DEAR MISS MANNERS: I feel obligated to help my fellow co-workers' kids when a new fundraising catalogue is brought in to support school and events. I, too, am selling items to help raise money to lessen the financial blow for my daughter's dance class tuition, costumes, etc.

However, I can't exactly afford to keep buying things from co-workers who are also selling things. But I feel it'd be rude not to, especially since I am asking them to do the same for me. What would be the proper etiquette for dealing with this?

GENTLE READER: As you have experienced, embarrassment is an important component in this method of raising money. The idea is to use social connections to pressure people into buying things they may not otherwise want, or even that they cannot afford.

Miss Manners is aware of the urgency with which extra sources of money are needed in the school system. But using schoolchildren to cause this embarrassment teaches them a bad lesson. It is different from the old method, when they were expected to provide a service -- typically, car-washing or baking -- that could make them proud of their ability to earn and contribute.

Your situation seems particularly odd, as your buying from those to whom you sell would make all that effort financially futile.

Miss Manners suggests that you work, instead, on devising a dignified way for the children to earn money. Her guess is that organizing them to help adults learn how to use their computers and smartphones would reap a small fortune. You may then, in good conscience, decline to participate in reciprocal, embarrassing buying.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I found out earlier this week that my brother was finally marrying his longtime girlfriend in a state 2,500 miles away. They were holding a "housewarming party" where they were going to also have a "surprise" wedding.

My parents happened to be there, and my mother emailed me the information. Over the last 24 hours, she has sent pictures of the "happy event" and clearly expects a response.

Since he didn't have the courtesy to tell me that he was even getting married, I've been ignoring the texts and emails. I'm appalled that he didn't bother to call/email/text me himself about his pending nuptials. Clearly they have been planning the event for a while.

Do I owe the "happy couple" anything? I can't see that I do, but it seems likely that my mother will expect me to do something.

GENTLE READER: It's your brother. Do you really want to break with him over his not having had a big wedding with advance notice?

Unlike you, Miss Manners does not imagine that this event was long planned. Her guess is that at most, they were having a housewarming party anyway, and decided that they didn't need to plan a different event for their informal wedding ceremony.

But like your mother, Miss Manners expects you to do something. More specifically, she expects you to congratulate your brother and welcome your new sister-in-law. And to drop those quotation marks around their happiness.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a proper monogram to place on a diaper bag? Should it be the mother's or the baby's monogram?

GENTLE READER: Even though the baby has custody over most of its belongings, it is not technically his or her bag. Unless you plan on giving the bag to the baby when you outgrow the need, Miss Manners thinks the monogram should be the parent's.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My younger brother is 14 years old, and several years ago he came out as gay to the family, to some other relatives and to some friends.

He has told us that it's no one else's business unless he makes it their business.

My brother is a 10 out of 10. He gets more than his fair share of attention from both girls and boys. My problem is the girls who come to me and ask if my brother is dating, seeing someone, has a girlfriend, is available or are they his type?

Questions from the boys range from, is it true my brother is gay? Or they tell me they are gay and ask if my brother is gay, seeing someone, has a boyfriend or girlfriend.

My brother has made it clear it's not up to me to out him. I love him and don't want to upset him, but I'm at a loss for answers.

GENTLE READER: But you don't owe them answers. Miss Manners suggests your politely pointing out that you are his sibling, not his social secretary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the polite way to respond when asked if you are attending an event to which you were not invited? For example: An old college friend of mine is getting married this year. A separate mutual friend asked whether I would be attending the bridal shower.

I was not invited to the bridal shower. I am not surprised that I did not receive an invitation since we have not spoken in years. I did not want to respond, "No, I'm not attending because I was not invited" because I am afraid it sounds bitter, which I'm not at all! For future reference, what is the appropriate response?

GENTLE READER: "No, I'm afraid we haven't seen each other for a long time," said pleasantly and with no animosity. If you are genuinely curious about the event and can inquire about it in a similarly unbiased fashion, then Miss Manners will allow you to pursue the subject, but otherwise change it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I cook together in the kitchen, he says it is rude not to say, "Excuse me" and "Would you please move?" every time we cross each other's path or reach near each other. Just today he said it was rude when I reached to put food on his plate without saying, "Excuse me." What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That manners apply to everyone, even to pesky spouses who are in your way. Those who think otherwise are, Miss Manners fears, headed for worse marital problems.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've noticed a trend when paying with cash at restaurants. It used to be that if my meal cost $16.32 and I paid with a $20 bill, I would receive $3.68 back from the server. Last week when I paid a $16.32 bill with a $20 bill, I was given only $3 in change by my server, leaving me 68 cents short.

My friend told me that servers are now doing this to save time in processing cash payments, and so they don't have to carry around a lot of change in their apron pockets.

In a way I can see how this makes sense, but I also feel a bit miffed in getting shortchanged. Each time this has happened, I've found myself wanting to ask the server for my correct change, but then refrained from doing so after thinking it would appear silly or impolite to get into an argument over such a small amount of money.

Is this method of shortchanging customers the new normal that I should graciously accept? If not, what would be the best way for me to address this issue with my server?

GENTLE READER: That a pickpocket finds his profession more convenient than remembering to bring his own wallet is no defense. Servers who cheat you by 68 cents should feel lucky to find their tips reduced only by that amount.

Miss Manners sees nothing embarrassing about asking for your proper change. But you could also ask the server's boss, who probably does not authorize shortchanging the customers, whether such is the restaurant's policy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend of six years and I have been engaged for a year now and are officially tying the knot. Now that we've come to the stage of creating and ordering invitations, we have to address an issue: His family is always late.

There's hardly a punctual person among the bunch. For his cousin's wedding two years ago, the bride and groom lied about the start time of the ceremony on the invitations just to ensure that everyone would be there on time. The invites said it started at 3 p.m., but it didn't actually begin until 4 p.m.

The trick worked, as some family invariably showed up past the 3 p.m. start time, which still made them perfectly on time for the actual 4 p.m. event.

What can my fiance and I do or say (either via the invitations we mail or via in-person conversations) to get these people to show up?

GENTLE READER: Without objecting to your fiance's cousin's solution, Miss Manners questions its long-term effectiveness. Do you plan to pad holiday dinner times as well? You will acquire a reputation for starting everything late, thus encouraging others to adjust their arrival times back even more.

The cocktail hour was invented to solve the problem that, even with good intentions, no group of people all arrive at the same time. By all means, have your fiance speak with your relatives about arriving on time. But assuming you would prefer not to have the punctual relatives drunk before the ceremony, you might leave a few empty pews at the back of the church for late arrivals.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)