DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper etiquette to wear your jeans tucked in your suede boots in May? I know if I were riding on the back of my fiance's motorcycle, it would be totally appropriate:)! However, I'm just going out with the girls:)!

YOUR SPEEDY REPLY WOULD BE MOST APPRECIATED:)!

GENTLE READER: WHY? ARE THE GIRLS GOING TO LEAVE WITHOUT YOU?:)!

Miss Manners is both amused and befuddled by your question. Is it the tucking in of the jeans that you are afraid will offend? Wearing suede in May? Or somehow the combination?

While unseasonable to wear suede boots in May, it is not the breach of etiquette that is wearing white before Memorial Day (cue the maelstrom of dissent).

The rules of etiquette are not at stake here (unless it is a formal event, but Miss Manners feels pretty certain that it is not), but rather your reputation for fashion sense among your friends. If that is the case, try it and see.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've always agreed with you that it's never proper for prospective recipients of gifts (e.g., engaged couples, high school and college graduates, celebrators of birthdays) to tell others what they want or expect to receive.

As I'm sure you're aware, there is a current trend toward decluttering and minimalism. This has resulted not only in the idea that it's rude to give a gift that wasn't specifically asked for, but also that it's perfectly acceptable to ask the prospective giver for "experiences" instead of things -- e.g., gift certificates for dinner or a spa visit, or cash toward a vacation.

I feel that it's rude in any case to make such requests, but what if the prospective giver asks what you'd like to have? Is it acceptable to answer honestly, or would it be better just to demur, and hope the prospective giver takes a hint?

GENTLE READER: Yes, unfortunately, Miss Manners is all too aware of yet another manifestation of greed in the name of "gift-giving." (And the irony that people are being covetous in order to avoid appearing covetous is not lost on her.)

That it should be considered rude to give a present that was not previously demanded is not only an affront to manners, but also to syntax. What else is a gift, but something that is given willingly?

But as you seem to be the rare creature who understands this, Miss Manners will help you to be both honest and to demur, if the demurring is executed correctly.

Only when asked (preferably repeatedly), a celebrant may say, "Oh, I just have so many things, I'm really just looking to relax a bit after the graduation/birthday/wedding. Do you know any good places?"

If done correctly, this will appear to be merely conversation aimed at gaining expertise. However, smart listeners who are presumably on the alert for present ideas will see that they can facilitate the delivery. And you will have achieved your goal -- without making rude demands.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When it comes to my family members, if I have a question or find something interesting, I'll send an email at that moment, so I don't forget about it later.

Sometimes it's at 11 at night when I know they'll be asleep; sometimes it's at 7 in the morning when I know they'll be getting ready for their day and don't have time. I don't expect them to read it right away, anyway. The messages are never urgent, and if there is ever an emergency, I just call.

One close family member has been emailing me as soon as my email is noticed, with messages saying, "I'm busy, will read later" or, "Can't get to this now, will try to get to it tonight."

I'm just sharing cute pictures of my kids or links to homes I'm looking into. The immediate non-reply is, for some reason, off-putting.

Is the weird vibe a sign that I need to reserve emailing this close family member only when asked to? Is it normal to send the "I'm busy but will get to this when I can" message regarding this type of email?

I'm under the impression that it would just be better to wait until one is able to read the email in full and, even if it's a day or so later, then send a reply. But I might be the odd one out here.

GENTLE READER: Your relative has similar questions, Miss Manners assures you.

Will he or she offend you if there is not an immediate answer? What about other obligations, including not just sleep and breakfast, but attending to any real live people who might be present?

Unrealistic as is the hope of meeting everyone's expectations, your relative should be given credit for trying. If the instant non-response truly bothers you, you might assuage those cares by providing instructions in the subject line of your next email: "Pictures of the house. No reply necessary," or simply, "Cute pix NRN."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My siblings are hosting a milestone event for a parent. I, and one of my siblings, can afford and want to spend the money to make the event special.

The other two siblings are just getting by, paycheck to paycheck, and really don't have discretionary money to spend. How do we politely decline financial help to plan the party when we know the other two cannot afford to pay?

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners has no objection to caviar and champagne, let us agree that it is not the spending of money that will make the event special, but rather the time spent with family and friends.

Then your problem becomes more manageable. The organizing of the event will require participation of all the siblings. Assign the responsibilities in a way that distributes evenly the effort required, but leaves the larger expenditures to those with both discretionary income and discretion. No comparison of who has decided to contribute what need be made.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why must one say "please" with "May I have a glass of water?" It sounds like begging; it is begging. If I said "pretty please," you'd know that was begging.

I've always told my kids, "Don't say 'please,' but always say 'thank you.'" Another child's mom makes them say please, and I say, "Tell her mom that you were not aware you had to beg for water." Of course, they say please, just to get on with it.

When people say "please" to me, I always respond, "You do not need to say please."

"It's polite," they say. It may be polite, but it's still begging. What do you say?

GENTLE READER: That it is a good thing for your children that they have the sense to disobey you about this. You are trying to deny them an extremely simple way to avoid annoying others. "Please" is simply the conventional term for softening requests to indicate that one is not just ordering people around.

But Miss Manners is in total agreement with you that begging, on the part of those who are not in dire need, is abhorrent and unfortunately prevalent in today's society. So, have you forbidden your children to announce what they would like to be given in the way of presents? Have you taught them never to try to solicit funds for luxuries for themselves?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This year, my mother has told us exactly what she wants for Mother's Day, what she wants us to do and what we may not give her.

I think that what to do is our decision, and that gifts (or, more to the point, kind actions) have no meaning if the giver has not chosen to do so and was instead told by the receiver to do as such. We are insecure about this particular difference of opinion.

GENTLE READER: Oh, right: It is not just children who need to understand that asking people to give them things is a form of begging. And if it is hard for parents to teach this to children, it is nigh impossible for children to teach this to parents.

Understanding that peace in the family is a consideration, Miss Manners suggests that you sit down with your mother and tell her that you actually enjoy thinking of ways to please her, and would appreciate some general guidelines of what she likes so that in the future you may do a better job of it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper time frame to send out thank-you notes after a baby shower?

GENTLE READER: You probably expect tender-hearted Miss Manners to do whatever she ethically can to lessen the burden on expectant mothers.

No such luck. The most she will concede is that if the guest of honor is exhausted after the shower, she may wait until the next morning to write the hostess and those who gave her presents. If this is put off any longer, the lady will argue that she doesn't feel well, she has too much to do to get ready for the baby, and then that she is too busy caring for the baby. And her example risks condoning thanklessness in yet another generation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)