DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find myself stunned at most people’s table manners. For example: breaking bread/rolls and buttering each bite, using a thumb to push food onto a fork, correct utensil usage (using a place spoon for soup), cutting up an entire entree salad at once, serving coffee after dessert, leaving napkins on the table at end of a meal, passing salt and pepper together, etc.

I never say anything, but just wonder if the etiquette rules I was taught, and followed in a very upper-level hospitality position, have been canceled.

GENTLE READER: It is never a good idea to monitor other people’s table manners, and not only because you are apt to spill something all over yourself while you do so.

Miss Manners notices that you are already agitated, because you have mixed up what should and what should not be done, and thrown in some general rules.

Just to clarify:

Bread and rolls should be broken into small pieces and buttered individually; thumbs should not be used as pushers; the so-called place spoon is a medium-sized oval spoon that can be used (as the teaspoon should not be) for soup or dessert; napkins should be put to the left of the plate at the end of the meal, and salt and pepper should be passed together.

That people violate these and other basic rules does not mean that they have been canceled, any more than a rising burglary rate demonstrates that the law now permits it. So no, the Etiquette Council did not say, “Oh, go ahead, plough in with your hands, who cares?”

But it did resolve to refrain from watching.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a wedding by a family who chooses to have no other contact with me. With the invitation came a bridal registry, most items being chances to finance aspects of the couple’s overseas honeymoon. I added up some of the other small choices on the registry, wrote a check for that amount and sent it with regrets that I wouldn’t be able to attend the wedding.

The check went uncashed for six months. Then I received a thank-you card with my check enclosed, thanking me for my good wishes, but with the suggestion that I donate this money to a charity of my choice. I chose not to respond to the couple in any way. Your response?

GENTLE READER: Well, we can rule out the possibility that these people were insulted by being offered money. Miss Manners despairs of thinking that such delicacy still exists. Certainly not among people who blatantly asked their guests to pay their wedding bills.

Returning a present to its donor is also a traditional insult, although that, too, seems to be forgotten by those who ask their benefactors to try harder to please them.

In this case, it does seem that an insult was intended, which makes it all the more odd that the family should have broken the estrangement by inviting you to the wedding. You were generous to send a present at all, but perhaps they thought you hadn’t given enough money. Miss Manners agrees with you that they seem the right sort of people from whom it is wise to be estranged.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A relative of mine has developed a habit of forwarding personal emails to anyone he feels might be interested in the updates offered.

I haven’t seen any that include secrets, but receiving emails that are not addressed to me and don’t include a request that he forward them to me makes me very uncomfortable.

I also feel fairly certain he must be forwarding emails I send him to other people. How can I politely but firmly ask that he keep my emails to himself and stop forwarding those of others to me?

GENTLE READER: Start using the telephone instead. If this is not an option, Miss Manners suggests that the next time your relative forwards you someone else’s email, you return it, saying, “Oh dear. I am afraid you must have hit ‘forward’ instead of ‘reply,’ and that this was not intended for me.”

If he insists that it was, you could tell him firmly, but politely, that when you write to him, you are doing so under the auspices of keeping it between you -- and that you would hate to have to start censoring yourself. The fear of losing out on juicy gossip might curb this man’s impulse to continue spreading it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We had our friends and their young son come visit us from out of state. We, too, have a young child, and had a great time hanging with them.

We’ve recently finished a six-month renovation on our home and that, coupled with the fact that we’re in general a very clean family, led me to do some light cleaning when I had downtime during their stay. Their son was messy, as I completely understand all kids are -- spitting up on the floor, dropping food, putting remote controls in his mouth, etc.

While his parents tried to track him down and clean where they could, I thought it would be seen as helpful that I would help clean up around them so they could keep their son happy and also relax if possible. I’d do things like wiping down the counter or quickly vacuuming food crumbs.

Do you think this was inappropriate behavior -- that I should’ve waited to let them clean, or done it when they left a couple days later? I hope I didn’t come off as rude. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That while your intentions may be good, your actions are likely coming across as at least brusque, if not rude.

Would you be able to relax if someone were continually wiping up behind you? Miss Manners thinks not. The message that this constant tidying sends -- whether intentional or not -- is that the baby is an imposition. Unless there is a major spill or accident, try to restrain yourself from cleaning until your guests leave -- or at least have gone to bed. Whichever comes first.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was happy to see my boyfriend get dressed up for my friend’s wedding. But when we sat down to eat, he threw his tie over his shoulder so that it wouldn’t hang down towards the food. I thought this took away from the effect of his nice outfit. Another friend said that he does this, too, to keep his tie clean. Should I get my boyfriend a tie clip for his birthday?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners assumes the gentleman does not take off his shirt while eating, even though ketchup stains on a white dress shirt are more noticeable than soup on a tie. She can think of at least three alternatives to the clip or the shoulder toss, including a more refined manner of eating, a more heavily patterned tie -- or the number of a good dry-cleaner.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an excellent relationship with my next-door neighbor, and we frequently lend one another tools and gardening equipment. When I was working on my gutters and had completed the task, but had not yet put away my ladder, my neighbor asked to borrow it.

Ordinarily I think nothing of lending him my tools, and am happy to do so. However, my ladder has a “light duty” rating and my neighbor is, to put it in medical terms, morbidly obese. Knowing how much I weigh, I can do the math and easily calculate that his weight is significantly higher than the ladder is rated for.

As I was at a loss as to how to gracefully decline his request, I ended up letting him use it, but I cringed the entire time, thinking that I might be responsible for potential catastrophe if he broke my ladder. Or that he might stress/damage it in a way that would cause future problems, perhaps leading to failure during my own use.

The fact that I was enabling a very unsafe situation has bothered me. Since it is surely rude to draw attention to someone’s obesity, and also rude to deny the use of something to a friendly neighbor with a long history of mutual lending, how should I have handled this situation?

GENTLE READER: You would not lend your neighbor a defective or dangerous tool, and that is your way out. Squint just enough not to notice your neighbor’s weight and you will discover that that is the situation you are describing. “Oh, this old thing?” Miss Manners would have replied. “I know I still use it, but it’s so flimsy that I really don’t feel right having anyone else on it.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Occasionally I receive business correspondence where the sender simply signs his/her name. A few of my clients are foreign, and I am unable to discern whether they are male or female. How do I respectfully address them in my return letter?

GENTLE READER: This was a more challenging problem in the pre-internet days, when companies did not post their employees’ titles, pictures, biographies and favorite water sports on their corporate websites. But assuming that photographs are either not provided or not definitive in answering your question, there is always the telephone. Miss Manners suggests calling someone other than your correspondent so that you can ask your question directly. It will be a familiar question if addressed to the assistant of a boss with a non-gender-specific name.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)