DEAR MISS MANNERS: A major source of irritation is telephone callers who do not identify themselves when calling. I was always taught to announce myself -- "Hello, this is (my name). May I please speak to ..."

My husband's grown children are the primary culprits, but when I bring up the subject with my husband, he tells me I am hopelessly old-fashioned.

I am being forbearing on this issue, which leads me to have conversations with unidentified callers for several minutes until I can guess who they are when they finally ask for "Dad."

Should I gently try to remind callers of the correct way to place a phone call, or is my husband correct in thinking me a throwback to a more orderly age?

GENTLE READER: "Old-fashioned" is often used as an effective insult, Miss Manners gathers, although it certainly does not frighten her. Ordinarily, her Gentle Readers who are accused of this, and plaintively ask her if they are guilty, are merely resisting a new form of rudeness.

But superficial circumstances do change, and so did the telephone system. Most people now know from a glance who is calling before they answer (or don't answer) their telephones. True, there may be exceptions, such as land lines that are used by more than one person. Still, the normal expectation is that the telephone itself has already done the job of identification.

So there is really no need for this situation to be the cause of family conflict. If your stepchildren call from numbers that do not give their names, you should merely explain that, and ask them to identify themselves when they do so. And if your telephone does not give identifications, you should point out that it is that, rather than you, which is out of date.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It seems I am one of a handful who thinks pies and cakes are cut differently. Help finish this debate.

GENTLE READER: Why? It's such a refreshing clash of opinions in these contentious times.

But yes, there is a rarely observed difference between attacking pies and cakes, although the objective in each case is to cut wedges.

Pies tend to be sloppier, so a broad-based, triangular-bladed knife is used.

And although that works perfectly well to cut a cake, there also exists a cake-breaker, with long, needle-like tines that would make a mess of pies, but is good for taller, drier cakes. For huge cakes, such as wedding cakes, there is an elongated cake knife, and military bridegrooms can supply swords.

Miss Manners hopes this is sufficiently complicated as to allow the debate to continue. Goodness knows what you might be arguing about if you settled this.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece has asked me for ideas for a baby shower she wants to give for her expecting daughter. I don't know how to respond without hurting her feelings. How can I gently tell her it's not proper for a mother to give a shower for her own daughter?

GENTLE READER: When you find out, please tell Miss Manners. She has been pointing this out for years, and it doesn't seem to help.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband does not enjoy going to parties and being social, especially with a certain group of my friends.

There is a huge 40-year-old birthday bash for a very close friend of mine and her husband. They are going all out. My husband does not want to go and thinks it is disrespectful for me to go to this couples' party without him.

Is he correct? Should I respect his wishes and not attend?

GENTLE READER: Oh, how Miss Manners loves to get into the middle of a domestic quarrel -- but could she please be excused to go freshen her drink?

The only case in which it would be disloyal of you to go to this party without him would be if your husband had legitimate reasons for disliking this group of friends (for instance, if they had deliberately insulted him or you). But if, as you said, he just prefers not to be social and this event is his target of the moment, then it seems to Miss Manners that your husband is being unreasonable.

It probably has crossed your mind, as well as hers, however, that a couple that differs so greatly not only in how they socialize -- or not -- but also about how much control they should have over each other, have more things to work out than their feelings toward one group of friends and their party.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I are wedding photographers who for years have shot weddings of brides and grooms -- men and women -- getting married.

With the recent Supreme Court ruling allowing same-sex couples to marry, we're struggling with what to properly call the "bride and groom," especially in our wedding contract.

We've put just their names in the contract, leaving out the "bride and groom" language. We thought about doing "Bride 1 and Bride 2," or "Groom 1 and Groom 2," but that seems sterile and a bit rude.

I'm leaning toward eliminating all references to gender, just referring to them as a couple, or just their names. But complicating that are some gay couples we've shot who prefer a designation between the two of them.

Everything we shoot for a gay wedding is the same as a heterosexual wedding -- the couple's families, friends, attendants and so forth. The only difference is the sexual orientation of the couple. Any thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Yes. While it lacks convenience for vendors and multi-use contracts, it hardly seems blameworthy that members of any couple might want to distinguish themselves from each other.

Miss Manners is confused as to why the most obvious solution -- using their names -- isn't working. If you have a pro forma contract, just leave blanks for the names to be filled in later and "the client" instead of the possessive throughout.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister had a birthday party for her 5-year-old to which she invited both sides of the immediate family (grandparents, aunts and uncles, and first cousins, as these cousins were around the same age).

Her mother-in-law decided that she wanted a separate party for that side of the family, instead of having her side attend the one my sister already had planned. She then handed my sister an extensive guest list and expected my sister to plan a completely separate event, as well as pay for a second set of food, plates, napkins, etc., for extended family that my sister (and her child) had never even met, and my sister's husband had very little contact with.

Is it just me, or should that have been the mother-in-law's responsibility to plan and pay for a separate party that she wanted?

GENTLE READER? It is not just you. Miss Manners assures you that your sister was under no obligation to take on this additional party. She could have said, when handed the assignment and the unwieldy list of guests, "Oh I'm sorry, but we've already planned a big party. That's lovely of you to want all of these extended family members to celebrate Matilda's birthday. Let's make sure that we plan our parties on separate weekends so as not to overlap."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We just received an invitation for an ice cream social event that asked us to RSVP. For me, this is a no-brainer: Call and say we are going or not going. My husband disagrees, saying we should only tell them if we plan to attend.

Have the "rules" changed and RSVP now means "Respond only if you are going to attend"? Some invitations say "Regrets only," but this one did not. Help!

I'm particularly sensitive to not being rude in today's environment. We were always taught to respond either in writing or on the telephone to any RSVP. Although I've responded the last two years, this discussion only ensued when I tried to delegate the task to my husband.

GENTLE READER: Perhaps you should take it back. He seems to imagine that the Etiquette Council met and decided that it is now all right to snub people whose only crime is to offer to entertain you, and that hosts should be kept guessing about whether or not they can expect guests.

Miss Manners asks you to inform him that such a basic courtesy as responding to invitations will never change. Perhaps what you should do is put him in charge of organizing a gathering, so that he can experience what it is like to be left wondering.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: None of my daughter's varsity tennis teammates will talk to her since she beat them to earn the No. 2 spot. She tries to join their conversations, but they ignore her attempts or say, "It's a private joke."

When one girl said her parent could drive to a tournament, she pointed to three other girls and said they could ride with her, leaving out my daughter. My daughter is ready to quit the team -- and she hasn't even played her first match yet.

GENTLE READER: Among the virtues that school sports are thought to promote is good sportsmanship. Clearly this is not always the case.

But you can teach this to your daughter, under these unpleasant circumstances, by suggesting that she return her teammates' rudeness with friendliness and patience. Perhaps you could initiate an event for the whole team, as a demonstration of inclusiveness.

Miss Manners recommends including the parents in this outreach effort. Being older, they may be more embarrassed at showing any jealousy and can therefore be enlisted in your effort to provide a positive role model. In any case, the coach can and should be informed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Unfortunately, I became aware of very nasty gossip spoken by my sister about my adult daughter. Do I let her know how devastated and hurt we are, or do I ignore it?

Up until this problem, we were fairly close, and she has never said one bad word about my daughter in the past.

GENTLE READER: And perhaps she has not yet. You do not say how you became "aware" of this, but Miss Manners should not have to warn you about the unreliability of transmitted gossip.

In any case, that is what you should assume. Then you can express your outrage to your sister that anyone would think that she would slander her niece.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)