DEAR MISS MANNERS -- Thanksgiving Day, 15 for dinner. Everyone wants to bring something, so a "want list" is made and guests sign names to what they will bring.

One guest asks to bring two main vegetable dishes and is told that the dishes are already taken by another guest. She says that she is bringing one of the dishes anyway because her kids (all adult) like it. She asks to bring the other dish and is told no.

This guest is in charge of all the appetizers because they were the only items left -- she waited until the day before Thanksgiving to look at the list. This guest is also notoriously late so I (and I know that it is rude) asked her to come on time because there would be no other food for the guests until dinner.

Ten minutes after she was expected, she called and said that she would be a little late but she was sending her daughter with the appetizers. Her daughter arrived, but with only a few items and was missing crackers and dip for a veggie platter.

An hour and half late, she arrived with the missing appetizers and began to put them out. I asked her not to, because we were preparing food for the table, and she put them away but acted like I had a vendetta against her. The front door opens, and the two dishes that she was requested not to bring were brought in and put on the dining table.

This behavior has happened on and off over the years, but I thought that the sign-up list and telling her no would be adequate.

To top off a ruined holiday meal for me, another guest cornered me in the kitchen after the dinner, telling me that she hoped that she was "not overstepping her boundaries," but that she was worried about my health and my weight, and talked for minutes about getting healthy, buying an exercise bike, etc.

I smiled and responded politely and wondered why these two guests were brought up in barns.

How can you ensure that your guests (relatives) will be respectful of your meal, respectful of the work and planning of a meal, and respectful of me as a hostess? Any hints?

GENTLE READER: If clear instructions don't work, hints are not likely to help. The best solution would be to trade in this crowd for a more reliable set.

Failing that, you should get to know the ones you have. You know that Irma is always late, so you don't trust her with the hors d'oeuvres or anything else essential to the meal. You know that she is going to bring what she wants, regardless of what you say, so you set up a separate little table for them and announce, "Look at all the extra treats Irma brought us!"

You also know that someone is going to tell you how to improve your life -- in every holiday gathering, there is at least one person who does -- so Miss Manners advises you to practice saying, "Do you really think I could hope to become more like you?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I read Miss Manners faithfully each week, and only just now find myself wondering, whom does Miss Manners consult when she is stumped by a gentle reader's question?

GENTLE READER: But this is the first question that has stumped her.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am having a small private wedding. Would it be appropriate to send announcements to everyone else saying it is a private ceremony but let them know that we are registered?

GENTLE READER: Like what? "Your presents, but not your presence, are kindly requested"?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My children attend a public high school where they are two of the eight students in the school who are not African-American. This was pretty much the case in middle school as well, and was never a problem then.

Now, however, the atmosphere seems to be different. They are seldom addressed by their actual names; instead, their fellows call them by monikers having to do with their race. "Whitey" is the most common, and while I don't think it's in the best of taste, my children tell me it is usually said casually and often with affection. My daughter is also assailed with "Snowflake" by some of the young men with whom she is not familiar, which concerns me more.

I could deal with all that, but there exists a minority of students who emphatically do NOT speak with affection. They call my son names such as "cracker," "honkey" and "white boy," all in a context of outright aggression. My son tries to avoid these people, but they do cross paths from time to time.

I have spoken to the principal and asked him to tell the students in question to mind their manners. He replied that the young men had a right to express their grievances against what he called "the ruling classes," and that they were simply using the common vernacular. He said it was a sign of prejudice on my part to judge their "simple speech" as less worthy of serious consideration than what he termed "the vocabulary of the privileged."

He also claimed that I and my children "owe a debt to the black community" because our race oppressed theirs. Therefore we ought to accept any and all recriminations. When I said that that sounded like racial discrimination, he got quite agitated and told me that "racism doesn't work that way."

I have always tried to treat people decently. I am not aware of having oppressed anyone, and my children certainly haven't. I've already reported the principal to his superiors and have yet to get a response. In the meantime, what ought I to do, and how should my children respond to racial taunts?

GENTLE READER: Do not let them tolerate it. Racial discrimination does, in fact, work that way.

The solution to the abomination of racism, historic and current, is not to fight back with taunts when none are provoked -- especially not with innocent children. This does not promote tolerance on any level.

That this principal is condoning and even encouraging this behavior is appalling and calls into question his agenda, his profession and his morals. Tell your children to respond, "I'm sorry, but I would never call you a derogatory name based on race, and I ask that you treat me as you would want to be treated." And continue to report this principal until action is taken.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My former in-laws refuse to call my daughter by the name she chooses -- her middle name, which is a family historical name on my mother's side. The family knows her preference, but insists that they will continue to call her by her childhood nickname, which ends in "y" and is a nickname for her first name.

She is in her 30s and using her middle name in the town where she has relocated. All her friends, colleagues and employers use her middle name.

I say, shouldn't we call a person by the name they choose?

This gets no response except, "Other people can call her whatever, but she will always be (....y)." They sound so firm and united that I am bewildered. I'm not going to get into an argument with anyone, but this seems rude and domineering to me. Of course my daughter is disappointed in them.

GENTLE READER: While you are correct that it is impolite to address someone by a name they do not use, exceptions are made for family members who remember when, in first grade, your daughter demanded that she henceforth be known as Rapunzel. And for teachers of preschool, where all the girls ask to be called Elsa.

If your daughter cannot allow her grandparents this liberty, likely arising from an affectionate association with her childhood nickname, protesting against it should be left to her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for an answering service. Callers don't realize that when they call in the middle of the night.

They think that they are going to speak to someone in the company's office. Often after I say the company's greeting, the caller will ask, "Am I speaking to a real/live person?" They think I am a recording or automated.

What is the correct response to that? Should I just say, "I am not a recording"?

GENTLE READER: Any day now, the recorded messages will be saying that.

Miss Manners understands your frustration, but is even more attuned to that of your callers. You should not take offense at the question, because they genuinely do not know. A greeting as the company's answering service, not the company itself, should help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend's mother paid for her entire family (with spouses and children) to go to a Mexican resort for a week, and she graciously included me (even though she'd never met me).

My boyfriend bought the plane ticket, but she paid for the accommodations and food. I bought a card to thank her with while I was there, but in the flurry of getting back up to speed when I got home (I was moving), I forgot to send her the thank-you note until the window closed without it being awkwardly late.

Now four months have passed, and it's on my mind again. How can I repair the damage?

GENTLE READER: Apologize. And apologize again. Grovel. This will, Miss Manners notes, be more convincing if you take the time to write an effusive handwritten letter rather than relying on a store-bought card that is stained by whatever has been sitting on top of it for the past four months.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)