DEAR MISS MANNERS: How would you expect high school athletes who are recruited by college coaches to respond when a decision is made not to attend their school?

In many cases, these athletes are offered paid visits to the campuses and provided food and housing while there. The coaches and college students that host them at their schools can sometimes spend an entire weekend entertaining them.

When the time comes for the prospect to initiate some communication to let the various coaches know of his/her decision, what is the best etiquette? Do they definitely owe the coaches a response? If nervous about telling someone "no," what would be a good approach?

GENTLE READER: It is now recognized that most aspects of college sports are big business, so it makes sense to apply business etiquette.

When times were flush, corporations were known to woo potential hires instead of plunking the money on the table and demanding service. Miss Manners hopes that employees who were told that "working for us is like joining our family" were not fooled either by the faux personalizing of the professional or the faux foie gras.

Therefore a businesslike letter will do: "I appreciate your interest in me, and thank you for your hospitality. However, I have decided to attend Feynman University because of the excellence of its physics department."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should the birthday boy or girl receive the first piece of cake, or should the guests be served first?

GENTLE READER: If the girl is consolidating her calendar by getting married on her birthday, then Miss Manners will allow her the first slice of cake. Otherwise, the guests come first.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am occasionally invited to "parties" hosted by friends that are really just opportunities to purchase items like makeup, lotions and clothing.

Most of the time, I have no interest in buying anything, as I already have products I like, and I'm trying to avoid clutter and also save money to buy a house.

When my friends invite me, they often say something like, "Come even if you don't buy anything; we'll pamper ourselves and enjoy some girl time!"

Personally, I just don't find these "parties" fun or enjoyable, and I find that I get pressure to buy something, not from my friend, but from the company consultant. But I end up going, just to be polite, although I don't purchase anything. I'd rather not go at all, but I want to be kind to my hostess friends. What is a polite way to decline these invitations?

GENTLE READER: The events you mention rely -- improperly, Miss Manners, notes -- on leveraging personal feelings and relationships to conduct business. The promise of "some girl time" is, as you have discovered, not a genuine social invitation, but part of the sales pitch.

You can decline the invitation without declining the friendship by adding, "I'd love to have some girl time with you. When are you free?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend called to say that she and her husband would be grilling steaks that evening and would like to invite me to join them. I asked what I could bring and we agreed on a salad.

Then she put her husband on the phone. He said that I could reimburse him for my steak when I arrived!

I was so stunned that I simply said, "OK." However, within the hour, I called back and gracefully declined the invitation, saying that I had misjudged how much work I had brought home for the evening.

I did not reveal that I had been insulted ... but I was. It has been my understanding that it is OK for a dinner guest to bring a side dish -- but that it is not acceptable to ask guests for a cash contribution to the main dish!

GENTLE READER: While sharing your horror, Miss Manners cannot say that she is surprised. The time-honored notion that a host is someone who freely offers hospitality, with no more expectation than that of being a guest in turn, has been seriously eroded.

It is years since she was left reeling by a Gentle Reader's report of relatives, including the host's grandmother, being charged for Thanksgiving dinner at his home. It would have been nice to be able to dismiss this as an anomaly or a joke, but it was only the first of dozens of such complaints.

How did this happen?

You yourself have accepted the idea that the guest must contribute to the meal. Miss Manners can understand that a last-minute informal invitation could prompt an offer to participate, and she knows that truly cooperative meals -- where members of a group, for example, or friends or relatives agree to share responsibilities and have a say in the organization -- are a convenience.

But you have also added that a dinner guest, presumably attending a dinner party, should bring at least a side dish. Many people now believe this, and many hosts have come to expect this to the point of issuing instructions. From there it is a small step to contributions in cash.

A Gentle Reader has written the logical next steps:

"I believe that charging for food/service in one's home changes the nature of that hospitality into a business transaction, with all the entitlements of those transactions.

"So, when receiving the bill, not only is a tip in order, but also feedback on the food, service and ambience. Most businesses appreciate that kind of feedback.

"If 'invited' again, I guess my response would be that, for $50-plus, there are a lot of places I'd rather go, where I can order what I like, where it's better prepared, where the service is better and the atmosphere more congenial, so 'No, thanks.'

"People who invite others into their home and charge them surely have hides thick enough to withstand such, um, honesty (or is that spelled h-o-s-t-i-l-i-t-y?)

"I hope this tickled Miss Manners' funny bone and did not add to the vapors that such behavior surely brought on."

This did bring on the vapors, but also a wicked smile at the idea that at the end of the evening, you could merely have tipped your host.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiancee's son will be having an engagement party next month, and she has informed me she does not want me to attend.

I am quite hurt. We have been together for five-plus years; I have supported and treated her like she is my wife already, and she says she loves me completely.

But ... The family of her ex is a source of intense stress to her, and she simply "cannot deal with the stress of (my) being there and near them."

I let it go, while having told her this hurts me, and I feel disrespected for not being present at such an important family event. Am I wrong to be so? Is there clear etiquette for such a situation? We are engaged and she wears the ring. I almost feel a bit shamed by her decision.

GENTLE READER: Does your fiancee plan to invite you to the wedding? Miss Manners means the son's wedding, of course, but now is wondering whether your betrothed intends to invite you to your own. Surely, family stress will be a factor there as well.

When one is affianced, a promise is made that that person will become a future member of the family -- and an ally in its often difficult navigation. Limiting access to it, however, will not make an imperfect family go away, only strain the relationship that is thus far intact.

Miss Manners hopes that you can make that argument gently and persuasively, so that the issue becomes about the interest of your union, rather than an additional emotional pressure on your fiancee.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For the Jewish holidays, our families get together separately, and typically my wife cooks enough brisket for 20 to 30 guests per event, for two or three dinners per year.

While we host Thanksgiving, the dinners for which she prepares the briskets are either at my sister's house or her aunt's. My sister typically reheats and frankly overcooks the brisket, whereas our aunt follows my wife's instructions and it is served to my wife's liking.

My wife has gently suggested to my sister how to prepare or reheat the food, but somehow it gets mishandled more often than not. We don't want to be rude and would never change what we do, but we sure would like the food prepared as intended. Does Miss Manners have any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Swap holidays? Far be it for Miss Manners to challenge your family's traditions, but it seems to her counterintuitive for the host at these events not to be the cook, for exactly the reasons that you have outlined. You cannot admonish a host for not serving food to your wife's liking, whatever its origin.

Well, you could undercook the brisket. But perhaps the mere suggestion that you switch occasions would be enough to jostle your sister's culinary skills: "I hate for you to have the burden of reheating things when you are hosting. I am also afraid that the brisket gets a bit dry during travel. Perhaps this year, I could take over the brisket holiday, and you take Thanksgiving?"

If, however, your sister agrees, you cannot then comment on the state of the inevitably dry turkey.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)