DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I are in our 40s, and we have been dating for several years. While we officially maintain separate residences, we have an arrangement that I stay over at his place on the weekend.

My boyfriend's sister, who lives in a time zone a few hours earlier, tends to call after 11 p.m. a few times a week. I do not think there is anything wrong with this when I am not staying over, as the only person this would bother would be my boyfriend, and he doesn't mind the late calls.

However, when I am staying over, a late call does bother me -- I am either in bed already, or close to it, and trying to wind down. I have raised this with my boyfriend, trying to explain that late phone calls are typically for emergencies, and he just says that's the time that works for his sister and that's how it works in his family.

Because I am only a guest, are the late phone calls something that I need to just put up with, or as a regular (and somewhat important) guest, can I ask that he gently ask his sister not to call so late on weekends (or he should arrange that he will call her)?

GENTLE READER: It would not be unreasonable to suggest that your boyfriend initiate the call in another room -- or put his phone on vibrate. Or you could ask to say hello to her, which would alert them both to the necessity of finding a better time to talk privately.

However, Miss Manners would strongly advise you not to use this as an opportunity to assert your importance or otherwise get in the middle of what works between siblings.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law is strongly curious about my jewelry. She is not content to leave the gems where they lie upon my bosom or earlobes.

She demands to inspect the gold, which is from a different part of the world than she is. I have some Thai gold that I enjoy wearing. She grew up in an area where gold takes a back seat to the stones seated therein.

I have tried discouraging her from putting her fingers near my eyes or anywhere on my body, telling her, "It's the same jewelry I always wear." She wants me to remove each piece and let her hold it, which has been disastrous, as her failing grip makes her unsteady during each visit.

What can I do to redirect her childlike demands to hold my jewelry? I'm tempted to tell her it's costume if that would get her fingers away from me!

GENTLE READER: It sounds as if that would hardly discourage her. You are wise not to wear pearls around her, as she might attempt to bite them to see if they are real.

If not wearing jewelry around your mother-in-law is not an option, then Miss Manners suggests practicing screaming in surprise as her fingers approach and then apologizing profusely at the mistake while you deftly change the subject -- and your proximity to her.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am curious to find out what would be the most acceptable and polite answer in this situation: A man (stranger) feels that a woman's dress is indecent and comes up to this woman inside a venue to tell her directly that she needs a change of clothes because she's not appropriately dressed for the event.

Since they haven't met before, how should she respond to such a brash and confrontational statement?

GENTLE READER: If you intend to be the critic in this situation, Miss Manners can assure you that the response will not be one of gratitude or contrition. It may even require a towel if the lady in question is holding a full glass. She urges you to rethink your plans.

If you are, instead, what can reasonably be termed the victim, she asks only for restraint -- while acknowledging that the behavior is a gross insult, which does not require a nuanced response. After a cold "Thank you for your opinion," the lady should walk away. What a woman who is not a lady might do, Miss Manners does not know.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two days after my town lost three teenagers to a tragic car accident, a community member began selling memorial T-shirts that were donated by a local family in the T-shirt business. All proceeds are to be given to the families to help with final expenses.

On the front of the T-shirt is an "inspirational" message, and the back has the names of the three children with their birth dates and the date of the accident.

I think their hearts are in the right places but, to me, it seems to trivialize and cheapen the memories of these children.

When I suggested that perhaps donations should be sought in order to provide a more lasting tribute than a T-shirt, I was accused of "starting drama." I was trying to think of how I would feel as a mother if next year someone is washing his car with that T-shirt or dropping it off to charity.

I suggested that a tree planting with a small plaque or a small monument at the school the three children attended would be more lasting, and was surprised by the nasty responses I received for not supporting the T-shirt sale.

Miss Manners, I don't want to further hurt an already grieving community, but am I wrong in thinking that a "T-shirt memorial" is cheap and tasteless?

GENTLE READER: No good comes of a competition over whose memorial is the most fitting or whose flower arrangement is the best. Funeral etiquette recognizes a hierarchy of grief, and while your community may be grieving for the loss, Miss Manners reminds you that it is the feelings of the principal mourners -- the immediate families -- that take precedence. How would you, as a mother, feel watching others argue over the tastefulness -- or tastelessness -- of the arrangements?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please advise me on the proper way to eat spaghetti when a family of little kids and adults are informally around the dinner table.

Next, what's correct for a gathering of only adults? And finally, how should it all be done when there is a major formal place setting for each guest?

If they wish, others may go ahead and sing "Jam your right fork in, pull the oozy gooey out, twirl it high into the air, and catch it in your mouth" -- the "meatball on the floor and out the door" song. I only want to set a proper example.

GENTLE READER: That is noble of you, but Miss Manners pictures your relatives' pasta getting cold while they ponder what age qualifies as adulthood, or what degree of formality requires which approach.

You are in dire need of a unified spaghetti policy. And please stop tempting chaos with jingles.

The correct method does not involve a spoon. It is necessary to state that, because Americans of Italian descent often argue that it does. Bracing the tines of the fork against a spoon is considered rather crude (although not as crude as your song) in Italy.

Rather, the fork should be planted, tines down, against the plate, and rotated so that the spaghetti is wound around it. Those pesky strands that refuse to wind can be cut with the side of the fork.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have to meet with people in a social setting occasionally that is not of my choosing; they don't like me and I don't like them.

If I don't offer my hand for a handshake and they offer theirs, is it proper to just say hello and ignore the proffered hand?

I'm sure their feelings won't be hurt, but don't really care if they are, and I get resentful at myself for being a fake or phony for shaking hands with people that I don't like.

GENTLE READER: Refusing to shake someone's extended hand without offering an apologetic excuse (such as a medical problem or religious prohibition) is a severe insult.

But then, that is what Miss Manners understands that you hope to deliver. You just don't want to accept the consequences of delivering a public slight that might provoke retaliation from the victims.

Perhaps you are right that some people will not understand the insult, or will be generous enough to assume that you don't understand having given one. That does not make the prospect of your chortling to yourself any less unpleasant. And it runs the risk of a scene that would embarrass your hosts. At most, Miss Manners will allow you to get away with a slight coolness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How to respond to a young man when he asks to marry your daughter? It is a yes answer.

GENTLE READER: Well, then, say yes.

Traditionally, this is the occasion to grill the prospect on his ability to support your daughter in the manner in which she is, or hopes to become, accustomed. However, Miss Manners must warn you that nowadays this could lead to an even less pleasant session with your daughter.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)