DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why is it OK for parents and relatives to give birthday parties, retirement parties, engagement parties and receptions for family members and loved ones, but -- time and time again -- you have said it is never OK for a mother to give a daughter a bridal or baby shower?

What is the difference? I am struggling with this.

GENTLE READER: You have an excellent point. Indeed, the family-generated (or often self-generated) entitlement party, complete with a list of expected tributes, and sometimes even an entrance fee, now dominates what passes for social life.

The conventional ways of marking life's milestones were not always so crude.

For one thing, such celebrations occurred within the context of robust society, at all economic levels. From the simple sharing of supper to the grandest occasions, people exchanged hospitality for no more compelling reason than that they enjoyed one another's company.

Guests did not even have to hand over a bottle of wine at the door as the price of admission. Except for explicitly defined cooperative events, they never brought food. Instead, the expected contribution was to give reciprocal parties. The idea was just getting together to enjoy themselves -- not to celebrate themselves.

This easy, pleasant sociability waned as work routines increasingly encroached on people's time and resources. A pseudo-social life, rationalized as promoting workplace morale and efficiency through forging colleagues into "teams," sprang up. Rather than seeing old friends through their ups and downs, or foraging for new ones, it was just easier to accept as "friends" those who were at hand because the employer had chosen them.

And so the shower and the birthday party became a routine of office life. These were not generated voluntarily by friends out of spontaneous affection, but by co-workers checking off an obligation. In bad economic times, employers stopped sponsoring retirement parties.

No longer able to count on others to make a fuss over their milestones, people resumed throwing their own parties. But now those whom they wanted to honor were not their friends, but themselves or their families.

The patterns most used come from two, hitherto minor, rituals: the children's birthday party, and the wedding or baby shower. Miss Manners doubts that it is a coincidence that both have the giving and opening of presents as a central part of the ritual.

For that reason, birthday parties were limited to children and the occasional major years for adults -- the latter organized by non-relatives, or, if given by the celebrant or that person's family, they were just supposed to treat the guests, not expect the guests to treat them. (The graceful way to avoid the expectation of presents is to refrain from naming the occasion on the invitation, but to save it for a party announcement, so guests can complain that they would have brought something if they had only known.)

As for showers, there was simply that ban you mention against their being given by relatives, let alone requested by the guest of honor, as is sometimes now horrifyingly the case. It was not necessary to have such a ban on weddings, when the presents were sent separately from the event, nor for engagement parties, which were not associated with presents at all, as the announcement of the engagement was supposed to be a surprise.

Miss Manners is not retreating from her condemnation of self-generated showers. Rather, she extends the ban to all pre-announced celebrations to honor oneself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in Florida near the beach. How do I handle a guest who sits on my furniture with suntan oil or a wet swimsuit?

This is our home, not a hotel, and we want to keep our furniture nice. It is amazing how many people actually do this.

GENTLE READER: Yes, but while Miss Manners has a certain sympathy for your situation, she cannot allow you to declare a public preference for furniture over the comfort of your guest. This is what got us into the great Shoe vs. Flooring debacle of this generation -- and you are not going to get Miss Manners to budge on that.

"Oh, let me put a towel down so that you don't get stuck to the seat" would be the polite deterrent. And while perhaps not strictly accurate, it should be enough of an indication of what you're truly protecting for your guest to understand that there is a problem.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to give a standing ovation for a person's birthday party as they enter a room?

GENTLE READER: Did the birthday person just sing an aria?

Standing ovations are reserved for accomplishments. And while reaching a certain age may well be considered one, Miss Manners believes that life achievements -- not the achievement of life -- should be the only cause for such accolades.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I are both women, and we live in a fairly accepting area. However, when we take trips or go to the suburbs, we sometimes run into (subtle or not) rude anti-LGBT behavior; this happens regardless of our level of PDA. We often speak in affectionate terms, hug and hold hands, but rarely kiss in public.

For instance, when we are in restaurants, people sometimes glare at us, ask to change tables, or make side comments to their dining companions about us. One that came up recently was when an older man and woman were seated near us, and the man grumbled, loud enough for me to hear, "I can't believe we have to sit next to them!"

I didn't know whether to ignore him or snap "Likewise!" One of my friends thinks that I should tell people like this that they are rude and that anti-LGBT opinions are on the way out because they are often held by older people.

We have started to talk more noticeably about our marriage and life together, and show more affection, when we run into this rudeness. I know it's not a very mature "comeback," but sometimes I get really tired of pretending to ignore the hostility. It's hard to avoid all conservative areas, since my in-laws live in a red state and can't travel to see us. Do you have any ideas for responding in a classy way?

GENTLE READER: Immature or not, Miss Manners finds your comeback acceptable if quietly stated, rather than snapped -- and better than waging a fruitless debate with bigoted strangers. Also, a lot more fun.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have started wearing a hearing aid, which has raised some new etiquette challenges. I use an app on my phone to control the way the hearing aid processes sound -- for example, adjusting for loud environments or traffic noises.

Talking to others almost always involves changing the settings on my phone. With friends, I usually tell them what I'm doing, but what about in a meeting, when there are, say, eight people in the room?

I don't want to look like one of those people who are checking email when they should be listening, but I need to use the phone to adjust the hearing aid at the start of the meeting. Can I just do this as quickly as possible and put the phone away, or do I need to explain what I'm up to?

GENTLE READER: Be careful about chastising that rude person checking email, as he will angrily tell you that he is waiting for important test results, or news about a dying loved one, or is comforting a depressed friend. Everyone has a medical excuse for everything.

You differ both in having a legitimate one and, of equal interest to Miss Manners, still being concerned that you are not being rude to others. Make your adjustment as the meeting begins -- without explanation -- and then quickly and deliberately put away the phone. Everyone will think, incorrectly, that you were doing the politest thing of all: turning it off so that you can pay attention to the speaker.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am wondering what your take is about the occasional news reader, on air, speaking of President Obama as Mr. Obama. It always seems to me to be a case of disrespect.

GENTLE READER: Actually, "Mr." is a term of respect in America, and one that is used correctly as direct formal address to a president of the United States: "Mr. President."

In setting this precedent, the idea was simple dignity, befitting a republic, in contrast to the grandiose titles of royalty and nobility.

However, even that is not simple enough for many politicians, who may encourage the use of their first names and nicknames. That is going too far for Miss Manners' taste, but she cannot call the term "Mr." disrespectful.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work as a paraprofessional in a classroom. The teacher I work with has been very nasty to me and the other assistant in the classroom. She has been spoken to on many occasions by a supervisor, but continues to be rude.

She is retiring and did not even tell us. We heard it through the grapevine. Are we obligated to give a retirement party, or should we attend if one is planned for her?

GENTLE READER: As you are neither her supervisor nor her friend, you are not obliged to throw a retirement party. But not attending the retirement party of a close professional colleague is a deliberate slight. Miss Manners has no objection to your claiming to be unaware of the news until told officially, but she doubts this will extend all the way to the party.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)