DEAR MISS MANNERS: As I have a long career as a musician and music scholar, I may be asked my opinion of a performance. I reply with a measured response, a statement of approval or a sharp criticism.

However, as an audience member there are occasions when I feel obliged to express criticism of the performance, or of excessive approval exhibited by the audience when I believe their unison response lacks understanding.

Why should it be acceptable to give standing ovations, etc., at the close of passable performances, but not shouts of critique? I only refer to professional concerts, and not school or amateur performers. My wife says I am rude and feels humiliated upon these circumstances. My therapist comments: "Do no harm."

GENTLE READER: Online commerce has conditioned us to the unavoidable running commentary from "unsatisfiedcustomer447" on how the toaster did not work as advertised, but not every interaction with our fellow man is subject to review.

Nevertheless, curtain calls certainly are, and Miss Manners will defend your right to boo as well as to cheer.

But it is not a debate. The person sitting next to you has as much right to express his opinion as you, no matter how ill-informed it may be. Booing your fellow audience members would be impolite, and will, in any case, not be heard over all the "bravos."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an email from a friend announcing that she would be eloping in two weeks.

This seems strange. Doesn't elopement mean stealing away without anyone's knowledge, to tie the knot?

What do social mores call for in such instances? Should I purchase a gift, or should I simply say good luck/best wishes in a return email?

GENTLE READER: Your friend has found a humorous way to distract you from the fact that she is not inviting you or anyone else to her wedding. That she did so without adding gift registry information warms Miss Manners' heart. Send a present if you like, but do write, wishing her well and promising not to tip off her parents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have exchanged birthday cards with a dear friend for 20-plus years. This year she texted and Facebooked, but NO card.

I am greatly offended and hurt. Is this acceptable in this age of technology?

GENTLE READER: To be offended at someone's congratulating you on your birthday in an informal manner? Miss Manners considers that taking insult where none was intended is churlish.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I want to receive only money for my wedding and no gifts, how can I word it?

GENTLE READER: "Stick 'em up"?

Despite their combined efforts, modernity, convenience and plain greed have not succeeded in convincing Miss Manners -- or most gift-givers -- that both the form and substance of a gift are not at the discretion of the giver.

Before you explain, she hastens to add that she would be unmoved by the justification that you are underpaid, you mean to donate the money to charity, and you loathe your friends' taste.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I feel obligated to help my fellow co-workers' kids when a new fundraising catalogue is brought in to support school and events. I, too, am selling items to help raise money to lessen the financial blow for my daughter's dance class tuition, costumes, etc.

However, I can't exactly afford to keep buying things from co-workers who are also selling things. But I feel it'd be rude not to, especially since I am asking them to do the same for me. What would be the proper etiquette for dealing with this?

GENTLE READER: As you have experienced, embarrassment is an important component in this method of raising money. The idea is to use social connections to pressure people into buying things they may not otherwise want, or even that they cannot afford.

Miss Manners is aware of the urgency with which extra sources of money are needed in the school system. But using schoolchildren to cause this embarrassment teaches them a bad lesson. It is different from the old method, when they were expected to provide a service -- typically, car-washing or baking -- that could make them proud of their ability to earn and contribute.

Your situation seems particularly odd, as your buying from those to whom you sell would make all that effort financially futile.

Miss Manners suggests that you work, instead, on devising a dignified way for the children to earn money. Her guess is that organizing them to help adults learn how to use their computers and smartphones would reap a small fortune. You may then, in good conscience, decline to participate in reciprocal, embarrassing buying.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I found out earlier this week that my brother was finally marrying his longtime girlfriend in a state 2,500 miles away. They were holding a "housewarming party" where they were going to also have a "surprise" wedding.

My parents happened to be there, and my mother emailed me the information. Over the last 24 hours, she has sent pictures of the "happy event" and clearly expects a response.

Since he didn't have the courtesy to tell me that he was even getting married, I've been ignoring the texts and emails. I'm appalled that he didn't bother to call/email/text me himself about his pending nuptials. Clearly they have been planning the event for a while.

Do I owe the "happy couple" anything? I can't see that I do, but it seems likely that my mother will expect me to do something.

GENTLE READER: It's your brother. Do you really want to break with him over his not having had a big wedding with advance notice?

Unlike you, Miss Manners does not imagine that this event was long planned. Her guess is that at most, they were having a housewarming party anyway, and decided that they didn't need to plan a different event for their informal wedding ceremony.

But like your mother, Miss Manners expects you to do something. More specifically, she expects you to congratulate your brother and welcome your new sister-in-law. And to drop those quotation marks around their happiness.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a proper monogram to place on a diaper bag? Should it be the mother's or the baby's monogram?

GENTLE READER: Even though the baby has custody over most of its belongings, it is not technically his or her bag. Unless you plan on giving the bag to the baby when you outgrow the need, Miss Manners thinks the monogram should be the parent's.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My younger brother is 14 years old, and several years ago he came out as gay to the family, to some other relatives and to some friends.

He has told us that it's no one else's business unless he makes it their business.

My brother is a 10 out of 10. He gets more than his fair share of attention from both girls and boys. My problem is the girls who come to me and ask if my brother is dating, seeing someone, has a girlfriend, is available or are they his type?

Questions from the boys range from, is it true my brother is gay? Or they tell me they are gay and ask if my brother is gay, seeing someone, has a boyfriend or girlfriend.

My brother has made it clear it's not up to me to out him. I love him and don't want to upset him, but I'm at a loss for answers.

GENTLE READER: But you don't owe them answers. Miss Manners suggests your politely pointing out that you are his sibling, not his social secretary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the polite way to respond when asked if you are attending an event to which you were not invited? For example: An old college friend of mine is getting married this year. A separate mutual friend asked whether I would be attending the bridal shower.

I was not invited to the bridal shower. I am not surprised that I did not receive an invitation since we have not spoken in years. I did not want to respond, "No, I'm not attending because I was not invited" because I am afraid it sounds bitter, which I'm not at all! For future reference, what is the appropriate response?

GENTLE READER: "No, I'm afraid we haven't seen each other for a long time," said pleasantly and with no animosity. If you are genuinely curious about the event and can inquire about it in a similarly unbiased fashion, then Miss Manners will allow you to pursue the subject, but otherwise change it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I cook together in the kitchen, he says it is rude not to say, "Excuse me" and "Would you please move?" every time we cross each other's path or reach near each other. Just today he said it was rude when I reached to put food on his plate without saying, "Excuse me." What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That manners apply to everyone, even to pesky spouses who are in your way. Those who think otherwise are, Miss Manners fears, headed for worse marital problems.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)