DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are having a party for our employees and want to be sure we are politically correct with our invitations. We want to invite employees and their spouses or significant others (girls of girls and boys of boys). How do I word this invitation to accommodate our lesbian and gay employees?

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners lauds your desire to make everyone feel welcome, you have made her realize that trying too obviously hard to be inoffensive is, in itself, somewhat offensive. Instead of researching all possible personal ties your employees may have, you could use one simple word: "guest." Tell them that you would welcome each of them bringing one guest to the party. Or that each invitation is for two people.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette when receiving a gift one already possesses?

I took a good friend to lunch for her birthday and gave her a gift, a book which was absolutely perfect for her. It was so perfect, unfortunately, that she already had a copy of it.

I asked if she would like to take it back to the bookstore and exchange it for a book of her choice. She then slid it across the table and said that she knew I could choose something else she might like. I have again purchased a book, which I hope she would like and does not have.

My own response would be not to mention that I already had it, to exclaim how perfect the choice was, and then either to give the book to someone else who might enjoy it or to make the exchange myself.

GENTLE READER: Your own response is the polite one. When someone has tried to please you, it is rude, as well as disheartening, to respond by announcing that the effort was a failure and the would-be donor should go back and try again.

Had Miss Manners been in your position, she would have slid the book right back and said, "Oh, I'd probably just make another mistake. Just dispose of this in whatever way is easiest."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you make of people who ignore a friend's urgent texts or emails for several days, but can be seen by that friend simultaneously, and at length, corresponding with many others on social media outlets, putting the lie to any claim that she was out of reach or busy?

GENTLE READER: It is true that a friend responds to an urgent message quickly. But friends may have different definitions of what is urgent.

Also, we don't know what else is in your friend's in-box. Not being privy to that correspondence, Miss Manners cannot dictate which message has precedence. She can only hope that your friend sorts her correspondence intelligently and compassionately, taking note of different uses of the word "urgent," from emergencies to mere impatience.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 51-year-old woman who has a lot of friends. I've been to engagement parties, weddings, baptisms, first communions, kids' birthdays up to the age of 18, etc. I'm blessed to have so many friends. I have never been married or have kids. I do not make a lot of money, and my friends know that.

I have dear friends in Australia who are paying my way next year to stay with them for 3 1/2 weeks. I am not a selfish person, but the idea came to me that, given all the things I've been going to, I thought it might be my turn to have a celebration for me.

My friends from Australia are giving me money for my expenses for the weeks that I will be gone. I would be able to use that money for spending.

GENTLE READER: How fortunate you are to have those spontaneously generous friends in Australia.

And how sad it is that instead of inspiring gratitude, this leads you to begrudge your own past generosity and think about extracting payback from other friends. If that's the way you believe that friendship should work, Miss Manners suggests that you start worrying about the time when your hosts tally what they spent on you and plot to get an equivalent return.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We get (real) mail in a mailbox attached to the wall just outside our door. I often do not pick up the mail the instant it comes because I am doing something else, and I want to get the mail when I can deal with it.

Usually if someone comes to the door while there is mail in the mailbox, they will take it out of the mailbox and hand it to me, or sometimes if they are coming in, they will bring it in with them and put it down someplace random, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid by not bringing it in until I was ready to deal with it.

I am utterly baffled as to why anyone would think that this is helpful, but so many people do it that there must be something I am missing. If it were just one or two people who did it repeatedly, I would find a nice way to ask them to stop, but how do I prevent nice, friendly people from doing this?

GENTLE READER: Short of putting a mousetrap in your mailbox -- or a lock -- Miss Manners does not see how you can prevent an endless stream of nice people who are ignorant of your habits nevertheless trying to be helpful (which is why they do it). She is just grateful to be given a problem in which everyone means well.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: New relationship very early stages -- should I put a kiss on birthday card?

GENTLE READER: Not before you know the person well enough to predict whether the reaction will be pressing the card to the recipient's cheek, or dropping it and going off to wash the hands.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a relative who frowns upon family members who allow their babies to use pacifiers.

Beyond chastising the mothers about the matter throughout her visit, she goes further. When the parents aren't looking, she takes the pacifier or pacifiers when she leaves.

The parents are left to care for a crying baby. One baby cried much of the night because of the missing pacifier. The parents did their best, but it was a difficult night. Is it acceptable for one to take a personal preference so far?

GENTLE READER: This goes beyond mere personal preference. This is a misdemeanor. Miss Manners is amazed that the baby didn't press charges.

Unless there is true harm being done to the baby -- and please don't come to Miss Manners with studies about the damage done by pacifiers -- parenting is best left to the parents. And stealing is best left to thieves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Here's one for your book of First World problems:

I enjoy sending greeting cards to family members for birthdays, anniversaries, new babies, etc. But I have two dilemmas.

One: Many of those to whom I send cards do not reciprocate. This does not bother me, but when I see them, they'll say, "Oh, you're so good at remembering my birthday, and I feel guilty because I'm terrible at stuff like that and never send you one."

I usually respond with something like, "Well, my goal in life is to make you feel guilty, so I guess my work here is done." But I'm wondering if I should stop sending them cards to ease their guilt.

Two: My brother and his wife have been married for more than 40 very turbulent years. A year ago, she moved halfway across the country to act as nanny for her pregnant daughter who is in the military and whose husband, also military, is deployed far away.

They now see each other for holidays and child-centered events, and both are much happier and don't seem in any hurry to change the arrangement. Their anniversary is coming up, and I'm puzzled as to whether I send a card to them at their common home address, send each one a separate card, or just skip it altogether, since they don't seem to be bothered about spending the day apart.

GENTLE READER: You do not have to ease anyone's guilt or pay tribute to the true state of someone's marriage in order to send them a greeting card. If you enjoy commemorating occasions, continue to do so.

Of course, Miss Manners assumes that these cards' messages simply honor the event and aren't truth in packaging. "You may not care, but I do" is not an acceptable sentiment. Nor is "Happy estrangement," so one card to the common address will do.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a large party yesterday with 100 people responding that they would come. Only 70 showed up.

How do I respond to people who sent me emails this morning saying, "So sorry we couldn't make it. The weekend just got away from us. Hope you had fun"?

GENTLE READER: No response is necessary. If there is further inquiry, Miss Manners suggests telling your guests that time just got away from you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)