DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there any way politely to turn down what I call a "trap" invitation like this?

"We would love for you to come for lunch (dinner, etc.) with us. Let us know which of the following dates you are free: (e.g.) the 12th, 13th, 15th, 16th, 17th, 24th, 25th."

To decline, the recipient is forced to lie or sound rude.

GENTLE READER: To lie or to be rude -- you are not alone in believing that such is the only choice when you are asked to do something you do not want to do.

Sadly, people who reject both of these responses are left believing that the only alternative is to cave to others' wishes.

The problem is with the rigid definition of lying. Outside of courtrooms, the standard of "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth" is not necessary. It is possible to decline an invitation graciously without giving any excuse ("Oh, I would have loved to, but I'm afraid I can't") or one that is so vague as to be meaningless ("You are so kind to ask, but unfortunately we are busy then").

Pedants may argue that these are lies: You would not really have loved to comply, and you are not actually all that busy. They fail to understand that these are conventional phrases, not meant to be taken literally. It is as if you would be condemned for saying "Good morning" when it is raining.

Usually, repeating these statements at each offer eventually makes the asker give up. But as you have noted, some people persist. In that case, you must expand the reply into a blanket excuse: "I'm so sorry, but this is a rather busy time for me. Thank you for thinking of me, though."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an adult woman and have a professional career. I am extremely small-chested. Wearing a bra does not provide me with "support," nor is support needed.

I wear one anyway, because my mother taught me that it is indecent for a woman to go without. Even underneath demure clothing, it can be possible for others to see that the outline of straps is not present, or worse, notice that perhaps a woman is cold. According to Mom, this would lead observers to determine that the woman was of poor moral character.

When I explained to my husband that this is the only reason I bother to wear brassieres, he laughed and said that my mother was wrong. He does not believe it would be a breach of social norms to forgo a bra that is there only to prove its own existence (provided that my dress or top is not sheer or too tight).

I would love for him to be right, but I am not convinced he is the expert he thinks he is on this subject. Can you please provide guidance?

GENTLE READER: Interfering between a husband and wife on the subject of the lady's underclothes is not in Miss Manners' job description. She would rather attack those people who stare at a demure bodice closely enough to see what is underneath, and blatantly enough to make the wearer realize that they are doing so.

But in the interest of marital peace, she will whisper: So wear an undershirt.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've started getting text messages from acquaintances, co-workers and even clients that say, "Call me please." This isn't because I am unavailable, or that they have tried calling but I haven't answered; they simply want to talk to me about something. Perhaps it's just me, but I find this irritating.

If they want to talk to me, they should call me, and if I'm not available, they can leave a message and I will happily call them back. Am I wrong to be turned off by this relatively benign demand?

GENTLE READER: No. Miss Manners concurs. At best, this request is, as you noted, redundant. At worst, insulting, as it assumes that you are not familiar with the primary function of a cellular telephone.

This particular message also has the added annoyance of making it sound as if there is an emergency where there is none. Miss Manners recommends that next time this happens, you text back, "Oh no! Is my phone not working?" or "OK, I will" and take your time in doing so. This might confuse them, but will certainly amuse you. And may just also drive home your point.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son's mother-in-law has started signing and addressing herself as his mom with her last name initial. I am his mother, and I feel this is inappropriate.

GENTLE READER: Then stop reading his mail.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My future loving spouse and I have limited our wedding invitations. In fact, my own mother was declined in her request to extend invitations to 15 relatives.

However, a close co-worker to my spouse has requested that he bring a third person. This would be an easy request to decline, except for his polygamous lifestyle. He has a legal spouse and a concubine in what he calls an open marriage.

We are accepting of alternative lifestyles, and understand the difficulty of having to select between wife and concubine. We feel it would be politically incorrect to not accept the third family member.

But it will be hard to explain to my mother why she could not extend invitations for family members while being able to (in her view) "allow a cheating adulterous man to witness our sacred marriage vows."

GENTLE READER: Never mind that you are eschewing relatives in favor of co-workers. Miss Manners has stated repeatedly that relatives should always take precedence over work relationships, and that mothers should certainly be allowed to reasonably invite theirs.

But you did say that this gentleman was close. Unfortunately (for your mother, mostly), as you surmised, it is a dangerous precedent to set that you can dictate the terms of a spousal relationship. (Although it seems to Miss Manners that since this man has already publicly declared that one of these women is his legal wife and one his concubine, he has already made that distinction himself.)

But if this man is indeed close, perhaps you can explain the problem and say that the guest list is already so limited that even your mother has had to make hard choices.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have started using a website that enables travelers to rent private homes directly from the owners. I enjoy staying in someone's house much more than in a hotel.

However, I am not 100 percent clear on the etiquette differences between this versus a hotel or the private house of friend. I do know (or guess, rather) that a hostess gift is not needed; however, as I would in a private house of a friend, I do strip the bed prior to departing. Are there any specific rules Miss Manners recommends for travelers using such services?

GENTLE READER: With limited exceptions, good hotel manners are sufficient. Note, however, that Miss Manners' idea of good hotel manners includes not stealing the unused toiletries, rearranging the furniture or scratching the end tables.

The differences will be for any reasonable requests made by the renter and clearly necessary to the functioning of the arrangement. This can include taking one's trash out, cleaning the dishes one uses and admitting the maid, but should not extend to repairing the plumbing. Stripping the bed is polite although not required.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We were at a high-end, but small, group cocktail party. One of the guests promptly sat down on the sofa, poured himself another glass of wine and kicked off his shoes. I viewed this as inappropriate but couldn't find an etiquette rule.

GENTLE READER: It is difficult for Miss Manners to think of a form of entertaining that occurs around meal time -- but without providing either sustenance or a place to sit down -- as a formal event, no matter the price tags on the dresses. To her mind, a high-end cocktail party is either a tea or a dinner party.

She therefore empathizes with the guest who prefers sitting to looking over the shoulder of his current conversation partner in hopes of finding a better one.

Removing one's shoes, however, is a step too far. Written etiquette is light on the subject because until relatively recently, it seemed obvious that guests were expected to keep their clothes on, an assumption that began to erode when hosts started asking guests to leave their shoes at the door.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know it is rude to ask someone how much they make for a living. However, someone asked me the other day: Why is this question rude?

I couldn't quite explain. Could you please explain it for this person ... and for me?

GENTLE READER: You may be disappointed with Miss Manners' answer: Because.

She realizes you were looking for a justification for the rule based in logic. Perhaps, that it risks embarrassing the person being asked. Or that it seems as if you are gauging that person's worth. Or that it may appear to be competitive. Or that it could be an opening to bragging about your own income.

All of these are good reasons not to ask people how much they make for a living. But etiquette is a system of agreed-upon conventions, not always subject to logic. Asking about someone's sex life used to be embarrassing; at least it is still rude.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)