DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a letter from a friend soliciting donations for a co-worker of hers whose stepmother had died. There was nothing in the letter indicating what the money was needed for, or if it would go to a charity -- only a reference to a funding website created by the family of the deceased. As far as I know, the family is not needy, and all the children are grown and supporting themselves.

I know families solicit donations for charity in memory of the deceased or to help out if the deceased had dependents, but I’ve never heard of a situation like this. Am I just clueless or is this a typical request?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, many people now think of friendship as a pay-as-they-go proposition. Every step of life -- birth, birthdays, graduations, engagement, marriage and the birth cycle again -- seems to require a payment. Not a thoughtful, symbolic present chosen to please that specific person, mind you, but a simple payment.

And yes, Miss Manners regrets to say that many have added death as a fundraising opportunity. It began with the reasonable notion of avoiding a surfeit of flowers by suggesting a charitable donation to a cause connected with the deceased’s interests or illness. To this was added the kindness of collecting money in cases where the bereavement was a severe financial blow.

But now it seems to be turning into an automatic assumption that the bereaved need to be paid. Miss Manners would think that solvent people would be offended at the idea that money is some sort of compensation for a death.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Next month, I am hosting a graduation party for my stepdaughter. Her mother has felt the need to invite several of her friends to the party without asking me. When I asked my stepdaughter if she wanted them there, she said, “They might bring money.”

First, I am appalled at her attitude that a graduation party is a money grab and I told her you would be, too. Second, how do I approach her mother to say that if she wants to invite her friends, then she should throw a party and not expect me to foot the bill?

GENTLE READER: Yes, Miss Manners is as appalled as you that your stepdaughter regards her graduation party as an opportunity to shake down as many people as possible. But apparently you are not innocent, either, of calculating social obligations in terms of money.

Personally, Miss Manners believes that the guest lists of graduation parties should consist of graduates and their friends. But yours seems to be for adult friends of the parents, and you seem already to have included your stepdaughter’s mother, in which case she should be able to have her friends.

You could have asked her to be a hostess and, as such, to discuss with you what each of you is willing to spend on the party. If it is too late for that, your calculating the cost of what a reasonable number of the mother’s friends might eat is as grubby as your stepdaughter’s matching that against the amount of the take they might bring.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at a restaurant with friends, and we were served by a waiter who spoke my native language. We had a quick conversational aside in our language, just a friendly exchange.

As a rule, I never have conversations in my native language in front of people who don’t understand it because it’s rude. But in this case, because of the way the conversation with the waiter came about, it just felt like a friendly gesture between two people who were surprised and happy to learn they had something in common. In doing this, was I rude to my friends?

GENTLE READER: No. If you were worried that they felt left out -- or thought they were missing out on international trade agreements -- you could have briefly translated afterwards or just given them the general idea. In the future, however, Miss Manners will not betray you if you choose to omit any “untranslatable” juicier bits.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A request for donations showed up on my social media feed, asking for money for a “friend’s” son to be able to go to Disneyland.

I think this type of request is highly inappropriate and somewhat annoying. I would understand if the child had some sort of serious illness and it was presented as a wish. However, the child in question is perfectly healthy and does not have any sort of disability.

What are your thoughts on this? Is it OK to ask random online acquaintances for donations to fund one’s vacation?

GENTLE READER: It is not even OK to ask for this from very close relatives. However, the distance of your relationship, and the fact that posting the request on social media has the added advantage of being impersonal, allows you simply to ignore it. Miss Manners only asks that you try not to take out your annoyance on the child, who may not have had anything to do with it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a social event at my children’s school, I was standing and talking with a parent I know, when another parent I have met before walked up, greeted the parent I was speaking with and continued talking with her without even acknowledging me. I felt very uncomfortable. This is not the first time this has happened. How does one handle a situation like this?

GENTLE READER: By politely intervening on your own behalf. At an appropriate pause in conversation, firmly stick out a hand and say, “I do believe we have already met, but I just wanted to reintroduce myself. There are so many people at these events, it is sometimes hard to keep track.”

Miss Manners suggests that you practice this sentence and gesture to make sure that it has the right amount of firmness -- without seeming petulant or punitive. She is sorry to say that it sounds as if you will have ample opportunity.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are having a debate at work: Is it rude to eat from the second layer of chocolates before the first is all gone?

GENTLE READER: This is an archaeological question, the answer to which will depend on the delicacy of the upper strata, the amount of effort required to excavate, and the urgency with which you need to decamp before local inhabitants or law enforcement -- or the people behind you in line -- become threatening.

Miss Manners urges you to resist the temptation to dig if access to the second layer will require more than cursory adjusting of food destined for other people, and certainly if it may damage such food. Deftly and discreetly lifting out a plastic tray to make a selection may be acceptable; hovering over the chocolates, or turning them over for inspection, is not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The venue for our son’s wedding will not hold all the guests that he, his fiance, and his parents want to invite. We believe the nuptial pair should have priority and choose the invitees.

How should we parents communicate with friends and relatives we cannot invite: phone or write them to explain/apologize prior to the nuptials, inform them afterwards, or stay mum?

GENTLE READER: Was the choice of venue beyond the control of yourself, your son, his fiance and the fiance’s parents? Miss Manners asks because, assuming someone in that group chose the location, the only possible explanation is that the venue was more important than the guests.

This is not comforting to the person who was not invited. An apology would have the same problem, with the added benefit that you might also find yourself blaming a current or future family member for the hurtful choice.

Your newly expanded family may face thornier problems in the future, but solving this problem jointly is a good place to begin to act in concert. Invite the people whom the couple and immediate family jointly consider indispensable, ideally because they are your most intimate friends and family.

You can then apologize to everyone else, using the excuse that the couple opted for a small, intimate ceremony. The reason, stated or implied, should be that the couple was being understandably romantic, not that they were counting the silverware. To those who wish to accuse Miss Manners of proposing that your son begin his new life based on a lie, she answers that she hopes his new life will begin on a basis of consideration for others.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one go about changing a future daughter-in-law’s atrocious table manners? My son is embarrassed by her manners but does not know what to do.

GENTLE READER: As he is about to get married, your son had better start learning. Changing the behavior of a loved one requires tact, patience -- and a willingness to accept that some behaviors cannot be changed. But something as basic as table manners deserves a frank, tactful, private conversation between the couple. Atrocious table manners, left unchecked, do not become more endearing with time.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)