DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have moved into a new-to-us home that has a hot tub. Upon receiving an invite to come visit, people comment they will bring their bathing suits for the hot tub.

The hot tub is known of only by looking at the realty listing pictures online. I have replied that we were not planning on using the spa that day.

Should I just continue to repeat this with every person who offers to use our spa? We are not interested in using the tub with others. I imagine that people with swimming pools have a similar issue. Am I handling this politely?

GENTLE READER: Your explanation is polite, but may not be effective. It should be easy enough to answer that, "We're so sorry, but it's not usable today."

Miss Manners realizes that people who feel entitled to make themselves at home in your house may not accept this truthful answer, in which case she authorizes you to add, "We're planning to do some work on it." Pool owners will have more difficulty explaining why a clearly functioning pool is unavailable, and are therefore counseled to invest in a pool cover.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's administrative assistant gave us a beautiful basket full of homemade jellies, jams and cookies. I have saved the jars as we've finished each one. I have no use for these and hate to waste them.

Would it be rude to ask her if she wants them back? Some of them are quite nice, with wooden spoons attached. I assume she does this every year and would appreciate not having to buy new jars, but this is the first year we've known her, and I'm not sure.

I'm worried it would look like we're refusing part of the gift, or that we're expecting her to do it again next year. Should I just donate them to a thrift store instead?

GENTLE READER: Volunteering to return part of a gift does imply the unpleasant possibilities that you suggest. It may even result in unwanted assignments, such as suggestions about how you should be using the jars.

But as Miss Manners trusts that you intend to thank your husband's assistant, there are ways to approach the question. "Thank you so much for the sweets. The jars were so attractive. Do you have to keep replenishing your supply?" You must then wait for an opening such as, "Yes. That's the hardest part because I have to buy hundreds of new jars, and they come from Nova Scotia and can only be purchased in person."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother just lost his baby (stillborn), so should he celebrate Father's Day?

GENTLE READER: Celebrate? As in "Happy Father's Day -- oh, oops"?

Miss Manners can hardly think of anything worse than drawing attention to an occasion that he can associate only with tragedy. But as the society will be plastered with reminders, she would consider it a good day to offer your brother and his family some tactful distraction.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When given devastating news, such as learning that a friend has stage 4 cancer, my first thought is to say, "You will be in my prayers."

But if a friend is not of the same religious beliefs or is an atheist, this is not always appreciated. Is there another way of letting them know this?

GENTLE READER: The strange thing about conventional expressions of sympathy is that they shouldn't seem formulaic -- and yet statements are most apt to be disastrous when they are original.

Right now, the response of being in one's "thoughts and prayers" has become so standard as to strike many people as unthinking and unfeeling. Additionally, there is the religious angle that you raise, although Miss Manners would think that a nonreligious person could appreciate a religious person's seeking the solace in which he or she believes.

Spontaneous responses are apt to be worse. Such typical ones as instructing the person to think positively about a tragic situation, or offering assurances that it is all for the best, have a devastating effect. So does offering unsolicited, amateur advice.

It is best to stick with simple words, along the lines of "I am terribly sorry. I'll be hoping for the best. I hope you know how much I care for you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is attending a junior prom soon. Is a white or red corsage appropriate?

GENTLE READER: Are you into a "language of flowers" system, where some varieties or colors mean "I am dying of passion for you" and others mean "I'm real sorry I broke your lamp"?

Miss Manners is one of the few people on Earth, other than florists, who even know there was such a system, and even she has to look up the specific messages. Fortunately, it is only the young lady's prom date who needs to ponder the choice. Let us hope he had the sense to listen when your daughter told him the color of her dress.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My step-granddaughter is getting married soon, and I planned on wearing a mid-length black and white skirt with a white blouse and a sheer cover-up. She informed me that she did not want anyone wearing white except her. The cover-up is black.

I feel she is way out of her mind. As the grandma, I will be in some of the wedding pictures and I do believe I would blend in. The moms are wearing silver. I already have the skirt and blouse, but I can go look for something else. I would love Miss Manners' opinion.

GENTLE READER: Her first thought was that, indeed, this bride must be out of her mind if she worries about being upstaged by her step-grandmother.

But then Miss Manners remembered that she hasn't seen either of you. Perhaps you would look more striking in a black cover-up than your step-granddaughter will in full wedding regalia.

Technically, ladies attending weddings should not wear white, black or red, although that convention is rarely observed. The real question you should be pondering is whether it is worth annoying the bride over something that can be so easily changed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work at a government agency with an information phone line that I will periodically answer. Sometimes people expect me to give them my name, which I am not comfortable doing. Other than giving a fake name, is there a good way to say to the caller that I will not disclose my name?

GENTLE READER: Why? Are you not prepared to be accountable for the information you are giving them? Miss Manners is confused by your reluctance, or that of any employer who sets such a policy.

You can hardly blame these people, who have likely been put endlessly on hold, for wanting to have a name, or at least a unique code name, associated with the person giving them information. Often they are cut off or must give proof of their source.

Miss Manners defends the right to privacy in personal situations, but advocates transparency in business. Surely a government agency has nothing to hide.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I love Chinese food but have never mastered chopsticks, despite repeated efforts. Whenever I'm dining with friends who are eating with chopsticks, they repeatedly make fun of me for using a fork, making unsuccessful attempts to teach me how to use them.

I was not born in a culture that uses chopsticks, so why is it so necessary that I should master them? My friends always like to demonstrate their skills, but is it improper of me not to use them, or not even try any longer? I enjoy Chinese food a great deal, but don't understand why I must be made to feel awkward for eating it without chopsticks.

GENTLE READER: It appears to Miss Manners that your friends are more interested in showing off their acquired skills than teaching them to you. That you would rather not mangle another culture's practices is not a crime against etiquette.

In fact, there are many examples when adapting another culture's practices is actually incorrect if you are not a native. Bowing to royalty if you are American, for example. Other times, the attempt is appreciated, but context is always important.

If you want to curb the lessons and put off criticism, say, "I would love to learn from you about Chinese customs, but now we're all hungry, and I don't want to embarrass myself. You'll have to forgive me if I choose to use a fork instead."

If it makes you feel any better, the restaurant owners are unlikely to care about your friends' supposed skills and may be laughing heartily at their prowess.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should one attend the funeral service of the parent of a good friend and neighbor if one has never met the deceased?

GENTLE READER: There are two reasons for attending a funeral: Showing respect for the deceased and supporting the bereaved. Although these often overlap, Miss Manners considers that either one should be sufficient motivation for going.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)