DEAR MISS MANNERS: At 58 and as a lifelong bachelor, I have finally found the person I wish to marry. She, I’m sure, feels the same. The issue is popping the question.

We live together in the Midwest, very near her family. We spend two weeks every year with my family in the East. I would like to ask her there, so I may immediately convey the Big News to my mother in person and share the delight I am certain she will feel.

I recognize that etiquette no longer requires I speak to my intended’s father first, but I wonder whether it is improper for me to ask at my convenience, and so deprive her of the pleasure of immediately informing her family in person. My hope is that the fact of the proposal will be enough for her.

Needless to say, I’m in no position to find out her thoughts on the matter. But I thought I might find out yours.

GENTLE READER: And yet Miss Manners has infinitely fewer personal feelings about the outcome than your potential betrothed. This lady will presumably have many --and thinking of her first would be a good way to set precedence for any future you may have with her.

A compromise might be to ask the father for her hand -- not as a means of consent, in this case, but as fair warning for the family, asking them not to spoil the surprise for your intended. This method also has the added benefit of being charming and subtly dismissive toward any question of your friend’s age and obvious independence from her parents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a quiet, shy, introverted person, tend to have a slow response time, and don’t like to interrupt.

When in conversation with quick-witted, talkative people, I often don’t end up saying much. Which is fine, except when parting, the other person sometimes says, “I feel like I’ve done all the talking.”

I am always at a loss as to how to respond in a polite way, and, really, it makes me feel like a chump for not being more of a sparkling conversationalist. Help, please.

GENTLE READER: “Not at all. I enjoyed listening.” No doubt, rather than finding you boring, these conversationalists will find you all the more fascinating by being interested in them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A good friend’s sickly, elderly brother died in his sleep. We converse on a daily basis, so I found out relatively quickly. Another good friend of mine is also a mutual friend, but they only see each other a few times a year.

Should I tell my other friend about the death of the brother of our connected friend, or is it not my place to do so? Is it disrespectful to inform someone of a death before the family does?

In this particular case -- since the two friends don’t see each other that often -- it’s not likely that the deceased’s brother will see or contact our mutual friend in the near future.

GENTLE READER: Unlike good news, bad news is not generally something the principally affected person is eager to convey, Miss Manners finds. And certainly news of the deceased does not possess sole ownership. You may in good conscience tell your friend the news. And then it is up to him to convey condolences.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m in my 60s, and though I have aches and pains, I try to take a daily walk. Often I encounter a robust young lady striding along the sidewalk coming the other way. She always gives me a friendly smile, and seems like a good soul generally, but she barrels down the center of the sidewalk, forcing me into the gutter.

A friend who uses a walker says she has the same problem in her city, but as the young athletes bear down on her, they always say, “Excuse me.” How should we handle this situation?

GENTLE READER: Stop!

A stationary object is easier to avoid than a moving target, and you will be less likely to be injured if you are not throwing yourself into a ditch.

There is an unstated assumption that the object in motion bears the responsibility for avoiding a collision. Yet Miss Manners does not recommend that you increase the chances of your getting hurt. Therefore you will have to display mental, in place of physical, flexibility if you are to escape unscathed. A robust young lady should have the ability to avoid barreling into you -- particularly if you stop as soon as you see her coming -- and may not have swerved in the past merely because you already moved out of the way.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 28-year-old woman who was adopted from South Korea as an infant and has lived in the Midwest ever since. I wait tables on the weekends at a downtown restaurant.

I find that during almost every shift I work, at least one customer feels compelled to ask about my ethnicity. It’s usually people in their 40s-60s who wish to tell me that they used to date a Korean woman, know a Japanese girl or have a daughter-in-law from Vietnam.

I enjoy talking and laughing with my guests and am open to many topics, but I don’t understand why people feel comfortable asking this. When they ask what my nationality is, I respond “American,” but I have not crafted a good response to the question “What is your ethnicity?”

A simple “I don’t feel comfortable answering that question” and a change of subject make me seem standoffish and can affect the relationship with a customer. I generally like to respond with a little sarcasm so it can seem lighthearted. I’m not trying to lecture anybody, just show them why that was an impolite question.

GENTLE READER: ”As you can see, I look typically American.”

Or you could just get distracted in a way that demonstrates solicitousness for the customer: remembering one of the specials, excusing yourself to get the drinks list, or saying that you would love to get their order in so that they get their food quickly.

Yes, the question is impolite. And while Miss Manners assumes you never mean to offend, she recognizes that your interest in the customer’s satisfaction is about more than just etiquette.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family has a long and active history of skin cancer. Like them, I am very pale and do not tan, but burn very easily. I cannot be out in the sun for more than an hour without a protective outfit.

Whenever the subject arises -- which it feels like it does on a frequent basis, given how much people love tanning -- I am met with remarks like, “Well, we’re all going to die someday” or “Oh, but don’t you want to try tanning a little just to see what happens?”

What will happen is a second-degree burn and another skin-check with my dermatologist.

I am left flabbergasted by these flippant comments. I am in my late 20s. I cannot believe anyone would think my getting cancer and dying young is even remotely all right. No one would think of saying such things about any other type of cancer. Perhaps death by skin cancer is OK, as long as one has a nice tan while they’re laid out.

Would you please suggest some comebacks I can keep in mind for when these comments inevitably come up again?

GENTLE READER: If “we’re all going to die someday” was meant as humor, Miss Manners is not amused.

She will gladly remind everyone that pushing people to do something they have said they do not want to do is rude, no matter their reasons. But since we all hope to be around for a long time, she will add that the price of civilization is understanding others’ comments as they were intended, not compounding them for the hundred other times someone else said the same foolish thing.

Miss Manners hopes that people will stop being inconsiderate about your condition. But even if that does not happen, she hopes you will be able to shrug them off with a polite “No, thank you,” instead of an angry retort, well into old age.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After many years of heavy drinking, my husband has rather recently given up alcohol altogether. I am hosting a birthday dinner for him at a restaurant. Several guests are not aware that he no longer drinks, and given his past habits, it is likely that some will bring an expensive bottle of something as a birthday gift.

I want to let guests know ahead of time that he is not drinking, because I want to avoid a situation where my husband explains this at the party, then proceeds to open fancy bags of alcohol from our well-meaning friends.

However, I don’t want to imply that we are expecting any gifts, nor do I want guests to think they’re not welcome to drink at the dinner (other people’s drinking does not bother my husband, and we want our guests to have a good time). Is there any polite way to let our friends know the situation?

GENTLE READER: Surely the donors do not expect your husband to consume these presents on the spot, and he could merely thank them while saving the bottles to serve future guests.

Or you could mention your husband’s new resolution before the event. Miss Manners is confident that friends who are told, “Roger has felt so much better since he stopped drinking!” will draw their own conclusions about appropriate gifts.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)