DEAR MISS MANNERS: Which is more proper in addressing a mixed couple in a bar or restaurant:

"What can I get you guys to drink?"

"What can I get you folks to drink?"

"What can I get you and your lady friend to drink?"

"What can I get you and your man friend to drink?"

"Does either of you have a drink preference?"

GENTLE READER: The only thing wrong with that last suggestion is the assumption that people go into a bar not caring what they drink.

How about just "What would you like to drink?" with the plural assumed?

Miss Manners fails to understand the dilemma here -- or even the meaning of "mixed couple" -- but feels certain that it cannot be good. The relationship of customers to one another is none of the server's business or concern. It is not likely to affect their drink order.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is beautiful. I'm not saying this to brag; it's simply a fact.

She is just shy of her fifth birthday and loves to dress up. When we go out, it's not unusual for strangers to comment on her looks.

I'm not sure how to respond. I feel awkward saying "thank you," because aside from the genetic component, I feel her looks are entirely a matter of chance, not a result of any action I took.

I also hesitate to emphasize her looks at all. While I certainly don't want her to think she's ugly, I also don't want her growing up thinking being pretty is the highest compliment she can receive.

Is there a polite way to both accept the compliment but also put emphasis on her other more important attributes?

With children this age, I know she's always listening. I want to model good behavior for her, but also to make sure she knows what's really important.

GENTLE READER: A simple "thank you" is all that is required. Miss Manners begs you not to add, "But you should see her brain!"

Redirecting well-meaning compliments from strangers in any meaningful and polite way is a fruitless endeavor. Put the effort to better use by teaching your daughter at home about the importance of education and kindness over appearance. Perhaps it is more than one can reasonably hope, but a lifetime of thoughtful upbringing by her parent should speak more than wayward compliments from strangers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are there etiquette guidelines surrounding sitting or standing when talking with someone who uses a wheelchair?

At a reception, I was introduced to a petite woman who uses a chair, and we had an interesting conversation. But I stand 6 feet 2 and felt uncomfortable towering over her. There was no place nearby for me to sit, and it seemed inappropriate to crouch (so we would be eye-to-eye), because that is what I would do with a child.

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners appreciates your sensitivity, she feels certain that crouching is better than towering over the woman and having both of you shouting and straining your necks.

If you are worried that the lady might take offense, ask her permission first. She might even be able to come up with a solution that is satisfactory for both of you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have opened my own pet-sitting business, and my first meeting with potential clients is nearly always inside their homes. These homes are often professionally cleaned and opulently decorated, but I'm frequently invited inside with a "So sorry about the mess."

There never is the slightest mess, and since it seems bad business to reply with a bluff, "Oh, you should see my place" to a person I'm hoping will trust me in their home with their beloved pets, I'm at a loss for an appropriate and gracious response. What is the most polite response to this "apology"?

GENTLE READER: Transparent as such apologies are, they have become commonplace, and you are, as you rightly recognize, in no position to argue.

Miss Manners presumes that when asked how you are by prospective employers, you neglect to mention the cold you are suffering from, the dog that threw up on your shoes, and the flat tire that you will have to deal with after the interview. She advises you to adopt a similar level of forthrightness in this case, protesting that the house is a marvel.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Five of us formed a performing ensemble and have developed a successful reputation for the group. Two of the members have vocal issues (pitch and tone quality), are not investing the rehearsal time necessary to keep us all moving forward, and are not contributing to the workload of keeping the group organized and prepared for performances and workshops.

Because the group was formed with an agreement to use a basis of consensus, can three of us ask the other two to leave the group so we three can continue to build on the reputation and groundwork we all laid together? Or should we three step away and invest in forming a new group?

GENTLE READER: Without a show of hands, Miss Manners does not know whether you agreed to make group decisions unanimously or by (general) consensus. Since you hold a majority, the latter would be easier than the former, which is not to say that it will be easy.

Whether your group is professional, amateur or something in between, you are giving performances, and it therefore is reasonable to adopt professional manners. The group should meet so that the three more serious members can propose clear, specific -- and more stringent -- guidelines for participation.

If you cannot reach consensus, you still have the less pleasant alternative of disbanding the group and, when advertising the new ensemble, making mention of "former members of" the original group.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I would like to host some friends of ours in the near future. However, there is a problem with our bathroom plumbing, and as a result the bathroom sink does not have hot water.

We cannot afford to get it fixed right now. Is it necessary to get it fixed before we have guests? If not, should we put a sign in the bathroom explaining?

GENTLE READER: What -- that it would be unwise to attempt to take a bath in the sink?

Providing cold water for hand-washing does not strike Miss Manners as a breach of hospitality that calls for warnings.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While watching certain "judge" TV shows, I've noticed that when a plaintiff or defendant is given a tissue, there is NEVER a "thank you" offered to the giver.

It leads me to wonder: Is NOT thanking a person for this small favor considered somehow improper? Please help, as I am indeed befuddled.

GENTLE READER: And as you will continue to be, if you look to television for demonstrations of proper manners.

Miss Manners does not intend this as a simple sneer at the ignorance of etiquette that sprinkles so much drama --not just television, but film, theater and opera -- with misleading cues. That is sadly the fact, but she can rant about that another time.

Even well-done scripted shows should not be taken as exemplifying proper behavior. A function of etiquette in real life is to keep us from being at one another's throats. But what would drama be without conflict? And this especially applies to courtroom drama, which can match -- and exceed -- real courtrooms in emotional tension. The crier on TV may be too distraught to observe niceties, or even generally rude.

Life is different. Should you find yourself breaking down in court, do, please, thank the judge or other official who hands you a tissue.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There is an email discussion group in our community that my wife is a member of. She and I each have our own desk with our own computer sitting on it. At her request, I always turn on my wife's computer in the morning before she gets up.

I've been reading my wife's email on her computer at her desk after I turn it on to scan the group message subject lines and see if there is anything interesting enough to read. My wife got up early one morning and saw me doing this. She didn't know I had a habit of reading her emails in the morning.

She has gotten angry with me and told me to stop reading her email and feels I've crossed the line and invaded her privacy. I feel that I'm not invading her privacy, because the only emails I look at are from the community discussion group. Am I off base?

GENTLE READER: Matrimony is no excuse for peeking into someone else's mail, Miss Manners believes -- as does your wife. So please stop.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance passed away a few days ago. Should I remove my engagement ring immediately? Or wait some period of time?

His family has arranged a large service and celebration of life to be held in two months. Should I wear the ring on that occasion?

GENTLE READER: There is a cadre of busybodies who have the nerve to pose as etiquette experts, telling the bereaved that they are no longer entitled to wear their rings. Besides being cruel, this is inaccurate. Miss Manners reminds you that the ring is yours, to wear whenever you wish.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)