DEAR MISS MANNERS: For my son's upcoming birthday party, we will be inviting his class and baseball team, as well as a few cousins. He has lots of toys already and doesn't really need any more.

I know asking for cash, or any gift for that matter, is tacky, but since it is customary for people to bring gifts, I thought it would be convenient for us and cheaper for the guests to just give him a $5 bill instead of a toy that would not be used. The money would go into his piggy bank.

Not sure how to word this, though, without sounding awful. Please help. I don't want to offend anyone, but it would be cheaper than an unused $20 toy that we don't have room for.

GENTLE READER: It would also be cheaper for you not to have a party at all. After all, your son has probably had a lot of them already.

Miss Manners finds that practicality does not factor heavily into the rite of passage that is celebrating children's birthdays. However, handing over a fiver as a price of admission seems particularly insulting and takes any small pleasure from the guest in choosing a present.

That is why it sounds awful, even to you. When you have too much of something, the kindly thing is to think of giving things to people who don't have such problems.

But return the toys and keep the money if you must. For goodness' sake, just don't ask for an admissions fee up front, or inform your guests of your intentions -- much less your motivation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I used to work at a local farmers market, and one day my boss had me at the front of the stall handing out strawberry samples. One lady I offered a sample to declined, citing an allergy.

In response, I sort of flubbed a quick "Oh, I'm sorry about that," which I regretted saying the moment the words left my mouth. I'm vegetarian, and it always irritates me when people with no experience with vegetarianism pass judgment and sometimes say straight to my face that I must be living less of a life. I'm not "missing" anything, just living differently.

I certainly wouldn't have appreciated it if the words I spoke to that lady had been spoken to me. What could I have said instead?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps you are overthinking this? How long ago did it happen, and do you imagine that the lady is brooding about it?

Presumably you were sorry that you mistakenly offered the lady a strawberry, not that you attacked her lifestyle as inferior.

Miss Manners understands your good intentions and appreciates them, but a simple, "I'm sorry. Perhaps we have something else that you might be able to try" would have sufficed.

She further notes that however noble the justification, there is a difference between choosing to be a vegetarian and being born with an allergy. Miss Manners is not suggesting that anyone apologize for either situation, just that you not confuse them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in an area surrounded by high-achieving families. Nowhere is this more evident than in the behavior of local parents regarding their precious children.

I frequently have to endure conversations in which the guilty parent always manages to work into the conversation the child's straight-A average, her membership in the National Honor Society, her high class rank or the many top schools that are wooing her. This is always done as a sort of aside, e.g., "She's just so social -- I don't know how she manages to keep up her straight-A average!" or "She got a concussion skiing, but, bless her heart, still is getting straight A's in everything and keeping up her required community service hours for the National Honor Society!"

I am growing weary of pretending to be as interested in their son/daughter as they are. What is a polite response that will shut down the conversation before we get into a lengthy conversation about their child's class rank and GPA?

GENTLE READER: In answering your question, Miss Manners will, metaphorically, be putting a weapon into your hand. She therefore feels a need to preface this with some points about its responsible use.

Some show of interest in the banal conversation of others is required by good manners (although strained smiles are not required if your reaction is invisible because the bore is on the other end of a telephone or a computer). And each new person must be allowed to bore you a bit: that you heard the same litany from parents one through five does not, unfortunately, cut into the allowance you must make for parent No. 6.

Once having listened patiently to the initial salvo, however, you have Miss Manners' permission to pursue your own thoughts -- and to hint slightly (not obviously, which would be rude) at distraction by adopting a glassy look and fixed smile, or surreptitiously glancing around, provided you seem to catch yourself and whip back with a guilty smile.

If prodded for a response, you may sheepishly admit that you missed what was said -- with apologies because it is rude to cease to pay attention -- and quickly open another topic before the parent offers to repeat herself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: An acquaintance of mine offered to let me use her cake topper and cake server for my wedding cake. She had gotten married a couple of years before me. We were not invited to her wedding.

My fiance and I are just not able to invite her and her husband to the wedding. We only have a certain amount of room at our reception, and we are trying to save as much money as we can.

Would it be ill-mannered to use the cake topper and cake server, even though she is not invited to the wedding?

GENTLE READER: It will certainly not go unnoticed. Since you will be saving money by not including your acquaintance on the guest list, Miss Manners suggests you find other economies elsewhere than the cake accoutrements.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year, my boyfriend and I attended the wedding of a colleague. At the reception, the bride and groom got into an argument that turned into a brawl. They left the reception separately, and later in the week filed for divorce. They have not reconciled.

Since then, colleagues at work have occasionally asked each other if their wedding gifts were returned. None have been.

When I've been asked, I really didn't know what to say. I think the circumstances are very unfortunate, but I really haven't thought about whether our gift should be returned. I've never been in this situation before. But I have NO intentions of making this an issue with my colleague, who provided a beautiful wedding and didn't expect the unhappy ending.

GENTLE READER: Wait -- what was the argument about?

Of course, it's none of Miss Manners' business, but you can hardly blame her for wondering what got the couple so quickly from vowing to brawling.

Oh, yes, the etiquette question, even though that seems rather tame now.

The technical rule is that presents should be returned if the marriage does not take place. Whether the ceremony itself is enough or the bond should last through the reception could be debated. Miss Manners admires your wisdom in letting it go.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I feel that most rules for etiquette are lost on me.

At times when I answer a question honestly, it comes off as rude or too blunt. For example, when someone asks if I think their outfit looks good on them. I'll say no and explain why I think so.

When I received birthday gifts from co-workers at a small celebration in our office, my boss told me I should write thank-you notes to everyone. I had never heard of a thank-you note before that.

What is the best way to start learning better etiquette?

GENTLE READER: You might study the rules, and you have a great deal of catching up to do. There are a lot of them, and many are very specific. People who have been taught from childhood to dash off letters of thanks have easier lives than those to whom the idea is new.

But Miss Manners strongly suggests that you begin your retraining by learning the underlying principle of manners: that other people have feelings that must be taken into account. You may not always yield to them, but if you do not understand what they are, you are going to keep antagonizing others unintentionally. And that makes for an unpleasant life.

Developing empathy will enable you to figure out why, for example, someone asks how an outfit looks. Perhaps it is an outfit that person is considering buying, or just wearing, and there is time to make another choice. In that case, your actual opinion is probably being solicited.

But more often, the question is actually a plea for reassurance, not a request for aesthetic judgment. And unless there is something that is seriously wrong and correctable, "You look fine" is a tactful and, as meant generally, honest answer.

If you have ever given a present or done a favor, it should not be hard to imagine that acknowledgment of generosity is appreciated.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)