DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I find ourselves in the challenging position of being caregivers to elderly parents -- on both his side of the family and mine, and in different locations.

Of course, we are glad to be able to repay some of the kindness that our parents showed us when we were dependent on them. We are indeed grateful that we still have our loved ones in our lives and mentally alert, though physically disabled.

However, their growing needs have necessitated that we change some of our habits and priorities for the time being. As a result, invitations to social events and requests for help with long-term volunteer commitments must often be declined.

We are not angry at anyone. We just need to be free to respond to elder needs as they come up. People are becoming upset with us, though, and refusing to accept our polite “no, thank you” without detailed explanations.

When we do give in and briefly explain why our schedule does not allow us to make these commitments, we are sharply scolded. We are told that we should be so grateful to have our parents with us, and that the questioner only wishes he or she had our problems.

I am not complaining. I am not resentful. It is a private matter, and I did not want to talk about it at all! Watching loved ones’ health fail and seeing them become needy and depressed is sad enough without facing multiple lectures on what a terrible person I am as I try to do the right thing. Is there a pleasant way to shut down this automatic response to our personal issues?

GENTLE READER: No doubt your would-be hosts make the argument that you have to think of yourselves. Miss Manners can understand how grating it must be for people to urge you to be selfish instead of respecting you for admirably doing the right thing.

So please forgive her for making a minor point that might seem similar.

Of course you must decline making commitments to do volunteer work now. When you say that you do not have the time available, you are under no obligation to explain why.

But there should be a way to work in some social activity on your terms. If your parents are lucky enough to have friends in their lives, you will understand how important that is. As annoying as the friends you mention seem to be, surely there are some you want to keep.

So while you may not be able to accept invitations, you could issue some, if only to meet for coffee, just to keep in touch. Your parents and in-laws might enjoy meeting them, if it is feasible to introduce them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was out with friends last night and a lovely man was being very sociable and buying drinks past my capacity. Today I feel very unwell, and I’m wondering what my obligation is to drink a drink that I didn’t ask for or consent to, but is already paid for.

GENTLE READER: Do you have any idea how horrified Miss Manners is at the notion that politeness requires you to down an unwanted drink because it has been paid for? She is beside herself thinking of all the trouble you could get into that way.

Please memorize this sentence: “It’s very kind of you, but no, thanks.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My stepfather’s grandson’s wedding is black-tie optional, and my stepfather’s children are renting him a tux. My mom, who is 90, thought she would wear a nice pants outfit with a dressy jacket, and is resistant to buying something new. She has been through a lot this year (treatment for lymphoma, cancer surgery, and she recently fell and broke her pelvis, so she is in a lot of pain).

I and my three sisters (my mom’s only children) live on the opposite coast, but we are now being pressured by the mother of the groom (my stepfather’s daughter) and my stepfather to see that she is outfitted appropriately -- not just for the wedding, but also for the rehearsal dinner (cocktail attire) and the wedding breakfast to be held the day after the wedding.

They have also expressed concerns about the shoes my mother prefers (very safe, comfortable, but not at all dressy). My sister even heard my stepfather tell her that if she doesn’t get something new to wear, she can stay home and not attend the wedding or other events.

My mother doesn’t stand up for herself, unfortunately. Two of us will be traveling to see her soon, and plan to take her shopping. My sister is even purchasing a few things for my mom that she will bring with her, in the hopes that maybe something will fit and work for this event.

Personally, I think it is extremely superficial of them to dictate what she wears (especially since the wedding is six months from now!). If it were me, I would just be thrilled they are both well enough to attend, regardless of how they are dressed.

Is my mother wrong to resist the request to buy something more formal? Or should the step-family back off?

GENTLE READER: What happened to the “optional” part?

While Miss Manners always advocates dressing properly for the occasion -- and generally abhors “optional,” as it just invites chaos -- the particulars of your mother’s dress seem to be unduly fixated upon here. There is certainly a lot of undue angst being put into this poor woman’s wardrobe that seemingly requires three separate outfits and uncomfortable, possibly dangerous, shoes.

If your mother can reasonably be jollied into the shopping expedition or accepts one of your sister’s choices for one new outfit, fine. But if not, please talk to your stepfather about “backing off.” Surely this cannot really be worth all of this fuss.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend from college is in my city visiting, and he’s posting a constant stream of pictures of the trip. I’m hurt that he didn’t contact me to meet up. We lived together for a number of years post-college.

Should I reach out and say, “I see you’re in town, so let’s meet up”?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, Miss Manners finds that in this age of social media being a replacement for actual social contact, this may have been your friend’s way of telling you he was in town. And if it was not, your treating it as such assumes the best and gives him a graceful way to apologize and correct the oversight. Infinitely preferable -- on both sides -- to “why didn’t you call me?!”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are both doctors (myself an M.D., he a Ph.D.). Often when we receive wedding invitations, the RSVP card has a line that starts with “M” and then a blank, presumably to write your name, followed by the space to accept or decline.

I never know what to do. It seems wrong to write “Mr. and Mrs.” especially if the invitations were addressed to “Drs.,” but nor do I want to seem pretentious writing “Drs.” over it. I truly panic every time this happens! Help!

GENTLE READER: It is always interesting to see what makes other people squeamish. As an M.D., you are no doubt familiar with the phenomenon. Miss Manners herself has no qualms about crossing out a stray letter in the interest of correcting a careless form.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My new home happens to have a perfect spot for bonfires in the backyard. I mentioned to an acquaintance that I’m eager to host a summertime barbecue and bonfire, and indicated that guests would be welcome to bring their families. I assumed that roasting marshmallows around a bonfire would be fun for the children, and would save the parents the trouble of finding child care.

This particular acquaintance has two young daughters, ages 3 and 4. She responded by commenting that I would, of course, childproof my home in preparation for the event, and asked exactly how I would keep the children from the fire: Was I planning on a fence, or would there be supervision?

Actually, aside from the obvious, like ensuring that bleach and knives were out of the reach of the little ones, I hadn’t really planned on any childproofing, and have to admit that I had the expectation that any parents bringing children would take responsibility for watching them.

She does bring up a valid point: I have invited guests to bring their children, and therefore, it follows that I have an obligation to accommodate these young guests. On the other hand, I’m not running a day care.

I’ve clearly indicated the nature of the event to my guests, and believe that they may judge for themselves whether the event is appropriate or not for their young ones. It’s not unreasonable for me to expect them to assume that my childless home will not be fully childproofed, is it?

GENTLE READER: Your assumption is not unreasonable, although Miss Manners suspects your acquaintance would disagree. Unless childproofing appeals to you as a design aesthetic for your new home, your problem is not how to dispose of every conceivably dangerous temptation to small hands, but how to dispose of an already-invited guest.

The solution is to gently confirm her fears by agreeing that perhaps she is right that this is not a good event for children since there are so many things that you will not be able to childproof completely. It would be rude to rescind an invitation, once given, but your apologetic concern for her children can only be appreciated.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)