DEAR MISS MANNERS: When given devastating news, such as learning that a friend has stage 4 cancer, my first thought is to say, "You will be in my prayers."

But if a friend is not of the same religious beliefs or is an atheist, this is not always appreciated. Is there another way of letting them know this?

GENTLE READER: The strange thing about conventional expressions of sympathy is that they shouldn't seem formulaic -- and yet statements are most apt to be disastrous when they are original.

Right now, the response of being in one's "thoughts and prayers" has become so standard as to strike many people as unthinking and unfeeling. Additionally, there is the religious angle that you raise, although Miss Manners would think that a nonreligious person could appreciate a religious person's seeking the solace in which he or she believes.

Spontaneous responses are apt to be worse. Such typical ones as instructing the person to think positively about a tragic situation, or offering assurances that it is all for the best, have a devastating effect. So does offering unsolicited, amateur advice.

It is best to stick with simple words, along the lines of "I am terribly sorry. I'll be hoping for the best. I hope you know how much I care for you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is attending a junior prom soon. Is a white or red corsage appropriate?

GENTLE READER: Are you into a "language of flowers" system, where some varieties or colors mean "I am dying of passion for you" and others mean "I'm real sorry I broke your lamp"?

Miss Manners is one of the few people on Earth, other than florists, who even know there was such a system, and even she has to look up the specific messages. Fortunately, it is only the young lady's prom date who needs to ponder the choice. Let us hope he had the sense to listen when your daughter told him the color of her dress.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My step-granddaughter is getting married soon, and I planned on wearing a mid-length black and white skirt with a white blouse and a sheer cover-up. She informed me that she did not want anyone wearing white except her. The cover-up is black.

I feel she is way out of her mind. As the grandma, I will be in some of the wedding pictures and I do believe I would blend in. The moms are wearing silver. I already have the skirt and blouse, but I can go look for something else. I would love Miss Manners' opinion.

GENTLE READER: Her first thought was that, indeed, this bride must be out of her mind if she worries about being upstaged by her step-grandmother.

But then Miss Manners remembered that she hasn't seen either of you. Perhaps you would look more striking in a black cover-up than your step-granddaughter will in full wedding regalia.

Technically, ladies attending weddings should not wear white, black or red, although that convention is rarely observed. The real question you should be pondering is whether it is worth annoying the bride over something that can be so easily changed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work at a government agency with an information phone line that I will periodically answer. Sometimes people expect me to give them my name, which I am not comfortable doing. Other than giving a fake name, is there a good way to say to the caller that I will not disclose my name?

GENTLE READER: Why? Are you not prepared to be accountable for the information you are giving them? Miss Manners is confused by your reluctance, or that of any employer who sets such a policy.

You can hardly blame these people, who have likely been put endlessly on hold, for wanting to have a name, or at least a unique code name, associated with the person giving them information. Often they are cut off or must give proof of their source.

Miss Manners defends the right to privacy in personal situations, but advocates transparency in business. Surely a government agency has nothing to hide.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I love Chinese food but have never mastered chopsticks, despite repeated efforts. Whenever I'm dining with friends who are eating with chopsticks, they repeatedly make fun of me for using a fork, making unsuccessful attempts to teach me how to use them.

I was not born in a culture that uses chopsticks, so why is it so necessary that I should master them? My friends always like to demonstrate their skills, but is it improper of me not to use them, or not even try any longer? I enjoy Chinese food a great deal, but don't understand why I must be made to feel awkward for eating it without chopsticks.

GENTLE READER: It appears to Miss Manners that your friends are more interested in showing off their acquired skills than teaching them to you. That you would rather not mangle another culture's practices is not a crime against etiquette.

In fact, there are many examples when adapting another culture's practices is actually incorrect if you are not a native. Bowing to royalty if you are American, for example. Other times, the attempt is appreciated, but context is always important.

If you want to curb the lessons and put off criticism, say, "I would love to learn from you about Chinese customs, but now we're all hungry, and I don't want to embarrass myself. You'll have to forgive me if I choose to use a fork instead."

If it makes you feel any better, the restaurant owners are unlikely to care about your friends' supposed skills and may be laughing heartily at their prowess.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should one attend the funeral service of the parent of a good friend and neighbor if one has never met the deceased?

GENTLE READER: There are two reasons for attending a funeral: Showing respect for the deceased and supporting the bereaved. Although these often overlap, Miss Manners considers that either one should be sufficient motivation for going.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I attended a concert by a very famous singer, everyone was very excited, and as the artist took the stage, the audience rose, cheering and applauding.

Usually by the second song, the audience settles down and takes their seats, but not this particular crowd. By the fourth song, just about everyone was still standing. Shouts of "Down in front!" started coming from the patrons in the rows behind my friend and me, and we immediately sat down.

Problem was, everyone in front of us remained on their feet. We sat for a bit, and then because we couldn't see anything, we rose again, angering the people directly behind me, who started hurling insults and expletives.

I turned around and explained that I couldn't see anything because everyone else remained standing. When I turned back toward the stage, someone behind me called me a fat pig and slapped the back of my head.

I threatened to have them arrested, but I did sit down. My friend, now out of spite, remained standing until everyone in front of us finally settled down when the artist finally did a slow song.

How could I have handled this better?

GENTLE READER: Having not responded to the threat of arrest, the people behind you demonstrated that they were immune to reason. This may be why they did not notice your problem with the people in front of you.

Miss Manners suggests gesturing toward those who are standing and blocking your view, and then getting out of the way and looking out for some official who might intervene, if not arrest them, if things turn more violent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A co-worker recently commented that she doesn't feel she has to say thank you for a treat someone brings to the office if she doesn't partake of it (and yes, I have brought treats to the office).

My feeling is that one says thank you anyway, perhaps adding an addendum, such as, "I'm allergic to/don't like/try to avoid (chocolate, coffee, etc.), but it was nice of you to bring it to work and share it with everybody."

Is saying thank you only for things one consumes a new rule, or have I simply been doing things the wrong way all my life?

GENTLE READER: Explanations as to why a gift is unacceptable, or even harmful, to the recipient should not be confused with politeness.

Miss Manners hopes that your co-worker would, if an unwelcome plate of cookies were handed to her, decline with a simple, "No, thank you." Your co-worker is, however, relieved of any obligation to recognize a gift that is meant for many people, remains out of her reach, and of which she does not partake -- a cake left unattended in the break room, for example.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)