgers and salad on the porch, and when they walked in the door, his mother handed my husband $10 and told him it was to offset the cost of the meal.

My husband and I looked at each other, flabbergasted. Neither of us knew how to respond. I was horrified, but I think he thanked her and told her she was being silly.

Miss Manners, I was extremely insulted. Is there a proper response to this behavior next time?

GENTLE READER: “Thank you. I will be sure to tip the chef.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The question is: Should my niece write a thank-you note? Her mother (my sister) says no. I say yes.

Here’s the story: My niece’s friend has stayed the night at our house two times. She was a lovely guest, thanked us all profusely, but did not write a note. This friend sees my niece every day at their soccer program, where they are both interns.

My niece was invited to a lovely dinner hosted by her friend’s grandparents, with whom the friend lives. When I asked my sister if my niece had written the grandparents a thank-you note, my sister replied: “No, I don’t want her to show up (friend’s name)!”

This seems crazy to me. My niece enjoys a lovely invitation and doesn’t write the grandparents for fear of showing up their granddaughter? I think my sister is wrong.

GENTLE READER: Attempts to pass off your niece’s thoughtlessness (unwillingness to thank someone for a kindness) as thoughtfulness (avoiding shaming her friend) are neither logical nor convincing.

The events and the participants being distinct, no comparison is likely to be made. But if it were, Miss Manners would prefer to think that in writing a thank-you letter that the grandparents might mention favorably, your niece would be setting her friend a good example.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many months ago, I had a medical condition from which I am mostly recovered. It still manifests itself in mild but visible signs that do not bother me; I usually don’t even notice the problem. Eventually, this will all go away, so I am not at all concerned by it.

Sometimes, the person that I am speaking with will notice, and in the middle of the conversation will ask, “What’s the matter with your ___?” I know this question arises because the person I am speaking to is genuinely concerned, and I am happy that people care.

But the answer is complicated, and I do my best to be succinct. “I had such-and-such illness, which has left me with this visible problem, but I’m OK and it’s not a big deal.”

This, unfortunately, generates a gasp, because the name of the illness sounds much worse than it actually is. The gasp is followed by, “Oh, I’m so sorry,” along with more questions, or sometimes even a story that starts with “I once had ...” If I don’t name the illness, I get pressed further for more details.

I would much prefer to just get back to the conversation and not discuss medical conditions or illnesses. How can I respond in a way that ends the inquiry without making the person feel awful for having asked?

GENTLE READER: With less detail. “It was a side effect of a condition I had, but fortunately it’s resolved and going away.”

Miss Manners appreciates your assumption that the inquirer’s intentions are good, but that assumption will be tested if there are follow-up questions. Each subsequent answer should be identical to the first. The repetition is a pointed, but polite, way to respond to mounting rudeness.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper response when an acquaintance or stranger says “She’s beautiful” about your child?

Even if I were my teenaged daughter’s biological mother (I’m not), I think “thank you” is a little strange because her beauty isn’t my accomplishment. Should the answer be different depending on whether my daughter is present?

GENTLE READER: Compliments are an expression of admiration, and sometimes also of gratitude, flattery -- or merely an attempt to move things along. Miss Manners expects that anyone who has toasted the host at a boring dinner party or been on a first date is aware of this.

Because compliments are not recognition for work well done, you need not worry about not having earned one. The proper response is “thank you,” meaning for having thought and/or said something charming. If the compliment is given to you about your teenage daughter in her presence, your daughter will have to be gracious about not being addressed directly, an approach more suited to a small child.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son and his new wife were married last year, with a wedding shower the month before. We have never received thank-you cards for either event, nor have any of the other guests.

This is very rude of my son and my daughter-in-law, in my opinion. Should I say something to them about getting busy writing, or just let them be rude? Is telling them to write them rude as well?

GENTLE READER: It is not rude when you are in loco parentis -- and even less so, if there can be less than no rudeness -- or when you are the actual parentis.

Miss Manners does suggest that when you raise the issue, you talk about the other guests’ not having received thanks, and leave your own grievance to the side. There will then be no way to confuse justifiable parental nagging with whining.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I both wear wedding bands with carved designs. My ring has no diamonds or jewels of any kind. I don’t have an engagement ring. I respect other women’s preferences, but I did not want my husband to spend unnecessary money on jewels. Our bands were not expensive and they are comfortable to wear.

Some people seem to think that a lack of jewels is an indicator that the husband is not truly devoted. One person even implied that an inexpensive ring means that there was a “shotgun wedding,” for an unexpected pregnancy.

We have been married for seven years, are financially comfortable, and we have no children by choice. How should I respond to people who ask why he didn’t buy me a diamond?

GENTLE READER: As if someone had questioned the value of one of your most treasured possessions.

Miss Manners is not advising a counterattack of the “I do not waste money on baubles” variety. The sentiment-vs.-expense point can be made more subtly. Your face should convey surprise, hurt and vulnerability, as you explain that your husband knows you so well that he guessed that this ring would mean more to you than any rocks would have.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)