DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are each psychologists. Not infrequently, when new people meet us for the first time in social settings, they say something along the lines of, "Whoa, I better be careful around you ... are you analyzing me?"

We are not the ones who initiate this career talk. I typically try to put them at ease by a lighthearted comment along the lines of, "Oh don't worry, thankfully I'm off the clock right now."

We don't like the feeling of being put on the defensive so soon into a new encounter, nor the assumptions it makes about an intrusive -- rather than a helpful -- intention in our professional work. And so we would appreciate any suggestions about how to approach these comments that seem to stifle, rather than open, a friendly dialogue with new people.

GENTLE READER: Oh, the many times that Miss Manners' own enthusiasm for new acquaintances has been deflated by their saying that they had better "watch their manners" in front of her, rather than engage in actual conversation.

In her case, these tedious quips miss the point entirely: that the biggest breach of etiquette would be to point out bad manners at a social occasion. Just as you would never analyze and assess someone without a formal agreement, Miss Manners saves her behavioral critiques for when she is asked politely in writing.

She encourages you to continue as you have, perhaps adding -- as she has -- that you wouldn't dream of conflating professional assessments with social conversation. You might accompany this reply with a progressively weaker smile if the tactic is pursued.

Unfortunately, every profession is burdened with similar awkward exchanges and demands (doctors are asked medical advice, actors are called upon to act). So on all of our behalves, Miss Manners heartily thanks you for the opportunity to express the limited charm of such remarks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We were just invited, one week before the event, via social media, with no details, to our niece's 3-month-old son's baptism.

We were never contacted about the birth, but saw on social media that she had a son. No other details have been provided, and we never received even so much as a telephone call from her or her parents.

What gift, if any, is appropriate? We are always excited about a new baby no matter what the circumstance, but we are in a bit of a quandary. And, do we reply by social media?

GENTLE READER: You may, but Miss Manners would advise you to contact the parents or the new mother herself to send your best wishes. At that time, you can ask if there is anything the new parents might need, although a present is optional.

Even if you feel affronted -- as well you might -- any real future communication will clearly have to be initiated by you. In this age where communication is universal, but not personal, it is up to the polite few to model good behavior and forge actual connections. Particularly if you want to meet this baby before he is able to send the social media notices himself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a host's obligation to warn a guest when things won't be as the guest expects?

For example, hearing this upon arrival: We were going to get a mattress but we didn't, so here's the floor.

Or: By the way, I didn't tell you that I have three roommates, each of whom has two guests, for the one bathroom we share.

Or: The guest bathroom doesn't work, but feel free to use the one in our bedroom (with the aggressive dog that barks loudly if you walk in there at 3 a.m.).

For one offer, I asked about this beforehand, joking that if they had four kids and eight cats, I'd get a room. But if you are already there, is it rude to suggest you would prefer to stay somewhere else, and how do you do this without giving offense?

GENTLE READER: Hosts who do not provide accessible bathrooms to overnight guests run risks that Miss Manners would rather not contemplate. It is certainly not polite.

A guest may say: "Thank you so much. I completely understand. Rather than inconvenience everyone, we are happy to stay at the hotel down the road." But there is still the risk that the host will take offense. The decision to decamp should therefore be balanced against the severity of the inconvenience.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father just passed away on Wednesday and was buried on Saturday. I was sick all week from the flu and did not attend.

My family is upset and giving me a hard time about it, saying I should have gone and just sat in back away from everyone. I say other than feeling bad, I should not have gone and spread germs to the people attending.

Who is correct, and should sick people attend funerals? What do I say to my family and friends who question why I did not go?

GENTLE READER: There are a number of things that, while perhaps true, you should definitely not say. Being on death's door yourself is an excellent reason not to attend a funeral.

But anything less will be heard, by those looking to criticize, as a variation on, "I didn't feel up to it." Your family and friends will then naturally wonder if there is any time that one actually wants to attend a funeral. Or at least any time when one can publicly admit it. Your only correct response to your family is, "It broke my heart that I wasn't able to go."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a good friend, not best friend, whose husband passed away five years ago. Since then, she has asked me to make contributions to her two favorite cancer charities, one in the spring and the second in the fall. She also wants participation in cancer races and walks.

It is not reciprocal. I have never asked her to donate to my favorite cancer cause because I think you don't ask friends for money more than once for charity, if that. I write my own checks. I think she is taking advantage of the friendship. How can I stop giving her money without damaging the friendship?

GENTLE READER: With the firm but polite statement that you already donate money to a cancer cause. If this does not stop the appeals, Miss Manners would say that the friendship is already damaged.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recollect that you cited only two occasions on which you can wear tiaras -- the opera and visiting with royalty.

Lately the subject has arisen in connection with a guest wearing her tiara to a wedding. Can you enlighten me on this pressing issue?

GENTLE READER: In theory, Miss Manners is all for the return of the tiara. Traditionally, ladies always "dressed" their hair, with jewels or flowers -- hence the surviving term "hairdressing."

So she will overcome her resistance to seeming flexible and add that she is amused and even mildly charmed by ladies who top off evening clothes with those lovely objects that have been neglected for decades. Indeed, she will add that some tiaras can be adapted to be worn below a chignon, to the side of a French twist, or as necklaces.

But even royalty doesn't wear tiaras on all occasions. Never to brunch, for example. And noblesse oblige requires not wearing a headdress that might seem to mimic that of the chief figure. So one may wear a tiara in the presence of a queen, but not an actual crown; and not a tiara in the presence of a bride who might use one to secure her veil.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a uniformed security officer in a high-rise office building lobby. Part of my job is to greet tenants and visitors with, "Hello, how are you today?" or "Have a nice day." At night, I say, "Good night. Drive safe," or a similarly upbeat greeting. I am a people person and love this part of my job.

Am I being rude or intrusive if the people are talking on cellphones or reading texted messages? My boss wants all lobby patrons to know that a security officer is present, and greeting folks is what she told me to do.

GENTLE READER: As a security guard, you are undoubtedly called upon to exercise discretion. Miss Manners supposes that you must be constantly judging whom you need to keep watching and who legitimately belongs there.

Your greetings need not be standardized, either. Some people will welcome a spoken greeting, some may be acknowledged merely with a pleasant nod, and some may notice your presence only when you step forward to usher them out. Your boss asked you to greet people, not to annoy them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a shower invitation to send out, and it states cocktails and light fare. But we are having nonalcoholic beverages and finger foods (hors d'oeuvres). What is the best way to word it so everyone understands?

GENTLE READER: Call them crazy, but everyone thinks that an invitation to cocktails involves -- well, cocktails. And "light fare" is what Miss Manners seeks in an airplane ticket, and she is not referring to the pretzels.

What you are giving sounds like a tea. That is what the invitation should state. And while the same truth-in-advertising rule still applies, tea need not be the only nonalcoholic drink that you serve.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)