DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend surprised me with a book as a gift. As it happened, I already owned a copy of that book, and had read and enjoyed it.

This book was not a best-seller -- far from it -- and my friend could not have expected that. So I laughed at the coincidence and told him the whole truth.

He looked a little chagrined, so I did my best to soften the blow. I praised the gift lavishly -- it really was an excellent book -- and I praised him for knowing the exact kind of book I would like. But I didn't see any point in owning two copies, so I didn't take it. ("Refused" sounds like such a harsh word!) I left it with him (we were at his house at the time) and recommended he keep it and read it himself, or give it to someone else.

By the way, it was not my birthday or any other special occasion. I wasn't expecting a gift at all. I think he just happened to run across a book that was "right up my alley," so to speak, and decided to buy it for me.

Looking back on it, I wonder if I should have accepted the book. What do you say?

GENTLE READER: That you won't be receiving more gifts from this gentleman any time soon.

Yes, Miss Manners confirms your better instinct, that you should have accepted the book. The "whole truth" in reaction to receiving a gift is rarely necessary. The polite thing to do would have been to thank him profusely for his thoughtfulness, say that you know about how good the book is, and then change the subject.

If he directly asks you if you have read it, then you can confess, but even then, you needn't confess voluntarily to owning a copy. As he did not ask, it is up to your discretion to figure out what to do with the second copy, not his.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When the party for my seventh birthday was planned, my mother cautioned me that since I had not invited everyone in my class, I was not to discuss the party at school. I could see the sense of this.

Now that I'm an adult, however, two different friends have regaled me with plans for future events with no invitation offered.

I have two questions -- is my mother's instruction now outdated? And how should I behave if this happens again?

GENTLE READER: Your mother's instruction is certainly not outdated -- nor is the impeccable child-rearing she did. Miss Manners commends you both.

If your friends tell you about events to which you are not invited, you may say, "That sounds like fun. I hope your guests enjoy it."

Sadly, this lesson has been lost on the generation that posts their parties on social media and then wonders why their friends get insulted. Clearly they do not have mothers as wise as yours.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I took my 5-year-old to the pediatrician for a physical, the child was playing a video game on my phone while waiting for the doctor.

The doctor knocked, came in, said "Hi" with a smile. He looked at my kid and while saying, "Hi, how are you doing?" he took the phone from my kid's hands without asking.

I was offended. I do not think this is appropriate to do to anyone, not even a child. He should have said: "Hey, buddy, we need to pay attention now. Let's leave the game for another time."

I did not say anything because I don't want to strain the patient-doctor relationship and because he is a good doctor. Still, I want to point this out to him so that he minds his manners. My child should not get used to adults being disrespectful toward him.

How should I have communicated my discomfort to the doctor about his behavior without making the next visit awkward?

GENTLE READER: It has been Miss Manners' experience that professionals who spend time around children understand their desire to be treated like adults, but your pediatrician seems instead to have modeled his own manners on those of a child.

Very well. Ask the doctor for the phone, and then show it to your child in front of the pediatrician, saying, "Dylan, the doctor would appreciate it if you would put your phone away so that he can examine you."

A good pediatrician will recognize a parent modeling good behavior. Dylan, who did nothing wrong, will be irritated, but you can explain it to him in the car on the way home.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I feel that when I receive an invitation for dinner at a friend's house, the host should specify upfront whether my boyfriend is included in the invitation. If he is not included, I can accept or decline without consulting my boyfriend or asking the host to include him, which occasionally leads to hurt feelings on my boyfriend's part.

Is it possible to politely ask if I may bring my boyfriend in a way that doesn't put the host on the spot? And is it possible to politely tell someone that I want them to attend solo without hurting their feelings or their partner's feelings? I usually avoid inviting someone who might be offended by my asking them to come solo.

GENTLE READER: The way to ask if you may bring your boyfriend without putting your host on the spot is to decline the invitation.

Miss Manners realizes this is confusing. Explain that while you would love to attend, you have promised to spend the evening with him. Your host may then choose whether to accept your answer or modify the invitation to include your boyfriend.

And the way to entertain half of an established couple is to do so at lunch.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm planning to give a pair of tickets to an event to a friend for his birthday, but don't want him to feel obligated to invite me as his guest to the event. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: If you are asking how to ensure that your friend does not invite you, Miss Manners suggests you tell him that you know how much he will enjoy the event --because you have already seen it.

If your actual question is how to have him invite you without your having to appear to be applying pressure, she suggests you either give the tickets without comment, or select a different present.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In our group of friends, we have two guys that we assume are dating but who aren't confirming anything, even though their affection toward each other is really obvious.

Is it rude if we ask them about their relationship? Or do we just keep quiet and wait until they admit it themselves?

GENTLE READER: Why do you need to know? Especially as they do not feel the need to tell you?

At best, anticipating other people's announcements deprives them of the pleasure of doing so themselves. At worst, wrong guesses cause embarrassment.

Therefore, Miss Manners bans all such questions, including "Are you pregnant?" "Did you get into your first-choice college?" "When are you two getting married?" and "Haven't you found a job yet?" She asks you to be patient; your friends will either tell you, or they will not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a large bookstore, part of a multinational chain. We provide a limited number of chairs, which customers may use to examine their books before, one hopes, buying them.

It is not uncommon for our customers to remove their shoes while they relax in these chairs. I hope I don't have to explain why this disturbs me, my co-workers and, I assume, other customers.

Unfortunately, my employer (that is, the chain, not the management of my store) has what they deem a "Just Say Yes!" philosophy of customer service, and will not be amenable to something as simple as a "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" sign, or the equivalent.

But if I can find a polite but clever and (at least nominally) inoffensive way of suggesting that people keep their shoes on, I do not have much fear of retribution from my immediate supervisors. Anything I say can't reference store policy, or the like. What would you suggest saying?

GENTLE READER: "Watch out for staples and paper clips."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have found websites where I can generate my own thank-you notes (I pick out the card, type the message, etc.), and the website prints the cards with my message and mails it directly to the recipient.

It may start out electronic, but the recipient ends up with a printed card with my personal message, even if it is not in my own handwriting. Do you feel this is still personal enough, or should I stick with the traditional note cards in my own handwriting?

GENTLE READER: As you realize, this is not quite as personal as it would be if you wrote your thanks in your own hand on a piece of paper and mailed it. It doubtless also costs slightly more in both time and money to engage a service. Why people assume they come out ahead by farming out such a simple task, Miss Manners cannot imagine.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to talk at the dinner table?

GENTLE READER: In fact, it is obligatory, if others are present. Dinner is a social ritual, not just a feeding time. Miss Manners considers that the ability to alternate talking and chewing, without ever mixing the two, is one of the basic skills of civilization.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)