DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in an area surrounded by high-achieving families. Nowhere is this more evident than in the behavior of local parents regarding their precious children.

I frequently have to endure conversations in which the guilty parent always manages to work into the conversation the child's straight-A average, her membership in the National Honor Society, her high class rank or the many top schools that are wooing her. This is always done as a sort of aside, e.g., "She's just so social -- I don't know how she manages to keep up her straight-A average!" or "She got a concussion skiing, but, bless her heart, still is getting straight A's in everything and keeping up her required community service hours for the National Honor Society!"

I am growing weary of pretending to be as interested in their son/daughter as they are. What is a polite response that will shut down the conversation before we get into a lengthy conversation about their child's class rank and GPA?

GENTLE READER: In answering your question, Miss Manners will, metaphorically, be putting a weapon into your hand. She therefore feels a need to preface this with some points about its responsible use.

Some show of interest in the banal conversation of others is required by good manners (although strained smiles are not required if your reaction is invisible because the bore is on the other end of a telephone or a computer). And each new person must be allowed to bore you a bit: that you heard the same litany from parents one through five does not, unfortunately, cut into the allowance you must make for parent No. 6.

Once having listened patiently to the initial salvo, however, you have Miss Manners' permission to pursue your own thoughts -- and to hint slightly (not obviously, which would be rude) at distraction by adopting a glassy look and fixed smile, or surreptitiously glancing around, provided you seem to catch yourself and whip back with a guilty smile.

If prodded for a response, you may sheepishly admit that you missed what was said -- with apologies because it is rude to cease to pay attention -- and quickly open another topic before the parent offers to repeat herself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: An acquaintance of mine offered to let me use her cake topper and cake server for my wedding cake. She had gotten married a couple of years before me. We were not invited to her wedding.

My fiance and I are just not able to invite her and her husband to the wedding. We only have a certain amount of room at our reception, and we are trying to save as much money as we can.

Would it be ill-mannered to use the cake topper and cake server, even though she is not invited to the wedding?

GENTLE READER: It will certainly not go unnoticed. Since you will be saving money by not including your acquaintance on the guest list, Miss Manners suggests you find other economies elsewhere than the cake accoutrements.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year, my boyfriend and I attended the wedding of a colleague. At the reception, the bride and groom got into an argument that turned into a brawl. They left the reception separately, and later in the week filed for divorce. They have not reconciled.

Since then, colleagues at work have occasionally asked each other if their wedding gifts were returned. None have been.

When I've been asked, I really didn't know what to say. I think the circumstances are very unfortunate, but I really haven't thought about whether our gift should be returned. I've never been in this situation before. But I have NO intentions of making this an issue with my colleague, who provided a beautiful wedding and didn't expect the unhappy ending.

GENTLE READER: Wait -- what was the argument about?

Of course, it's none of Miss Manners' business, but you can hardly blame her for wondering what got the couple so quickly from vowing to brawling.

Oh, yes, the etiquette question, even though that seems rather tame now.

The technical rule is that presents should be returned if the marriage does not take place. Whether the ceremony itself is enough or the bond should last through the reception could be debated. Miss Manners admires your wisdom in letting it go.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I feel that most rules for etiquette are lost on me.

At times when I answer a question honestly, it comes off as rude or too blunt. For example, when someone asks if I think their outfit looks good on them. I'll say no and explain why I think so.

When I received birthday gifts from co-workers at a small celebration in our office, my boss told me I should write thank-you notes to everyone. I had never heard of a thank-you note before that.

What is the best way to start learning better etiquette?

GENTLE READER: You might study the rules, and you have a great deal of catching up to do. There are a lot of them, and many are very specific. People who have been taught from childhood to dash off letters of thanks have easier lives than those to whom the idea is new.

But Miss Manners strongly suggests that you begin your retraining by learning the underlying principle of manners: that other people have feelings that must be taken into account. You may not always yield to them, but if you do not understand what they are, you are going to keep antagonizing others unintentionally. And that makes for an unpleasant life.

Developing empathy will enable you to figure out why, for example, someone asks how an outfit looks. Perhaps it is an outfit that person is considering buying, or just wearing, and there is time to make another choice. In that case, your actual opinion is probably being solicited.

But more often, the question is actually a plea for reassurance, not a request for aesthetic judgment. And unless there is something that is seriously wrong and correctable, "You look fine" is a tactful and, as meant generally, honest answer.

If you have ever given a present or done a favor, it should not be hard to imagine that acknowledgment of generosity is appreciated.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one correctly respond to the greeting "Howdy"? Is it to reply "Howdy" back, as in responding to "How do you do?"

GENTLE READER: The origin of the word "Howdy" (with alternate spellings, such as "howedye" or "how d'ee") dates from the 16th century in southern England. As Miss Manners recalls, it was used, as American Southerners do now, to morph the greeting, "How do you do?" into a colloquial contraction.

So yes, "Howdy" requires only a reciprocal "Howdy" -- and perhaps a mirroring of its enthusiasm depending on how deep in the South one finds oneself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While many people choose to eat gluten-free for health reasons, I must eat gluten-free to avoid health issues. While celiac disease affects about one out of every 100, most people do not know how widespread gluten is in a lot of foods.

When we are invited for dinner at friends' homes, my wife or I generally tell the host of our dietary restrictions. However, preparing a gluten-free meal is more difficult than one might imagine. Let's say the host serves steak that was marinated in soy sauce, a salad that has croutons in it and a vegetable that was prepared using flour.

The host was diligently trying to prepare a gluten-free meal, but didn't know it was in soy sauce. She thought the croutons could be pushed aside, not realizing that one crumb can cause diarrhea.

How does one handle this awkward situation? I really don't mind leaving the party hungry, but the embarrassment toward the host can be extremely awkward.

GENTLE READER: Your host should not be paying attention to what you are eating.

If you are making reasonable attempts to eat what is served and graciously don't mind being underfed, then Miss Manners assures you that you are doing all that you can. If pressed, you may say, "I hate to be an annoyance, but you cannot imagine in what foods they hide gluten. Really, I am fine. I had a big meal earlier."

You need not explain what time -- or day -- defines "earlier."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When answering the phone, what is the proper etiquette when unsure of the gender on the other line? Are you to take a guess, or not use the traditional "sir" or "ma'am"?

Also, what do you do when one insults you by calling you the wrong gender on the phone -- either the caller or the recipient?

GENTLE READER: Names are so useful. But if you are unsure of the honorific, try both. As in, "Is Mr. or Ms. Homebody available?" -- and the recipient can choose.

But presumably you are calling a particular person --and if you aren't, Miss Manners wonders if you should be making that call.

If someone mistakes your gender, please ignore it and try not to consider it an insult. If it still bothers you, you can say: "Oh, I'm afraid you've reached the ma'am of the house. If you are looking for the sir, I can leave a message."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)