life

Replying to Customers Who Want Something for Nothing

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 14th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a publication covering a specific field. Although some other publications in our field are free for subscribers (supported only by advertising), we charge for subscriptions. We honestly think our content is a cut above, and that seems to be borne out by the many people willing to pay for our subscription.

However, we often hear from people calling to subscribe or renew their subscriptions who act disgruntled that they have to pay. “XYZ Magazine doesn’t charge for subscriptions,” they’ll grumble. Or: “I’ve never had to pay for one of these magazines before.”

Sometimes they’ll even mix up their publications and say, accusingly: “I thought this was FREE!” A few really brazen ones will claim they’re some sort of special case and we should waive the fee for them.

Privately, I’m very put out that they don’t think they should have to pay for our content. Some very smart people work quite hard on it. Since most of these callers ultimately pay, they obviously think our content is valuable.

I want to point out that they would never think of walking into a store and demanding to walk out with a product without paying. But since they’re customers and I have to be polite, I’m always reduced to saying something like, “Well, yes, it is a paid subscription.” Or: “Yes, as far as I know it’s always been a paid subscription.” Or, “No, actually there’s just one price for everyone.” Or: “Yes, I’ve heard XYZ is free, but there’s a charge for ours.”

Is there something appropriate I could say that underscores that our product is worth something and their sense of entitlement is out of line?

GENTLE READER: Just that. “We think our product is worth it. But of course if you feel otherwise, that is your choice.” Miss Manners recommends that you resist adding the ubiquitous, “Is there anything else I can help you with?” -- as these same customers will likely think of plenty.

life

Miss Manners for October 14, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 14th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What should I do? I am not good at math lol.

GENTLE READER: Nor, it seems, proper English. While technology can often help with both problems, evidence suggests that it has not done a particularly good job of accurately solving either. If it is important to you -- and you are using it as an excuse to shortchange friends and businesses -- Miss Manners suggests that you enlist a human tutor.

life

Miss Manners for October 14, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 14th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A small bud fell off a flower bouquet yesterday, and I pinned it in my hair. My dear husband was charmed, but are there rules for wearing fresh flowers in the hair?

It seems too frivolous for work, but what about wearing a flower to church, to a store, or to a restaurant? Does the time of day or the season matter?

GENTLE READER: Only if the quality of the flower is compromised by it. Rotting buds and creepy crawlers will likely diminish the intended charm. As long as you may reasonably ensure that those things will not occur, Miss Manners is happy to encourage you to wear flowers for any and all of the aforementioned occasions.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Does Host Have to Take Guest’s Dog Out?

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 13th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 4

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live on the sixth floor of an apartment building downtown. Whenever a certain friend comes over to visit, he asks if he can bring his dog. I love dogs and always say yes.

On his last visit, he said, “A good hostess would take her guest’s dog out when it needed to go to the bathroom.” What is the proper etiquette when someone brings their dog to your home?

GENTLE READER: A good host will facilitate the guests’ reasonable comfort by providing refreshment and pointing out bathroom facilities when needed. The host is not, however, responsible for ensuring that the bodily tasks therein associated are successfully completed. In short, unless the owner is otherwise indisposed and you are feeling generous, Miss Manners does not require that a good host accompany guests’ pets to the bathroom.

life

Miss Manners for October 13, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 13th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 4

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My first reaction to someone telling me about an unfortunate event or situation is to say something like, “Oh dear, I’m so sorry.”

Several times, by different people, I have been rebuffed with a “Why? It’s not your fault!”

All right, Miss Manners, what am I doing wrong here? How can I express my condolences for a tragedy without also taking the blame for it? I assume these people don’t actually think I believe I’m under suspicion, so why are they replying this way?

GENTLE READER: To be cheeky and have something to say. Particularly when dealing with bad news, Miss Manners finds that people look for misplaced levity in the strangest of ways.

Adding “for you” to the “I am so sorry” would likely have these same people complain that it sounds like you are pitying them. If these rebukes continue, you could simply look shocked at the insinuation and add, “I meant sorry on your behalf, of course.”

life

Miss Manners for October 13, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 13th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 4

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I have a difference of opinion concerning shirtless men in public. I feel there is an appropriate time and place where it is acceptable to walk around half-clothed: beach, waterpark, working.

