life

Taking Pictures Without Permission Is Rude Party Behavior

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 10th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I think someone once said, "I have plenty of friends I don't particularly like," but I am lucky to have only one.

When invited for dinner or other occasions to people's homes, this friend sends a string of photos, complete with texted descriptions and subtitles, from his cellphone to mine.

"Just look at this house!" he exclaims. "Have you ever seen anything so beautiful?" Then, I receive a series of photos of the exterior, the public and private rooms of the house, and even photos of the hosts themselves!

In a recent episode, it was obvious that the hosts were completely unaware that they were being photographed. This occurred while they were preparing dinner, serving wine and talking to other guests in a large, open-plan kitchen.

I wonder what these hosts might have thought, had they known that pictures were being sent to a person they have never met.

It continued in this fashion for part of the evening. "These people," he stated, referring to the other guests, "are all millionaires!" And this was the subtext of yet another series of photos. "They are so rich, they spend part of the year in Europe!"

He also sent a photo of his new car in the owner's paver-system driveway to somehow validate the point that he was in his element.

It seems to me that there are several etiquette violations taking place, but I don't want to violate Miss Manners' rule that I should avoid pointing them out. I have tried all the obvious ways of discouraging this practice, including simply asking him to stop.

Unfortunately, he is aware that I have unlimited service to send or receive photos and text messages. Blocking is not an option. My plea has fallen on deaf ears. What do you suggest?

GENTLE READER: Not inviting this person to your house -- and deleting all his communications without looking at them or responding.

But yours is not the chief problem Miss Manners sees here. It is those innocent people whose privacy is being invaded by a rude guest who worry her. Even if they consented to being photographed for distribution, commenting on their means would be rude.

If she were not leery of adding to this distasteful gossip mill, she would be tempted to forward the material to the victims without comment, so that they could handle the situation if they chose.

Etiquette & EthicsFriends & Neighbors
life

Even a Wallflower Should Make an Effort to Be Social

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 10th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there any social gathering large enough to render the use of a cellphone, e-reader, or even a printed book or magazine acceptable? I have the interests of the wallflower in mind.

If no one is clamoring to converse with a particular guest (who is, perhaps, accompanying a spouse), might he or she as well settle down for some light reading?

GENTLE READER: Only if the wallflower's hope is to remain a wallflower, and a conspicuous burden to the spouse. And in that case, Miss Manners wonders, why bother going out to social events?

Guests, as well as hosts, are obligated to help make a party work. And a party in which people stood around waiting for others to clamor for their attention would be pretty dismal. Wallflowers should be out gathering other wallflowers in the interest of making a bouquet.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Etiquette & EthicsHolidays & Celebrations
life

Honesty Not Always Best Policy When Asked About Gifts

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 7th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year my best friend, who lives out of town, gave me a kitchen gadget for a birthday gift. I appreciated it, but it was something I didn't want or need and was just taking up space in my kitchen. I eventually got rid of it.

Recently, she spent the night at my home during a weekend visit and wanted to prepare breakfast as a way of thanking me for hosting her. In the middle of cooking, she asked where the gadget was so she could use it.

I came up with some pathetic excuse about leaving it at my mother's house. We all know where liars go, so can you please give me a better answer than the story I came up with?

GENTLE READER: Where? Where do they go? Miss Manners is no theologian, but she believes that it cannot be a place far from the people who use "I'm just being honest" as an excuse to hurt others' feelings.

Blunt honesty is not always the highest moral policy. Besides, saying that you left the item at someone's house isn't necessarily untrue. If you gave it to charity or even threw it away, who knows where it ended up?

If your friend asks again, tell her that you didn't have the heart to take it back. Just don't be shocked if you or your mother receives a replacement. And while it sounds like your friend's inquiry was perfectly innocent (and not meant to be checking up on you), it is generally considered rude to inquire after a present you have been given, just for this reason.

