DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was a child, almost every gift I got was didactic. Despite the fact that I preferred flying kites to doll play, books to cosmetics or hiking boots to slippers, I was the unhappy recipient of dolls, kiddie makeup, and scratchy dressy clothes that were entirely inappropriate for the activities that I enjoyed most.

The message I got was, "This is what young ladies should like, or should be like," or "This will help you get better grades, make better friends or find better opportunities."

Most of the time, the subtext was also obvious: "This will give ME (the giver) something to boast about."

Mom made me write thank-you notes for this stuff, and I felt like a liar for expressing gratitude I definitely did not feel. It was even more difficult to thank the giver for the spirit, when it was pretty obvious that the giver's spirit extended only to the degree that the cost or fashionability of the gift reflected well on him or her.

I came to hate gift-receiving events such as Christmas or birthdays. I still have a great deal of difficulty receiving gifts, especially surprises.

My husband, bless his heart, always asks if I want something when he is considering a gift, and I know that I will not have to pretend to be thankful for a clumsy guess. I do the same for him.

When giving gifts to others, I generally prefer to give money, which I know will go to something the receiver really wants, whether it is frivolous or necessities, or gets put into a savings account for a big purchase that would be difficult to save for without a bit of help. Verbal thanks or email are fine with me; I just want to know that the gift has gone to the correct hands. Once there, the rest is up to the recipient.

I'm not asking for permission. I do this in full knowledge that the better half of society frowns on such gift-giving, but I do want to point out that the old-fashioned way does not always work. Money can be empowering, not just mercenary.

A gift can so easily become a weapon with which to bludgeon a child's sense of self. In an ideal world, of course, all gifts would be given with the recipient's happiness as the main goal, but long, bitter experience has shown me that that is far from the case.

GENTLE READER: You make a powerful argument for abolishing the ancient custom of exchanging presents. If we are replacing it with the exchange of shopping lists, or the duty to pay others to get through the milestones of life, there doesn't seem to be any point.

The point should be thoughtfulness, and Miss Manners acknowledges that it is in short supply. She doubts that the givers of those clumsy presents intended to propagandize you or to glorify themselves. They merely reached for the standard choice of little girl items, without giving any thought to your particular tastes.

Your mother was right that even the minimal thought of sending you anything needed to be acknowledged. But otherwise, Miss Manners can hardly blame you for opting out of a system that doesn't work. There is no reason to continue such thoughtless payments.

Still, Miss Manners dearly hopes that those who are willing to put in the effort necessary to please others will continue with the ancient and charming custom of exchanging presents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: OK, I'll bite. When are you/were you supposed to wear gloves?

GENTLE READER: Before you get frostbitten.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am not a drinker; I do not drink beer, wine or any form of alcohol. Yet I do like to socialize with friends, co-workers and family, and they will always order a drink (but, thankfully, not get drunk).

We are not always in a place where I can just order a cup of coffee, and I really don't like soda either, so I am wondering if there is an adult equivalent of ordering a "Shirley Temple," so I can blend in without looking like the one teetotaler in the bunch. Help!

(And just so you know -- no, I have never been a drinker. My non-drinking is not a result of any 12-step program. It is just my choice. So, no lectures from me while others imbibe.)

GENTLE READER: Are you asking Miss Manners for drink recommendations? Or just trying to fend off the "Aw, come on" lectures?

She finds that many can be fooled by water or juice and a well-placed citrus wedge. She also finds that asking for the "virgin" version of better-known cocktails is popular shorthand among bartenders.

But surely there must be more to this socializing than discussing what people do or do not drink. So if the request is overheard by the parties you are trying to fool, you need only say, "That's what I prefer."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a retired widower and am planning a dream European vacation. I offered to pay the way for my married son and my married daughter to go with me since they cannot afford it, and I don't want to go alone.

I have not offered to pay for my son-in-law or daughter-in-law; therefore, they will not be going. I think this is acceptable since it is my money and I can invite whomever I wish.

My friend, however, thinks I should pay for them as well or not invite my son and daughter. I am not wealthy, and I cannot afford to pay for five people.

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, you lost Miss Manners' sympathy when you stated, "It's my money and I can invite whomever I wish."

Had you posed the same conflict to your children, the same result might have been achieved, but with better diplomacy: "I would love to have everyone on the trip, but unfortunately find myself unable to finance it. Do you think that Hamish and Brenda would want to come, too? And if so, let's see if we can figure out a way" garners more sympathy than, "Tough luck for them; it's my money."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What's the best response when you're wished "Safe travel" or told to "Have a good time"? I presume "Thanks" checks the box, but is there something better?

GENTLE READER: Well, there is "I'll miss you terribly and think of you day and night," but not a lot of occasions to use it. At least not without either overexciting or alarming people who only voiced a simple pleasantry.

Therefore, Miss Manners warns you that there are times when it is safer just to check the "Thanks" box.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the importance of thank-you notes?

GENTLE READER: What is the importance of generosity? What is the importance of kindness?

Miss Manners supposes that in a world in which there were no presents, favors, good deeds or thoughtful words, there would be no need for serious expressions of thanks. She just wouldn't want to live there.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attend church services nearly every Sunday at a small neighborhood church, where almost all the attendees know each other across many dimensions of life, not just religion/worship.

Because the number of seats is usually less than the number of attendees, people tend to arrive early. Before services begin, there is an active buzz of conversation, about yesterday's ballgame, politics, who is the host for tomorrow's book club meeting ...

I find this inappropriate, as if attendees at a dinner party in someone's home paid the host no attention until the meal was served. My "example" of quietly reading the day's Bible passages has had no effect.

Is mine an old fuddy-duddy attitude? If not, what might be a reasonable approach to changing things?

GENTLE READER: Different faiths -- even different worship groups within the same faith -- practice different etiquette in regard to nonreligious discussions at church, synagogue or mosque. There are, however, common threads.

Nearly all religions treat the place of worship as a holy site, literally the divine home. But services are also generally a communal activity -- joint worship is a means to cement societal bonds. So Miss Manners cannot join you in condemning ordinary sociability, which most congregations see as strengthening their community.

The comparison to a dinner party, though lighthearted, is therefore on point in many respects. While nonreligious conversation is acceptable, participants should be respectful of the host and mindful of the location. This means some topics are more acceptable than others, and jokes about the religious fervor of one's devotion to the local sports team should be off-limits.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am attending the (first) wedding of an old friend. The couple is registered at traditional sites.

I'd like to do something less boring than cutlery or towels. These guys are in their 40s and have a reasonable household established. It's OK for me to choose my own gift, right?

GENTLE READER: What a radical idea -- that you, as a friend, would put some thought into giving them something that might please them!

Does anyone but Miss Manners remember that that is not only the real tradition, but also the entire justification for the custom of exchanging presents?

By all means, do so. Let us hope that your friends and others will appreciate this and take it up as a novelty among those who otherwise merely exchange shopping lists.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why would a lady -- or a gentleman, for that matter -- be obliged to answer any personal question?

GENTLE READER: They are not obliged. So the real question is why they feel obliged to answer. Miss Manners supposes it is because they need a polite alternative response, which is, "Oh, I'm afraid that's a personal matter."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)