DEAR MISS MANNERS: Spontaneity is often referred to as the "spice of life." I love being spontaneous, if I can.

But now I'm being spontaneously called on with increasing frequency for a variety of meetings by a person who may become a business partner. The first time, I rearranged another engagement to meet with her spontaneously. By the third time, I said no. I couldn't rearrange my schedule.

I feel that she doesn't value and respect my time. What should I tell her the next time she asks me to appear spontaneously?

GENTLE READER: As you have discovered, spontaneity is less charming when it is used to justify rudeness (as it often is to explain not answering social invitations).

Miss Manners would hope that a prospective business partner would also value reliability and respect. But if that is not the case, why allow her to endanger your other professional relationships? Next time she asks, tell her, with charming spontaneity, that while you would love to, you have a prior commitment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the type of person whom people confide in. Hopefully this is because I am discreet and comforting.

But when the confidence becomes public -- a serious illness, a divorce, a job promotion or departure -- I am often asked if I was aware of the situation. I am at a loss as to how to respond.

I truly have no problem lying and saying, "No." This, however, became an issue in the past when it was discovered that I did know and had lied to a friend about this fact.

How can I respond to what I think are inappropriate queries in a way that is relatively honest but not indicative of the trust placed in me?

I've tried evasion. "It is unfortunate, but he is doing well now." "I think she will land on her feet with a new position." That sort of thing. Yet, this never seems to do the trick, and the pressing about my "in-the-know" position continues.

GENTLE READER: Assuming you were too discreet to tell a third party about the confidence, Miss Manners surmises that your having known could only have been revealed through a slip on the part of another confidant -- or of the confidee.

The correct response to the nosy person is misdirection: "I know it was a difficult time for him, and I know how much he appreciates being able to confide in his friends." If your inquisitor does not understand, you could state coldly that you do not know how much your friend would want you to say.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The owner of our company will often forward emails to us (staff), and all she will type is "Please handle" or sometimes just "Handle." I perceive both of these as rather rude, but I want to make sure that I'm not just simply too sensitive to rudeness.

GENTLE READER: The former, though brief, is a complete thought -- and nearly a complete sentence. As such, it receives Miss Manners's approval. The latter does not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a veteran with 23 years of service, and I'm uncomfortable with the traditional "Happy Memorial Day" greeting that the news and entertainment media have foisted upon the public. However, I do not know what is actually acceptable to use in its place. Are there better forms of greetings for more somber occasions?

GENTLE READER: While it is true that such constructions are used as greetings, you will notice that they are actually good wishes. So Miss Manners agrees that they seem jarring on somber occasions.

For example, one would not wish anyone a happy Yom Kippur; the proper wish is for an easy fast. But in common with "Merry Christmas," that is a kindly hope on behalf of another -- comfort in the former case, and enjoyment in the latter.

How would you wish people to feel on Memorial Day? Respectful, presumably, and perhaps contemplative. But to instruct them to do so would be impertinent. You wouldn't be wishing them well, but ordering them to behave properly, which is not only rudely intrusive but insulting, as it implies that they are not already doing so.

So the only passably fitting use of "Happy Memorial Day" would be to encourage shopkeepers who use it to advertise sales.

Two cautionary notes:

(1) It is unnecessary, and sometimes unwise, to issue holiday-specific wishes to people whose circumstances you do not know. People who do this mean to spread cheer, but that is not the result of, for example, calling out "Happy Father's Day!" to someone whose child is deceased.

(2) Nevertheless, it is also a mistake to take conventional expressions at their surface value. Miss Manners supported you on the Memorial Day matter, but please do not press her about every such remark. It is really tedious when people complain that everyone who says "How do you do?" doesn't want a medical report, and those who begin letters with "Dear" do not hold them particularly dear.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I adopted a wonderful little boy from Russia when he was almost 4 years old; my husband was 46 and I was 42. Since we returned home, we have experienced several occasions where strangers assume our son is our grandson, making comments such as, "You must be proud of your grandson," or "How old is your grandson?"

Whenever we reply along the lines of, "Well, he's actually our son," the other person generally looks flustered and moves on.

Is there a polite way to correct their false assumption without making them feel bad? At first these comments bothered me, but now I take them in stride and try to just appreciate people noticing my wonderful son.

GENTLE READER: If you can really do that, there is no need to correct the nosy assumptions made by strangers. What does it matter what they think?

However, you could consider that it would be doing such people a favor by saving them from future embarrassment. Miss Manners suggests, "Actually, he is really too young to give us grandchildren yet, but we hope he will someday."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I like to load the dishwasher with the silverware facing down. My mother prefers face up. While we can all argue about who is correct, that's not my question. I know I'm right.

When my mother, who frequents my home, helps clean up by loading the dishwasher, she insists on loading it her way. I've asked several times for her to load it my preferred way. After all, this is my house, and if her goal is to help, cutting my hand on a sharp knife isn't very helpful.

Her response is that I'm ungrateful and should appreciate her help. Who is right?

GENTLE READER: Since you've already stated that you are, Miss Manners finds herself hesitant to cross you -- especially since you already have blood quite literally on your hands.

Just as you are certain that you are correct, so is your mother, and it doesn't seem likely that either of you is going to back down. Why don't you agree to load your own dishes in your own homes -- and ask for help with serving those dishes instead?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When individuals from different cultures marry and have different table manners, how does the one who finds the other's table manners irritating or embarrassing politely convey a less offensive way for her or his partner to eat?

My grandmother from the Old South was offended at the table behavior of my Connecticut Yankee grandfather, whose family had been dirt farmers. Grandpa ate his peas with his knife. Her approach was to turn a cold shoulder, which only made him laugh loudly and hum "The Battle Hymn of the Republic."

Do you have any advice that could have saved their marriage? It ended in divorce.

GENTLE READER: So you see where bad manners can lead. Wars have been started over less. A husband who knowingly irritates his wife in the name of cultural customs is not likely trying to keep her.

Beware of cultural practices that are used to vex others -- or extract money from them. (Eating with your knife is never polite -- not to mention, highly dangerous.)

Marriages with different cultures and legitimate customs must set ground rules. Anything so annoying that it leads to divorce should be high on the list for elimination.

Miss Manners certainly acknowledges regional etiquette differences, but -- particularly where there are children involved -- advises giving preference to the manners of the society in which the family resides.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is proper etiquette when working in an office while sick?

GENTLE READER: To avoid it.

If it is absolutely necessary -- and you cannot work from home -- then try to keep to yourself and politely avoid contact with others, delicately explaining your situation (graphic descriptions and/or demonstrations are not allowed).

Miss Manners would also like to add that the correct response to hearing that someone is ill is, "I'm so sorry you're not feeling well," and not, "Eww. Get away from me!"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)