DEAR MISS MANNERS: Perhaps I am just too much of a feminist, but I really hate it when men hold the door for me or let me get on/off the elevator first.

Long ago, I realized it was a losing battle to try to stop this demeaning practice. But it has become even more annoying since, a year ago, I hurt my knee and have difficulty with stairs. There is a short flight of stairs and about 20 feet of space leading to the front door of my office building. I have to go slowly up these stairs. It’s not a problem, as long as I go slow and hold on to the railing.

But many times, if a man is at the door, he will stand there holding it open for me as I hobble up the stairs. There is nothing wrong with my arms, and I am totally capable of opening a door on my own, even though I am just a woman. I cannot hurry up for these well-meaning but patronizing men, and they end up standing there for quite some time since I cannot walk up stairs as fast as a normal person.

How can I politely wave them off? I have tried “Please go ahead,” only to have them stand there like their life depends on holding the door for the “weaker sex.” I am tempted to just stop and stand until they finally go through the door!

GENTLE READER: Please stop trying to pass off your unbecoming hostility as feminism. That attitude is responsible for seated passengers pretending not to notice expectant mothers swaying on their feet out of fear that common courtesy will be met with insult.

You disdain the Ladies First system of precedence, which is now something of an anachronism, properly practiced only in the general social realm. You also disdain its replacement, favoring those in apparent need. Both have been offered to you, and you need only say “No, thank you, I’m fine” to acknowledge the courtesy but reject the advantage.

Do you have another system to suggest? In the absence of one, it becomes Me First and Might Makes Right. Before Ladies First, ladies were shoved aside, and even during its heyday, so were females who were not considered to be ladies. The disabled were supposed to keep out of sight.

Miss Manners wonders whether you think that there is so much consideration of others in our society that you need to disparage those who offer it. You would serve the cause of feminism better by widening the application of courtesies, not squelching them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just heard about a couple who is getting married and charging their guests up to $200. If you want to attend the wedding, it will cost a certain specified amount. If you want to go to the reception, it will cost another specified amount. If you want to EAT at the reception, it will cost even more -- up to a total of $200 each.

So it could cost a couple $400 to attend this wedding. I wonder if they’re expecting a present on top of this.

GENTLE READER: Certainly they are expecting to squeeze their guests as much as possible. But this offer does not strike Miss Manners as a bargain, and imagines that those who agree will decline the honor of attending.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who is kind, intelligent and interesting. But she has a habit of doing something that really bothers me, and I’m not sure how to handle it.

She is not the kind of person who hands out compliments, and when she does, it doesn’t feel like one. Right after our youngest daughter’s wedding, she sent me a text to tell me how nice it was, but that she liked our other daughter’s wedding venue better.

I didn’t ask for her opinion. She did the same thing after we moved to a new house. I invited her over and without my asking, she told me our first house was her favorite. Again, I didn’t ask.

Why would you offer a compliment about a previous event or purchase during the current one? It’s so exasperating! And rude. I have always complimented her on her taste, her appearance, etc. and she never seems to have anything constructive to say to me. It seems so petty to let this bother me, but it does, and I’m not sure how to respond to these backhanded compliments. What do you advise?

GENTLE READER: That you get a better class of friends. Miss Manners recalls you starting this question by stating how kind and intelligent your friend was. Evidence seems to point otherwise.

You might respond, ”I am so sorry that you feel that way, but it seems there is nothing we can do about it now. I hope that you were/will be able to enjoy the evening, nevertheless.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: With the proliferation of online and desktop publishing, it seems that anyone with a computer and an idea can become an instant “published author.”

How do we, who would rather choose the books we want to read, respond politely to friends and even remote acquaintances who press their books on us, not just to read, but clearly for praise?

I’ve noticed lately that the energy with which these people pursue five-star ratings and praise -- but not honest critique -- seems to be in inverse proportion to the quality of the work.

The last time I was gifted with a book I would never have picked up, I thanked the person but mentioned that I had several reading projects in front of it. That hasn’t stopped her from checking in frequently for my glowing response.

I did read some of it. Life is too short to continue. How does one deal with this situation?

GENTLE READER: With less effort than you have been. By issuing a time frame for reading the book, you have invited the author to follow up on it by simply waiting a little longer before demanding a response. A simple thank-you for the book -- with no explanation of why there will be no future review -- will suffice.

If one is requested, you may say, “Oh, I thought it was a present. I’m afraid I do not consider myself a critic, or even much of a writer.” Miss Manners hopes that for your sake, this particular book’s author will eventually find the same humility.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At 58 and as a lifelong bachelor, I have finally found the person I wish to marry. She, I’m sure, feels the same. The issue is popping the question.

We live together in the Midwest, very near her family. We spend two weeks every year with my family in the East. I would like to ask her there, so I may immediately convey the Big News to my mother in person and share the delight I am certain she will feel.

I recognize that etiquette no longer requires I speak to my intended’s father first, but I wonder whether it is improper for me to ask at my convenience, and so deprive her of the pleasure of immediately informing her family in person. My hope is that the fact of the proposal will be enough for her.

Needless to say, I’m in no position to find out her thoughts on the matter. But I thought I might find out yours.

GENTLE READER: And yet Miss Manners has infinitely fewer personal feelings about the outcome than your potential betrothed. This lady will presumably have many --and thinking of her first would be a good way to set precedence for any future you may have with her.

A compromise might be to ask the father for her hand -- not as a means of consent, in this case, but as fair warning for the family, asking them not to spoil the surprise for your intended. This method also has the added benefit of being charming and subtly dismissive toward any question of your friend’s age and obvious independence from her parents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a quiet, shy, introverted person, tend to have a slow response time, and don’t like to interrupt.

When in conversation with quick-witted, talkative people, I often don’t end up saying much. Which is fine, except when parting, the other person sometimes says, “I feel like I’ve done all the talking.”

I am always at a loss as to how to respond in a polite way, and, really, it makes me feel like a chump for not being more of a sparkling conversationalist. Help, please.

GENTLE READER: “Not at all. I enjoyed listening.” No doubt, rather than finding you boring, these conversationalists will find you all the more fascinating by being interested in them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A good friend’s sickly, elderly brother died in his sleep. We converse on a daily basis, so I found out relatively quickly. Another good friend of mine is also a mutual friend, but they only see each other a few times a year.

Should I tell my other friend about the death of the brother of our connected friend, or is it not my place to do so? Is it disrespectful to inform someone of a death before the family does?

In this particular case -- since the two friends don’t see each other that often -- it’s not likely that the deceased’s brother will see or contact our mutual friend in the near future.

GENTLE READER: Unlike good news, bad news is not generally something the principally affected person is eager to convey, Miss Manners finds. And certainly news of the deceased does not possess sole ownership. You may in good conscience tell your friend the news. And then it is up to him to convey condolences.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)