GENTLE READER: What kind of “working”?

Miss Manners will concede the first two examples, but disputes the last. If the type of work is for oneself, unpaid and limited to the confines of one’s home, Miss Manners will look away if she happens to catch a glimpse from next door. But unless the dress code of any paid work actually demands partial nudity, she frowns upon it in public.

life

Miss Manners for October 13, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 13th, 2017 | Letter 4 of 4

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve been married three times: The first one ended in divorce after 33 years, my second husband died after five years of a serious illness, and I’ve been married to my third husband now for 15 years.

What is the proper way to refer to my previous husbands, especially the one in the middle? I feel weird saying “my late husband,” because they’ll think I’m a widow. My first one is still “my first husband.”

GENTLE READER: “My former husband” -- or husbands, as the subject requires. Of course, you can also always use their names, but Miss Manners knows how everyone does enjoy context.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

If Friend Posted News, It’s Fair Game to Discuss

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 12th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the etiquette around addressing, with a friend, a personal topic that you learned about through social media?

For example, if a friend publishes on social media a story of their recent hospitalization, how do I handle this information the next time I see them in person? Do I wait for them to tell me again? Address it head-on? I have tried both approaches, and neither feels natural.

GENTLE READER: We have become so accustomed to the technology in our lives being replaced every six months that it is natural to think that etiquette is equally transitory.

It does evolve, but at a slower pace. The situation you describe is no different than when the neighborhood gossip told you across the fence that Mr. So-and-So’s wife absconded with both their retirement savings and the plumber.

Source and subject matter are the relevant issues. If the personal information was promulgated by the friend affected, you are free to address it; if it was promulgated by someone who had no right or reason to share, then delicacy is in order: “Did I hear that you were not feeling well? I’m so sorry. If I had known, I would have called.” And as before, some subject matter is best not touched at all until you have been told directly.

life

Miss Manners for October 12, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | October 12th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 11-year-old son goes to an international school in the U.S. We hosted an 11-year-old boy for several weeks on an exchange program.

That boy rarely said please or thank you, made occasional gruff requests, resisted going to bed, and was in general not experienced as a lovely guest by us grown-ups. (My son is not perfectly polite, but is mostly good at please, thank you, and friendly conversation with grown-ups.) The two boys had a wonderful time together nonetheless.

However, his poor manners got more and more on my nerves as the days wore on. To what extent would you say that it was my responsibility or right in loco parentis to offer reminders -- as I would to my own son -- to say please/thank you, ask pleasantly for things rather than make gruff requests, and so on?

I felt uncomfortable at the beginning about prodding him to be more polite. As time went by, his behavior was getting very much on my nerves, but then it seemed too late to start prodding. I did remind him to thank another mom who drove him with several boys on an outing, saying (in his language, as he didn’t speak English), “Don’t forget to thank Caleb’s mom!”

But would it be acceptable to say to him, “Don’t forget to say ‘thank you’ when we take you on a special weekend outing”?

GENTLE READER: As the acting parent, teaching good manners is both your responsibility and your right. Miss Manners will allow you to soften the blow with explanations that this is “the custom here,” so long as you can avoid giving the impression that you think Americans have a global corner on the etiquette market.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Next up: More trusted advice from...

  • My Friend’s Constant Attempts at being Funny Are No Laughing Matter. Help!
  • My Know-it-All Buddy is Ruining Our Friendship
  • My Fear of Feeling Irrelevant is Real, and Gosh, It Is Painful
  • 7 Day Menu Planner for June 04, 2023
  • 7 Day Menu Planner for May 28, 2023
  • 7 Day Menu Planner for May 21, 2023
  • Deaf Ph.D. Grad Defies Odds
  • The Best Senior Year Tradition
  • Finding a Mother's Love After Losing Your Mom
UExpressLifeParentingHomePetsHealthAstrologyOdditiesA-Z
AboutContactSubmissionsTerms of ServicePrivacy Policy
©2023 Andrews McMeel Universal