DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a young nephew and niece, ages 3 and 1. When the first child was born, I asked my sister for her children to call me according to the language customs for "aunt" in our heritage language. While we were born and raised in the United States, we grew up referring to our aunts and uncles this way, and I would like to continue the tradition.

She has refused this request, calling me by a different name in front of her children. At this point, her kids are either not yet speaking, or too young to pronounce anything correctly anyway.

However, I know that her children will come to know me by the name she uses. Not only that, but any future nieces and nephews from other siblings will likely refer to me the same way as their cousins.

I love my niece and nephew, and my siblings, but feel it is disrespectful to not respect my request. Do I have a say in what my nieces and nephews call me?

GENTLE READER: Probably not. But not for the reasons that you suppose.

Miss Manners finds it sweetly naive that you assume that the children will do whatever their mother tells them. In the interest of preserving family harmony, it might be wise to ask your sister gently why the children aren't calling you by your preferred title. If it is on purpose or just an oversight, at least you will know with what you are up against and can act accordingly.

If you deem your sister unreasonable, later, as you begin forging your own relationship with your nieces and nephews, you may choose to drive her crazy by conspiratorially asking them to call you by the title you prefer. Children do so love secrets -- and doing the opposite of what their mothers tell them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Isn't it wrong for a bride-to-be to have a bridal shower given by someone who is not invited to the wedding, and to invite people who aren't invited to the wedding? That sounds like you're having a shower just to receive presents.

GENTLE READER: Sure does.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My beloved in-laws frequently dine at our home. We love having them join us for family meals. Only one small problem prevails: They love to use their fingers to pick apart cakes and other shared desserts.

I have tried offering to cut them a slice when they start stripping off the topping or edges of one of my homemade desserts at the table. They usually reply, "Oh no, thank you -- I'm fine just picking."

I don't want to offend them or hurt their feelings, but watching the dessert get decimated really grosses me out -- and often destroys the most coveted parts of the treats. Please help!

GENTLE READER: Have you considered serving individual portions? Or perhaps parading the dessert around the table for display (while keeping a firm grip on it), before quickly removing it to cut?

No doubt, your family thinks that they are being familial, but Miss Manners agrees that it does make the food highly unpalatable. She encourages you to avoid the problem by finding some new recipes.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a 3-year-old child who is a picky eater. He is healthy, and the pediatrician has advised me not to stress him by forcing him to eat things he does not like.

My parents invite us to family dinners on Sunday, but my dad always serves very savory or complex dishes, and my son just eats bread. I'm not sure whether to say something to my father -- although he is fully aware that my child never eats. I'm not sure whether just to stop going. Do the hosts have an obligation to provide food everyone will be able to eat?

GENTLE READER: Happy as your son's pediatrician apparently was to provide advice, Miss Manners does not see this as a medical question.

By your own description, your son can eat the food provided. He simply does not wish to do so. Nor is it a question of going hungry, as the bread meets his exacting standards.

Your parents have met the requirements of hospitality, though perhaps at the cost of endearing themselves to the next generation. Miss Manners would think that the latter would be punishment enough for most grandparents without requiring more extreme measures. You may tell your son that he does not have to eat everything provided, so long as he is polite and discreet.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper method of finding out more about your job application when the employer states that you can only check the status online? It has been over a month with no news, and I feel like I am left hanging. What time limit would be appropriate before I could contact them to find out more, even though they stated not to?

GENTLE READER: It may be that you already have an answer, and not the one you hoped for. Miss Manners disapproves of employers leaving applicants hanging, and forbidding them from following up themselves exacerbates the rudeness.

Since you have been waiting for such a long time, she suggests you call the employer and politely inquire if it is the company's policy to notify all applicants -- even if the answer is negative. You may learn in passing if the position has been filled. Such a call does not technically violate the employer's ban, since you are not inquiring about the status of your own application.

If the employer does not recognize this distinction -- and treat you politely -- you will at least have learned something about how your prospective employer treats the help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of many years, but with whom I've had limited contact recently, called to tell me she was not going to invite me to her wedding. She said if her wedding were further in the future she might feel differently.

I said it was her day and there were no hard feelings. I assumed that not receiving an invitation was sufficient notice for anyone, and a call to say I wasn't invited was odd. But is it rude as well?

GENTLE READER: Back when you knew her, presumably when you were both school age, was she in the habit of telling you, "Nyah, nyah, I'm having a birthday party and you can't come"? Miss Manners assures you that it is as nasty now as it was then.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Friends of mine lost their home to a house fire. It was terrible. Another friend set up a "go fund me"-type page for friends and family to donate and help the couple. Many friends, including me, helped with money, meals, laundry and their dog while they were getting back on their feet.

Last week, they sent thank-you notes. My roommate received one addressed to her and I did not. The notes were not individualized; it was a printed one-size-fits-all message. My roommate realized I did not receive a thank you, so she sent a private message to the couple just letting them know I had been left out. I did not know she had done this until later.

The next day, I got a text message apologizing and saying that I had been left out because their friend who addressed the notes must have missed me! (Miss Manners, they didn't even address the notes themselves!) It was accompanied by a picture of the thank-you note, which was texted to me with the message, "Here's a thank you just for you. XOXO"

I am miffed. I helped them in their time of need and didn't get a second thought. I have not responded to her text message. Is it fair of me to consider this friendship over? Should I tell her that I am upset, or should I accept that this boorish thank-you was better than nothing?

GENTLE READER: Let us say that these are not the people to count on if your house burns down.

Miss Manners realizes that they have suffered a disaster and are occupied with putting their lives back together. If hundreds of strangers had pitched in, it would have been acceptable to write an effusive public letter with an apology for not being able to write to each individual.

It seems unlikely that your "many" meant more than a dozen at most. And these were not strangers, but friends. They may not have been coping with disasters of their own, but they had busy schedules of their own, which they sacrificed to help a friend.

After the friends were re-established with food and shelter, what higher priority could there be than to treasure those who generously rushed to their aid?

What she sent you, instead, was not a letter expressing gratitude, but a sort of receipt, and upon request, at that. Miss Manners is not surprised that this would dampen, if not kill, the friendship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I understand from you that inedible items, such as bits of shell or gristle, should leave the mouth by the way they entered, e.g., mouth to fork. What I have not understood is how to discreetly move the items from the mouth back onto the utensil.

Should one raise the fork and try to deposit the item outside, or put an empty fork into the mouth and try to maneuver things within a closed mouth before removal? Or is there a third option to more quickly and successfully accomplish this?

GENTLE READER: The third option is to excuse oneself from the table and pick the offending item out in private. The second option is bound to be conspicuous, if not dangerous. Therefore, Miss Manners leaves you with the first option and the hope that you can accomplish it discreetly.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)