DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father is very ill and will not be with us for too much longer.

One of his daughters is estranged from the family and has been for about 20 years. This was by her own doing, and despite overtures from us -- and even her ex-husband admitting that he stirred up the trouble between her and the family -- she has chosen to keep her distance.

Even knowing how sick he is now, she has not reached out to make contact. That is fine; while it hurt my father very much, he has accepted it and never mentions her.

My sister and I, who are responsible for helping our mother with arrangements, wonder whether or not to list her, her daughter and her grandson as survivors in the obituary. Most etiquette guidelines I've found approach the topic from the point of view of the family estranging the child and not the other way around. This daughter is from my father's first marriage, so my sister and I are trying to determine the correct thing to do without worrying our mother.

Of course, we are inclined to leave her out given that she initiated and maintained the estrangement, but we do wonder if there is a point of view that we aren't considering.

GENTLE READER: Yes, unfortunately. The facts.

Despite the estranged nature of the relationship, a relationship nevertheless technically exists. An obituary is a form of journalism, and journalism reflects the truth, not opinions about what should have happened. It does not punish people for bad behavior by erasing them from history.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to address (by introduction and mail) a physician whose license has been permanently revoked?

GENTLE READER: By his or her former preferred honorific -- unless you are the victim of the license's revocation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What verbiage can I use when inviting guests to a party at a restaurant when I want them to pay for their own meals?

GENTLE READER: You have touched upon an issue that does much to create animosity among those who are supposedly friends. Miss Manners hears constantly from people who thought they were being invited to be guests, only to be given a bill.

So please drop that language. You are not inviting people to be your guests, but asking them if they would like to meet you for a meal out.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was trying to explain to my 5-year-old daughter that I would like for her to grow up to be a lady, and her brother, a gentleman. When she asked me what a lady was, however, I struggled to come up with an answer! Can you please tell me what defines a lady and gentleman?

GENTLE READER: Good manners, impeccable poise and a covered bum.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a small department in a medium-sized hospital. My problem and that of the other workers in our department concerns a fellow employee whose table manners are deplorable, not to mention unhealthy in the hospital environment in which we work.

When we eat lunch together, he will pick his teeth with a plastic fork, use his napkin as a handkerchief or loudly clear his throat, all without excusing himself from the table where we are all eating. Today, he helped himself to my lunch using his fingers to tear off a piece of meat without asking permission. We were all horrified.

Please, tell us how to politely inform him of his terrible manners without hurting his feelings. Besides showing a lack of etiquette, his table manners are unsanitary, especially in a hospital setting.

GENTLE READER: His manners are unsanitary in a non-hospital setting as well, which leads Miss Manners to wonder why you choose to continue to eat lunch with him.

Ending joint lunches may be a sacrifice, but it avoids the rudeness of correcting someone else's manners. If your co-worker notices the change and asks, it may then be possible to explain that you have a prejudice from childhood of not sharing your lunch, but you did not want to give offense.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our son and his fiancee are planning a wedding in her hometown. It will be an out-of-town wedding for all of our side of the family and friends, and many of the bride's friends. With hopes of getting a sense in advance (for accommodations and other planning purposes) of how many guests will make the long trip, would it be acceptable to include on the save-the-date notices a line of "Advance RSVPs Welcomed and Appreciated" along with the wedding website address?

I feel that without the RSVP prompt, most guests will just wait for the formal invitation, which will come far too late to reserve rooms and make other important arrangements.

GENTLE READER: While there is a logic to getting answers sooner, Miss Manners fears that it breaks down when asking someone to respond to an invitation that has not actually been extended. She has no objection, however, to simply sending the invitation earlier.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father offered one of my root beers to a guest of my aunt's. Was he right?

Or should he not have offered my stuff since I had nothing to do with the guest? Please help me with this so I can stop being angry when he does this.

GENTLE READER: It is time to have a talk with your father, now that he is of an age where he can understand the consequences of his actions. You must be the adult. And adults do not begrudge using available supplies to offer hospitality to guests.

Miss Manners suggests you explain to him that just as he taught you to respect his feelings and his things, he owes you the same courtesy. You would be happy to share your root beer with your aunt's friend, but he should have asked you first.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is planning to visit his estranged daughter, who is a lesbian, married and now pregnant with twins. My husband's Christian faith is a matter of contention for her, as same-sex marriage is not sanctioned.

Regardless, my husband loves his daughter and wants to avoid being alienated. He has plans to meet with her for a brief visit.

We have not met her wife, who recently gave birth to a son. The last time his daughter visited us, she condemned and swore at her father, so there is a lot of reconciliation that needs to occur.

Is a gift in order for her or the babies, or her partner and son? If so, what would be appropriate?

GENTLE READER: You have kindly provided Miss Manners with a great deal of irrelevant information. And she knows even less than your husband does what would please your stepdaughter.

Why people keep asking Miss Manners to choose presents for people they know but she does not is a mystery. If there were an all-purpose present that would please everyone, everyone would already have it.

But she is going to give this one a try, based on the one legitimate clue you did provide: that there are going to be a lot of infants in this household. So it shouldn't be too great a burden on the imagination to realize that their parents might need help.

Baby equipment times three? A service to relieve them of some chores? Or best of all, a grandfather willing to show loving consideration by pitching in.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I bought an expensive engagement ring for my fiancee. She went to get the band sized and possibly a different style band. She then selected a much larger diamond that costs thousands more, and she knew the price difference. I heard this not from her, but from the salesman who (with her knowledge) phoned me to explain how she loves the new proposed ring and diamond.

Am I right to feel hurt and disrespected?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but what you should really feel is panicked.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother taught me that it is inconsiderate to serve food to guests that someone at the table is not able to eat.

Today there are so many food restrictions, whether from medical necessity, religious laws or personal preference, that it sometimes seems impossible to serve a meal that everyone at the table could eat. What is a hostess's responsibility to provide alternatives to a planned menu to accommodate all guests?

GENTLE READER: Tough as Miss Manners may be, she cannot reasonably ask people to be responsible for doing what you rightly point out is impossible. She dares say that even your gracious mother could not devise such a menu today.

It has therefore become incumbent on hosts to inquire beforehand if their guests have any food restrictions -- and to hope that the guests do not interpret this as an opportunity to register their mere dislikes.

If, among them, they eliminate all the food groups, the best that the host can do is to see to it that all of them have enough for an acceptable and palatable meal, even if they cannot eat everything that is served.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)