life

Accept That Friend Might Not Always Want to Talk

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 22nd, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend and I usually talk three to four times a week or more, but she only ever calls me or answers the phone if she’s driving from work, driving on errands -- DRIVING anywhere, frankly -- or if she is walking her dog.

She never picks up the phone otherwise, especially after 6 p.m., unless she is outside driving somewhere. I text her that I called and it says that she read it, but she won’t call back.

I know everyone is busy, I know people have things to do, but I know (for sure) that all she does at home after 6 p.m. is watch TV and relax.

I don’t have a specific time limit when she calls me. If I’m at home, it doesn’t matter if it’s 11 p.m., I’ll pick up. It’s normal for people to talk if they are relaxing at home.

I feel stupid even feeling this way, but I just feel like it always has to be her way. I’m not sure if I should talk to her about it; I’m not good at confrontation. Am I dumb for thinking this isn’t fair or that it’s odd? Should I confront her about it? And if I confront her, what should I say?

GENTLE READER: With what, exactly, do you want to confront her? Confirmation that she does not find you relaxing?

Miss Manners feels certain that such a conversation would be far more discomforting than simply accepting the fact that your friend prefers certain times of day to talk on the telephone. If you object to her doing so while distracted with something else, then do not answer. Or ask if she can call you back at a better time. Or make arrangements to see her in person. Just probably not after 6 p.m.

life

Miss Manners for June 22, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 22nd, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I saved for a while to purchase what I thought was the perfect housewarming gift for my sister-in-law. She had mentioned very, very often before moving that she desperately needed water glasses. She had very few left and they were all different sizes and shapes.

My gift was a set of 12 tall water glasses. As soon as she received them, she called me and left a voicemail saying “Thanks, they’re beautiful, but I have no use for them.” She’d already bought some.

She suggested they be returned, by me, for store credit, or perhaps I should just keep them as I would also be moving soon. I suggested that she give them to my daughter, which she did. I was very hurt by her terse rejection of my gift... Am I being over-sensitive?

GENTLE READER: She probably thought she was doing you some kind of favor by letting you know that your efforts to please her had failed.

All that she had to do was to thank you and then return the glasses herself, or pass them on -- while making sure that you did not catch her doing so. Instead, she passed the additional burden to you, which Miss Manners agrees was rude.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Personal News Should Remain Private

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 20th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you ask people not to post other people’s private information on social media?

When my sister died, a distant relative inadvertently learned of it and posted the news on social media before my sister’s children could be notified, with heart-wrenching consequences. When my mother was hospitalized with a serious illness, she asked that only immediate family know the particulars. Again, a distant relative learned of the details, posting daily until discovered. Finally, when Mom died, someone overheard news of her death and posted on social media before immediate family could be told.

GENTLE READER: English speakers are particularly bad at compound nouns, a fact Miss Manners once demonstrated with the oxymoron “industrial park,” but for which she will now substitute “social media.”

It is not that social media is neither media nor social -- it is decidedly both -- but that in the race to use it as a platform for self-promotion, posters forget the manners applicable to both.

Personal news is best delivered by those closest to the person being notified. Others do so at their peril, a fact to which the military has long been sensitive. You would not casually tell someone terrible news at a party. And newspapers go to some trouble to consult relatives before publishing obituaries. Social media is not the place to post other people’s sensitive news.

You may now consider everyone told. Miss Manners hopes you will find someone else capable of enforcing this ban.

life

Miss Manners for June 20, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 20th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am searching for the proper response when an apology is offered after I have been wronged. I ended up saying “It’s OK,” but then it occurred to me that, no, it’s not OK.

A pizza place messed up my order, and I didn’t discover their error until I got home. And because I live outside of their delivery area, my only recourse was to drive a considerable distance to pick up the correct pizza and return home. They corrected their error and said, “We’re sorry for the mix-up.”

I don’t believe my tone or attitude was inappropriate, and I appreciate their remorse, but is there an appropriate response to their apology that conveys that this was a pretty big inconvenience for me? “Apology accepted” seems a little formal.

GENTLE READER: Accepting an apology with cold formality is an excellent way to display your insincerity, if that is all you want.

But the restaurant already acknowledged both its mistake and your inconvenience by showing remorse.

If you want a more demonstrative acknowledgment on their part, Miss Manners urges you not to be so quick to solve a problem of their making. Driving back a considerable distance was not your only recourse. Had you called before doing so, there would have been an opportunity for the restaurant to make an exception to their delivery area. And a complaint to the boss can still underscore the level of your dissatisfaction.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Drop the ‘Doctor’ When Off Duty

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 18th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been a physician for 40 years. When introducing myself in social/business situations, I introduce myself as Zachary Welch. I have been told I should introduce myself as Dr. Welch.

I feel this is somewhat pretentious. My brother does not introduce himself as Attorney Trevor Welch.

GENTLE READER: Over those 40 years, how many times have you hoped to enjoy a relaxing social evening, only to be asked to examine someone’s rash, to give advice about the condition of someone’s relative you haven’t seen, or to listen to a rant about other doctors or health costs?

Do your advisers assume that you want to encourage more of that sort of thing?

Miss Manners realizes that we live in times when people are constantly touting themselves, and the distinction between work and social life is all but obliterated. Yet you do not have to live like that.

The rule against using a title for oneself -- whether it is doctor, duke, Mr. or Mrs. -- when it is not a professional necessity has not been repealed. Should you not feel the need to brag or to drum up business when you are off duty, you should follow it.

life

Miss Manners for June 18, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 18th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I invited nine people for dinner, and I furnished and prepared the meal. Several of the guests sent me some form of thank-you. Hooray! What is puzzling me is that the respondents thanked me for hosting the event. In my mind, “hosting” does not convey a reflection of my effort and expense. I could have “hosted” a potluck dinner. Am I just out of step on this phraseology?

GENTLE READER: In Miss Manners’ mind, “host” is not a verb, but we will let that pass.

Your guests were thanking you for your hospitality, which includes providing the food and the expense. (At a potluck dinner, the host’s functions are split among the guests, rather than belonging exclusively to the person in whose house it is held.) Miss Manners is sorry that you did not receive the ecstatic testimonials you were expecting, but they were not required.

life

Miss Manners for June 18, 2017

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | June 18th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 60-year-old husband of 38 years has been asked to be a groomsman -- one of seven -- for our 35-year-old part-time employee of 15 years. At what point during the reception will his responsibilities to the corresponding bridesmaid be fulfilled? I know I will want to spend some time with him on the dance floor.

GENTLE READER: Being a groomsman does not constitute being on a blind date with a bridesmaid. Miss Manners assures you that you will get him back.

Very likely, there will be such a person next to him during the recessional, and it is even possible that the wedding party may be asked to dance with one another once by way of encouraging general dancing. It would be gracious for him to mix a bit with the other guests, but it would be equally gracious for you to join him in doing so.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Next up: More trusted advice from...

  • Environmentally Smart Gardening
  • Gardening by Design
  • Small but Mighty Bulbs
  • 7 Day Menu Planner for May 22, 2022
  • 7 Day Menu Planner for May 15, 2022
  • 7 Day Menu Planner for May 08, 2022
  • The Gift of a Garden
  • Imagine Taking AP Tests on Christmas Day
  • Dealing With Grief Around Mother's Day
UExpressLifeParentingHomePetsHealthAstrologyOdditiesA-Z
AboutContactSubmissionsTerms of ServicePrivacy Policy
©2022 Andrews McMeel Universal