DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there any way to inquire politely what sort of milk/cream alternatives are available when the hostess asks whether anyone would like coffee? If skim or soy milk is the only alternative, I would rather forgo coffee altogether. I hate to accept a cup of coffee and then not drink it.

GENTLE READER: What alternative are you seeking? Cognac?

A host or hostess should properly ask how you prefer your coffee when it is offered. Should that not happen, Miss Manners will allow the recipient to make a reasonable request, as long as it is succinct. "With a bit of cream, please, if you have it" is acceptable. Ten descriptive qualifiers with made-up Italian words are not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I truly believe in thank-you notes when you receive a gift. However, I have a problem. How can you be politically correct and polite when writing a thank-you note for a recalled baby gift? I know that I cannot be the only parent who has this problem.

Do I just write a standard thank-you for baby's gift, or let them know that I will be returning the toy and what I plan to replace it with? Or thank them for the lead-infested toy by name?

I do not wish to make the giver feel bad, as it was not their fault.

GENTLE READER: Then maybe do not lead with "lead-infested toy."

Just as you would not mention in your thank-you letter that you subsequently returned a present, Miss Manners sees no need to mention that it was returned on your behalf. If the giver gets wind of the toy's fate and asks about it, you may say, "Yes, we heard, but you were so sweet to think of us. My reaction was that Micah shouldn't be putting that dollhouse in his mouth anyway, but I suppose better safe than sorry."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I invited a couple to a dinner party and requested an RSVP. Despite two follow-up phone calls to determine if they would attend, I got no answer.

As the table had two empty places, I went ahead and invited another couple who responded affirmatively. At less than 24 hours before said party, the first couple finally responded that they would attend.

I replied that unfortunately as I had not heard from them, I assumed they were not coming and invited others. Did I handle this correctly? Should I not have invited the other couple?

GENTLE READER: Evidently, you should not have invited the first couple.

Rather than performing the minimal duty of answering your invitation when it was issued, they allowed you to assume the burden of finding out their intention -- and let you do it twice, without responding.

Miss Manners takes that as a sign that they feel they owe you nothing, and thus are unlikely to trouble themselves to make your party a success, much less to thank you and to reciprocate.

You were prudent to handle the situation as you did. And let us hope that the substitute couple turned out to be more worthy of your hospitality.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you have a suitable answer to those who say to me, an older woman, "You must have been attractive when you were young" or, after looking at an earlier photo, "Is that you?"

GENTLE READER: "And you must have been charming."

"I seem to recall that it was."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some contractors came to my home to do work in my backyard. They were there for just one day.

About halfway through the day, I thought to bring them out some water, as that seemed only decent, especially on a warm day. Is the water enough? Should I have offered the water right away when they arrived? Should I have brought them something else or a bit of light food? I thought of giving them some muffins, but I had made the baked goods several days prior and was afraid they would be stale.

Should contractors who are not working indoors be automatically given leave to use the restrooms of the home? I was at home alone with a young baby, so I admit I was wary about letting strange men inside the house.

My grandfather was a contractor before he retired, and he told us that often such workers are treated poorly or like they don't exist. I want to be better than that, and I should think offering a bit of water is the bare minimum of common courtesy. Please let me know if there is anything else I am missing.

GENTLE READER: While not absolutely denying that there may be rare situations in which a homeowner would be unable to provide onsite bathroom access, Miss Manners nevertheless considers it unkind, if not rude -- as well as highly impractical. She would understand if the resulting lost productivity due to workers having to leave the site and return was included in the bill.

Water on a warm day is an equally basic requirement. However, she is ambivalent about more extensive food service. The contractor and his cohorts are employees. This relieves you of any technical etiquette requirement to provide food as if they were guests. But you may wish to consider whether doing the bare minimum required is a behavior you wish to model for people working on your home.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When you write a sympathy card to someone relating that you were sad to learn that they lost their Mother, is it proper to capitalize Mother? Even though it is not a grammar requirement, I have always thought to do this. We are wondering about this at my work.

GENTLE READER: Given the context, Miss Manners infers that you believe capitalizing increases the deference, importance or respect being accorded to the deceased.

The problem is that she, like the addressee, can only guess at your intention. To be intelligible, conventions must be generally understood. They do change: In an email-driven world, everyone now understands that full capitalization means a raised voice, usually in anger. But if you and your co-workers cannot decide the difference between mother and Mother, it is unlikely that the bereaved will understand.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was a child, almost every gift I got was didactic. Despite the fact that I preferred flying kites to doll play, books to cosmetics or hiking boots to slippers, I was the unhappy recipient of dolls, kiddie makeup, and scratchy dressy clothes that were entirely inappropriate for the activities that I enjoyed most.

The message I got was, "This is what young ladies should like, or should be like," or "This will help you get better grades, make better friends or find better opportunities."

Most of the time, the subtext was also obvious: "This will give ME (the giver) something to boast about."

Mom made me write thank-you notes for this stuff, and I felt like a liar for expressing gratitude I definitely did not feel. It was even more difficult to thank the giver for the spirit, when it was pretty obvious that the giver's spirit extended only to the degree that the cost or fashionability of the gift reflected well on him or her.

I came to hate gift-receiving events such as Christmas or birthdays. I still have a great deal of difficulty receiving gifts, especially surprises.

My husband, bless his heart, always asks if I want something when he is considering a gift, and I know that I will not have to pretend to be thankful for a clumsy guess. I do the same for him.

When giving gifts to others, I generally prefer to give money, which I know will go to something the receiver really wants, whether it is frivolous or necessities, or gets put into a savings account for a big purchase that would be difficult to save for without a bit of help. Verbal thanks or email are fine with me; I just want to know that the gift has gone to the correct hands. Once there, the rest is up to the recipient.

I'm not asking for permission. I do this in full knowledge that the better half of society frowns on such gift-giving, but I do want to point out that the old-fashioned way does not always work. Money can be empowering, not just mercenary.

A gift can so easily become a weapon with which to bludgeon a child's sense of self. In an ideal world, of course, all gifts would be given with the recipient's happiness as the main goal, but long, bitter experience has shown me that that is far from the case.

GENTLE READER: You make a powerful argument for abolishing the ancient custom of exchanging presents. If we are replacing it with the exchange of shopping lists, or the duty to pay others to get through the milestones of life, there doesn't seem to be any point.

The point should be thoughtfulness, and Miss Manners acknowledges that it is in short supply. She doubts that the givers of those clumsy presents intended to propagandize you or to glorify themselves. They merely reached for the standard choice of little girl items, without giving any thought to your particular tastes.

Your mother was right that even the minimal thought of sending you anything needed to be acknowledged. But otherwise, Miss Manners can hardly blame you for opting out of a system that doesn't work. There is no reason to continue such thoughtless payments.

Still, Miss Manners dearly hopes that those who are willing to put in the effort necessary to please others will continue with the ancient and charming custom of exchanging presents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: OK, I'll bite. When are you/were you supposed to wear gloves?

GENTLE READER: Before you get frostbitten.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)