DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm curious if you have an official stance on the act of soliciting donations for marathons, triathlons, etc.

Can it ever be appropriate? Does throwing a party to fund-raise for the race make it more acceptable?

It's been a lifetime dream of mine to run the Boston Marathon, but the idea of soliciting donations for something I enjoy doing seems ridiculous. Are my only options to either take another year or two (or 10) to run other races and achieve a qualifying time (non-charity runners don't need to donate), or personally save and donate the $5,000 required donation as a charity runner?

GENTLE READER: Ah, the Girl Scout Cookie Problem: love the bonfires and s'mores, not so crazy about working for free, importuning friends and relatives.

If it is any consolation, there is a long and honorable tradition of private individuals raising money for worthy causes. But there is an equally long, if less honorable, tradition of annoying one's friends with constant demands for money.

Which your friends would think you are following depends not -- as is too often assumed -- on the purity of your cause, but on the aggressiveness of your tactics. If you do choose to fund-raise, Miss Manners recommends a dignified and restrained approach.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is turning 12 and wants us, her parents, to redecorate her room, and she also wants to have a birthday party.

I told her she could only get her room redecorated or have a birthday party. She suggested she have a "room decorating party" where she invites her friends, and instead of bringing random gifts, she asks them to bring an item for her room. She would ask them to bring something that relates to their friendship in the color of her room. Is this appropriate?

GENTLE READER: Your daughter is to be commended for quick thinking, if not, in this case, good manners.

Presents are a voluntary offering not properly dictated by the recipient. Miss Manners suggests that your daughter instead apply herself to finding a redecorating solution that does not require dunning either her parents or her friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm allowing children at my wedding reception. However, I have one guest whose child I do not want to come.

How can I ask this one person not to bring their child, when there are plenty of other children in attendance? My reason is that the child has a history of attacking his parents, other children and adults in large group settings. In the last two engagements, the police were called.

GENTLE READER: The police? Is that child attacking people with the wedding cake knife?

Your options are limited. You may choose not to invite children generally. You may choose not to invite the parent -- avoiding the troublesome child along the way. Or you may speak with the guest and say that while you adore the child, you suspect that this would not be an event he would enjoy.

The third option does not, Miss Manners points out, guarantee the outcome you want. But separating parents from their children against their will requires more force than etiquette provides.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We accepted an invitation for a week's vacation without cost in another couple's condo with them and one other couple. There wouldn't have been any additional charges to our friends for us being there. We intended to fly there, while our friends intended to drive, which is why we provided them with six bottles of expensive wine ($300 total) for all of us to enjoy while we were together.

At no time was it ever said or implied that the wine was a gift. We did, however, say that the wine was for all of us to drink while we were there as a "thank you" for the free lodging.

We got "cold feet" due to six adults being housed in a small condo, so we canceled. The hosts said our cancellation didn't matter; that the wine should still go with them to the condo.

We politely declined. When they returned, they not-too-subtly wanted to keep the wine for themselves. We declined that "request" as well. What are Miss Manners' thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Well, they are not pretty. Not about you nor about your alleged friends in this unseemly tug.

You give yourself away when you speak of a supposed friend's offer of hospitality as "free lodging." Even the hotel industry now uses the more delicate terms "host" and "guest."

As you have baldly stated, you accepted an invitation, and then canceled because you decided that you didn't like the pre-stated terms. You had sent what anyone would interpret as a present, but are now declaring it was payment for services you no longer wanted.

Miss Manners would have preferred the scorned hosts to return your wine and cross you off their social list. But perhaps they were caught with no wine in the house, other guests on the way, and themselves being badly in need of a drink.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who I see about once a month. I told her about an event she might be interested in. When I asked her about it, she said, "Remind me about that a week before."

I was stunned. I never in a million years would ever ask anyone to remind me to do anything. Is she 2 years old? Does she not own a calendar? Either she's lazy, rude, self-centered, inconsiderate, or all of the above. What is your thought on this matter?

GENTLE READER: That your friend is not interested in this event, although she chose an unfortunate way of saying so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I want to know who should pay for a baby sitter: the single mother, or the man who is taking her out?

I feel that the man should pay for the sitter since he is the one who asked the mom out. Even if they have been together for a while, it should be his responsibility. What is the correct thing to do?

GENTLE READER: Is it his baby?

If not, Miss Manners must invoke the rule that hosts are not charged for the expenses of guests who choose to accept their invitations.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a new mother, trying my best to keep up with all the new demands that motherhood brings. And I just finished reading a column in which you said that "Maybe" was never an appropriate response when you RSVP.

I admit I have been saying "Maybe" to events lately. I would really like to attend these events if possible, but if I need to stay home to nurse my son, then I wouldn't be able to attend. (I don't include all those details in the RSVP -- just mentioning them here so you understand why I haven't been committing!)

I assume that when my son is older and on a schedule, it will become easier for me to commit definitively. But what should I do in the meantime? Just decline all invitations? Say yes, and then back out at the last minute if I cannot attend?

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners is sympathetic to the pressing and unpredictable demands of new motherhood, she also cautions against relying on your child as a perpetual excuse (in non-emergency situations, of course).

You will find that it will be an endless resource and will have the unfortunate result of diminishing invitations.

While it is still early, you may want to find a way to reconcile this with a social life now. If finding an alternative food source for your son is not an option, then yes, decline invitations until you and your son can find a mutually satisfying schedule (backing out at the last minute will not be looked upon kindly more than once). Your hosts would likely be much happier knowing that your status is temporary, than thinking of you as simply an unreliable guest.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I react when people say "I'm sorry," but they really are not, and I do not want to forgive them?

An example -- a friend or client is running late and it inconveniences me greatly. They show up and throw out a quick, "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late (insert excuse)."

Must I reply, "That's OK" -- even if it isn't?

Or, what about when I am out with a friend and she takes an unnecessary call or text on her phone and leaves me standing there awkwardly? She turns to me afterward and nonchalantly says, "Oh, I'm sorry ... blah, blah, blah."

The "I am sorry" in these and other situations feels insincere. It seems to just pop out of their mouths and not mean anything. What can I reply other than "That's OK" when it is not!?

GENTLE READER: People also say, "How are you?" as a nicety and rarely listen to the answer. Miss Manners acknowledges that a half-hearted apology is indeed frustrating, but saying "I'm sorry" is better than not.

However, as long as you are not outright rude in your reaction, responding "That's OK" after an annoyance is not strictly necessary. "Oh, I'm sure it must have been important" -- said without sarcasm -- should convey the necessary inconvenience while still giving the offenders the benefit of the doubt.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)