DEAR MISS MANNERS: If someone burps, passes gas, etc., and says “Excuse me,” is it proper to say “You are excused”? I have someone teaching this to my grandchildren and it is new to me. Have I been disrespectful my entire life?

GENTLE READER: Without knowing you, Miss Manners can hardly say.

If your response to these bodily transgressions has heretofore been, “Ew, gross!” or “Wasn’t me!” then yes. If, however, you simply ignored them and responded with a polite smile, you would not be faulted.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family and I like to go to a restaurant that has great food. More than a couple of times, we have not been waited on for quite a while after being seated. The most recent time this occurred, a member of the waitstaff finally came to our table and asked, “How are you doing tonight?”

I replied, “Not that great. We have not been waited on yet.”

My daughter thought I was rude. What do you think? What should I have said instead?

GENTLE READER: Well, they did ask. While Miss Manners rarely advocates answering mere pleasantries with “honesty” (a horribly abused sentiment that is generally synonymous with insults), in this case, the waitstaff was uniquely qualified to remedy the situation.

“I am afraid that we are terribly thirsty and hungry. I wonder if you could help us with that,” said in as soft and genuine a tone as you can muster, is both accurate and polite. It is the “soft” part that Miss Manners fears was missing in your own reply.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an RSVP card that reads, “Please indicate the number attending.” Can you please tell me: When completing this form, in the instance that one of us (my husband) will be attending and I will not, do we mark “1” by “graciously accepts” and another “1” by “regretfully declines”? Or only the “1” that will be attending? And do we complete the blank for the name with only my husband’s name?

GENTLE READER: This confusing word- and number-play is yet another example of a modern so-called convenience gone awry.

Response cards are a pathetic attempt to ensure a prompt response from guests -- which still most often fails. As much as you may regret the paper waste, the proper -- and in this case, infinitely easier -- thing to do would be to write a handwritten note on actual stationery that clearly answers the question, rather than awkwardly tries to fit it into a prewritten form. “Mr. Dabney Polite-Person accepts with pleasure the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. WantsAResponse. Ms. Isabelle Polite-Person regrets exceedingly that she will be unable to attend.”

As a great concession, and in the interest of saving postage, Miss Manners will allow this note to be stuffed into any pre-addressed envelopes that accompanied the original card. But that does not mean she will like it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have three friends who, at times, refuse to talk at all in social situations. I am going to visit one of them as her houseguest.

I suspect that the reason she does not chat or respond to remarks is solely due to her being hard of hearing, but she attributes it to the custom in her family. She does not even respond to practical questions or remarks. I have sat through dinners in total silence.

I suspect that she relies almost totally on lip-reading, hence she chats only when we sit down in a quiet place and she can face me. She will not discuss her hearing without extreme shame and upset. Is it OK if I read, go online, sleep or watch TV (depending on the situation) as I would if I were alone?

The second friend loves to go out for cocktails, but will sometimes sit in silence, barely responding to my questions and not bringing up any topics. I brought along a book to occupy myself during the usual two hours of silence one day, and she remarked angrily, “If I knew you were going to read, I would have brought my book.” I didn’t want to start a fight, so I put the book away and started to talk (that seems to be my job).

The third friend, also on vacation, refused to talk at all at meal times, saying she had to concentrate on her chewing. We were childhood friends and until recently had always chatted during meals. So I turned on the TV and brought a book to the table. She was extremely angry, but still refused to talk.

I am not able to force people to talk, so is it reasonable and polite for me to occupy myself as though I were alone?

GENTLE READER: Apparently your friends, who may well have hearing problems, do not think so. But rather than deal with that difficulty, they seem to consider it reasonable and polite to remain silent while you perform monologues for them -- so perhaps they are not the most trusted sources. Miss Manners also has to wonder how people who argue that they prioritize chewing over conversation have remained friends for this long.

If you are a houseguest or on vacation, the situation emulates an extension of being in one’s own home. You could say, “It seems that you are tired and I do not wish to burden you with conversation. Perhaps you wouldn’t mind if I read or turned on the television, unless there’s something that you particularly wish to discuss.” Or you can claim your own fatigue and retire to your room.

Unfortunately, when you are out in public together, it is not considered polite to otherwise occupy oneself, even if the conversation is strained. Although that has clearly not stopped most of the electronic device-carrying world.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find myself in a unique position of wanting to return a gift to the person who gave it. It was a cookbook given to my late partner, just before his death. It was a very caring and thoughtful gift that I wish the gift-er could or would use for another person.

GENTLE READER: This is a rare occasion where obvious regifting is not considered impolite -- if, Miss Manners notes, it is done kindly and with sensitivity. “My partner adored this gift and used it often,” you can say. “I am sure that he would want you to have it, since you shared such an enthusiasm for cooking.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two male coworkers who insist that men do not need to wash their hands every time they use the bathroom, but only if they are making a number two (shall I politely say) or if they are going to lunch.

I say, everyone should wash their hands every time they use the restroom, for proper hygiene. Not just for themselves, but for every other person in the office.

GENTLE READER: Not being a medical professional, Miss Manners’ insights into hand-washing are of limited value. The hygiene-of-the-office conversation, however, is her area, and on this she has a definite opinion: Inquiries into the bathroom practices of co-workers are decidedly unsanitary. If such issues must be addressed, management can do so through posted signs.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A very dear friend of mine recently married, and his wife and I have struck up a friendship as well. They often invite me to their home for dinners or visits.

Several times, I have been horrified by the hostess placing her bare feet on the dinner table, so much so that it’s hard to have a conversation with her while it’s happening. She has never done it WHILE we are eating, but it’s impossible to eat without thinking about her habit.

It is her house, and I can’t say anything about how she should conduct herself in her own home, especially when she’s hosting me. However, it makes me terribly uncomfortable and seems rude on her part. Is there any proper way to address this, or should I simply keep silent? I have no idea what I would say if I could say anything at all.

GENTLE READER: That it is rude to correct the manners of another person, does not mean you are entirely without options. Find a moment, in a private discussion with your friend, to mention how much you adore his wife, after which you may express amusement over how shocking some people no doubt find this particular habit. Ideally, your friend will deal with the situation himself. But Miss Manners realizes that it is also possible he will be equally amused and confess that this is what made him fall in love with her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My good friend and I simply adore book signings. Recently she had a baby, and when I invited her to a book signing, she responded that it’ll be “the baby’s first signing!” It will be right at the baby’s bedtime, and I don’t want to be rude to other attendees. Is it rude of me to try to discourage her from bringing a 6-month-old to a book signing?

GENTLE READER: Whether or not it would be rude, Miss Manners questions if it will not be ineffective and unnecessary.

As someone who has attended one or two book signings, she recognizes that they generally provide more ways to escape or take aside an unruly infant than, say, a sit-down dinner. She recommends presuming that the mother will contain unwanted outbursts. But if you cannot make that presumption, express concern that the baby might not find it as interesting as those who have already learned to read.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)