Friends & NeighborsEtiquette & Ethics
life

Turning Down Vacation Invitation Doesn't Need an Excuse

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 7th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A new but good friend invited me to vacation with her at the beach for a low cost. It was just one room, and I warned my friend that I would need time to myself. I am an introvert and my friend is an extrovert.

Well, she never left me alone. She chatted day and night, and, because she was so pushy at getting her way on just about everything, we had a couple of pretty bad arguments.

She mentioned a later vacation, and I said I didn't want to go. She replied, "Good, because maybe you won't be invited."

Today I received a voicemail from her inviting me to go to Jamaica for a week at a low cost. I'd love to go, but just not with her. I also can't afford it, even at the low price. How can I keep her friendship, but tell her no, I don't want to go?

GENTLE READER: Well, you cannot have her pay for the vacation without including her, if that is what you are thinking. That is an even faster way of destroying the friendship than going with her or not going at all.

Forgive Miss Manners for thinking the worst, but you did plant the idea. "I'm so sorry, but I just can't" is what you should say. No excuses are necessary, but if she presses for a reason, you can mention work or it being a bad time, as long as you do not mention money, except to characterize her invitation as extremely generous.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Etiquette & EthicsFriends & Neighbors
life

Humor Is Best Response to 'Friend's' Gibe

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 5th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Ten years ago -- yes, 10 years ago -- my son applied for a job at HotShot University. He did not get it. However, my husband was so sure he would get it that he told a friend about the application, which meant that my husband had to tell the friend later that our son did not get the job.

This friend's wife, who is sort of a "frenemy," has latched onto this information, and every time my son comes up in conversation, she manages to bring it up, saying things like, "Gee, it's a shame he didn't get that job at HotShot he wanted" -- as if everything he has accomplished has been for naught because of that.

I am really tired of this and have started pretending I don't know what she's talking about (did I mention it's been 10 years?), but I think she knows I am faking. What to do?

GENTLE READER: Tempting as it is to fight back -- "You know, it seemed like a disappointment at the time, but only imagine if he had gotten it. He would not have run for Congress, and he wouldn't be president today" -- the best course is to laugh.

Your friend's wife either means to hurt you or she is stunningly thoughtless. In either case, your finding it humorous that she still remembers it after 10 years is not the response she is looking for -- and should therefore discourage further repetitions. Miss Manners trusts that your husband, meanwhile, has learned his lesson several times over.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

Spotting Professional Acquaintance in Public Requires Just Brief Acknowledgment

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 5th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I am at a restaurant and spot a professional acquaintance (and they notice me), is there a "status" to be observed when deciding whether to approach their table or waiting until they approach me?

GENTLE READER: In the days before cellular telephones introduced the notion of total accessibility, the desirability of separating one's personal and professional lives was better understood -- not to mention the days when eating in a restaurant was an occasional, not a daily, occurrence.

One must recognize an acquaintance, but, in the situation you describe, that acknowledgment should be brief. The standing party approaches the sitting party, says a few words and departs. If both parties are sitting, a nod of the head is sufficient.

The salesman or the politician who sees an "opportunity" proceeds without Miss Manners' support. And the boss who thinks he is bestowing a favor by inviting an employee to join his table -- instead of proceeding with his daughter's birthday dinner -- needs to reread his own statements about how family-friendly his company is.

Work & SchoolEtiquette & Ethics
life

Single Only Child Can Include Friend in Funeral Reception Line

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | April 5th, 2016 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to have a girlfriend or boyfriend stand in the reception line at a funeral? I'm an only child and do not want to stand in line alone.

GENTLE READER: While willing fiancees (and fiances) are welcome, in the absence of current or prospective relatives, Miss Manners permits the presence of someone who is bound to be taken as such. You likely can't prevent that, no matter how carefully you observe the polite fiction that he or she is "a close family friend" of you and the deceased.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Etiquette & EthicsDeath

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