life

Countering 'I'm Jealous!' Statements

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 16th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an acquaintance whose response to other people’s good news is almost always a fervent, and loud, “I’m so jealous!” This might be in response to forthcoming vacation plans, a delicious dinner out or a restorative nap.

I’m sure that she doesn’t realize how unpleasant it is to be told that my enjoyment has caused her emotional distress. I’ve taken to avoiding conversations with her because I am not sure how to respond to this statement, and would rather not avoid all mention of any aspect of my life that might serve to inspire it.

I have often thought of answering her “I’m so jealous!” exclamation with a light-hearted “Oh, dear, I had hoped you might be happy for me! I am so sorry to have caused you distress!” but am not sure if this would be considered appropriate, or exactly which facial expression would best convey my meaning. I worry that others are also put off by what seems to be a habitual response and is, no doubt, meant to charm, not dismay.

GENTLE READER: Actually, Miss Manners finds your response to be perfect. The accompanying facial expression (eyebrows together, mouth turned down) should demonstrate that is equal parts hurt and confusion. With any luck, that will be the last time that you will have to indulge her.

life

Miss Manners for September 16, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 16th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Am I correct that food, once on my plate, remains MY food even if moved to the refrigerator as leftovers?

My husband thinks that anything he finds in the refrigerator is fair game, even if it’s my carefully wrapped half of a lobster that I couldn’t finish the night before.

Is this the accepted custom for leftovers? He says if it’s in the refrigerator, it’s for anyone. Should I buy a mini fridge to keep in my closet?

GENTLE READER: Would it not be less expensive just to appeal to your husband and ask him not to eat it? Miss Manners hopes that you will not resort to the office break room practice of labeling your food, when a short conversation after your meal seems so much easier. And would set a far better precedent for marital communication -- if not marital sharing -- in the future.

life

Miss Manners for September 16, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 16th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have six nephews, ages 13 to 29. At what age is the proper etiquette to stop giving birthday and Christmas gifts?

I myself do not have any children. I am expected to give gifts because I have a decent occupation; however, I am not close to any of them. Two of the six do acknowledge the gifts.

GENTLE READER: Then continue to give presents only to them. While there is no etiquette rule that caps the ages of the recipients, there is one that requires a thank-you note for any presents received. Miss Manners encourages you to continue the relationship with only the nephews who acknowledge the gesture, for as long as they continue to do so.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Adjust Your Rates Rather Than Asking for Tips

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 15th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a business providing pet grooming services. While tips are not ever required, I would like to make clients aware that tipping is allowed and very much appreciated.

I would like to put something in an advertisement about tipping, but I do not want to come off as rude or make it seem as though I expect the clients to do so. I have thought about using a tip jar; however, there are several businesses sharing the same space, and I don’t want any of the other clients to think that the tips are for all of the employees.

What is the best way to approach tip awareness without being rude or seeming entitled to them?

GENTLE READER: By not doing it at all. You have just demonstrated why Miss Manners has always abhorred the practice of tipping. Asking patrons to make a subjective decision about the service they have received (haven’t internet reviews replaced that?) by putting it in monetary terms is unpleasant -- and the demand for it, rude.

You simply cannot make an explicit request for money -- especially while dictating its particulars -- and then act as if it is the customer’s choice to do it.

However, Miss Manners concedes its necessity, as long as business owners are unwilling or unable to pay a living wage. But in this case, you are the business owner. You are in a unique position to eliminate the unpleasant and confusing practice by adjusting the price of the service instead. Please do so and set a good example for the rest of the retail world.

life

Miss Manners for September 15, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 15th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a name that people like to make jokes about. No matter how clever or original a person might think their comment is, I have heard it many times before! Even after someone meets me for the first time, they might continue to make the jokes whenever we see each other. What is the best way to tell someone that I hear this all the time, and I would like for them to stop?

GENTLE READER: “Yes, people keep saying that. What are some of the names that you get called that you find hilarious?”

life

Miss Manners for September 15, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 15th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: From time to time in conversations at social gatherings with people I’ve just met, someone will mispronounce a common word. While I overlook this whenever possible, it is often necessary for me to repeat the word as the conversation progresses.

If I mispronounce it in the same way, I risk others thinking I, too, am ignorant of the proper pronunciation. If I pronounce it correctly, I worry that I might come across as attempting to correct the other party, or even worse, embarrass/offend them. What is the proper way to handle this situation?

GENTLE READER: If you are required to reiterate the mispronounced word, do so correctly. This gives the person who got it wrong the pleasure of thinking that you have erred. But Miss Manners cautions you to avoid emphasizing it more than the other words -- or making any pointed or undue eye contact with its mangler.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

If Black Tie Is 'Invited,' Does It Get a Plus-One?

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 14th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a wedding is at 5:30 p.m. at a resort destination, and the invitation states “Black tie invited,” is a sport coat and tie or a dark suit acceptable?

GENTLE READER: To whom?

The wording of the invitation suggests that Miss Manners and you are not the only ones who are confused about the dress code. Having itself been invited, does the formal attire need to respond to the host separately about whether it will be attending? And can the black tie wear a guest of its own choosing?

You yourself may wear a dark suit (though not a sport coat), on the assumption that the host intended to say that black tie was not required.

life

Miss Manners for September 14, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | September 14th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I live across country from where we grew up, so we often receive our special occasion gifts from folks back home in the mail. When it comes to our immediate family and loved ones of our own generation (older millennial), we’ll typically respond immediately with a thank-you call, text or Facebook message. For everyone else, though, we send a handwritten thank-you note, which we drop in the mail within a couple of days (though it can take a week to arrive).

Several times, however, we’ve had anxious relatives contact us during the lag before the snail-mail note has arrived to check whether we’ve received the gift. This leaves us feeling like we have been negligent for not using a more rapid means of communication, and then we’re always unsure how or whether to express that our note is already en route. (Selfishly, we want to make sure the relatives don’t just think that we rushed the thank-you note off after they reached out to us, even though I don’t think we’d have necessarily been in the wrong if we’d waited a week to send the note.)

My guess is that this is more a matter of older relatives being uneasy about online purchases than it is about etiquette, but it is still leading to a lot of confusion.

Should we be erring on the side of sending both a quick confirmation and a more formal note? If so, how much should we be writing in our initial text or email? We don’t want to say so much that a real note seems redundant, but also don’t want to even temporarily give the impression that we’re only going to be sending a quick, informal message.

GENTLE READER: Dearly as she loves a good thank-you letter, Miss Manners does not require that you send two for the same present. Write your thanks as you have until now. If a relative asks whether the present arrived, say it did, expressing enthusiasm and gratitude. Then ask if they have received your letter of thanks yet, voicing concern about the mail service, as you sent it some time ago.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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