DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have pet rats. They are trained domestic rats that bear little resemblance to the kind that live in subways.

The rats live in a cage, but I will sometimes take one out and put it on my shoulder while I do whatever needs to be done in the house (as is recommended by rat-care experts). If the doorbell rings when I am not expecting anyone and I happen to have a rat on my shoulder, is it all right for me to answer the door with the rat still on my shoulder, or must I take the time to put that rat back in its cage and secure the cage, running the risk that during that time the person at the door will assume I'm not home and leave?

The rats never jump off my shoulder and do not bite, so there is no risk that any harm will come to the person on the other side of the door; but I do know that some people have an irrational dislike of rodents, so I don't know if that possibility is something I need to accommodate.

GENTLE READER: Surprise!

They surprise you; you surprise them.

This is not a principle that Miss Manners would apply to anyone who keeps a pet hyena or an ill-behaved rat. You do have a duty to protect others from danger, as well as from unwanted attentions from animals, dangerous or not.

In addition, it is thoughtful to extend this to allow for the possibility of the mere sight of your pet being upsetting. But that applies to people who enter your house by invitation or appointment. Those who lack the courtesy to call ahead cannot reasonably expect you to anticipate and cater to a mere prejudice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've noticed that sometimes a gift is unwanted by a friend or family member, and instead of just giving it away, they return it to me.

They always make a point of noting that they need to be honest about not planning on using the gift and so are choosing to return it to me. I do feel hurt that what I chose for someone was incorrect.

I, on the other hand, never would do this to anyone. I've received many gifts that were not to my taste, but I just say thank you and either keep or donate. It's the thought that counts, right? Is it more important to be honest or to not hurt anyone's feelings?

GENTLE READER: It is appalling how often these mean the same thing. Miss Manners has noticed that when someone declares an intention to be honest, nastiness is bound to follow.

Two things seemed to have escaped such people:

Dishonesty is not the only alternative to honesty. There is also the highly underrated virtue of shutting up.

When someone prefaces a statement with the declaration of being honest, the implication is that honesty does not characterize that person's other statements.

All that needs to be said about a present that does not please is a hearty thanks. To return it is an insult, as well as an additional burden on the giver to dispose of it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We had four children about five years apart, lots of gifts under the tree, and a very calm, enjoyable, fun-filled Christmas morning. It was a family time. Dad gave someone a gift. It was opened, admired by all, thanked, and a hug and a kiss if it was from one of the family present, and an easy jotting down if there was a need to write a thank-you.

Then we'd stop, have breakfast, go to church, have lunch, take a walk, or just break to enjoy what we had received. It was fun to watch that perhaps one child (or each in turn) was more excited about giving the gift they had purchased or made to one of the siblings or parents. And that child got to present the gift to the sibling. Some Christmases it took us all day to open the gifts or even into the next day. As the older children began to read and write, they often wanted to be the note keeper.

I have always been thankful for the way we handled Christmas morning. Speak of teaching patience! The joy of giving. Concern for others. Sharing. I could go on and on.

GENTLE READER: Like a sack of coal, Miss Manners' annual holiday mailbag is filled with accounts of greed, strife and ingratitude. She is immensely grateful to have found this gem among them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Three weeks ago, Sue, a high school classmate, informed me that a third classmate, Kelly, was throwing a party for our class, as well as for a few classes preceding and following ours. Kelly asked Sue to help get the word out. Anyway, I eagerly accepted the invitation from Sue to Kelly's party.

A few days later, I had second thoughts and called Sue and said I really didn't want to go. She asked why, and I told her, honestly, that none of my close friends from those days were going, and I didn't feel like making small talk with classmates I essentially never see.

She informed me she had already told Kelly that I was coming and that Kelly was excited I was coming. (We were only casual friends in high school.) I asked Sue to please tell Kelly I said hello, and she said she would.

I am concerned that I may have hurt Kelly's feelings, especially since Sue likely relayed my reneging verbatim. Should I send Kelly some kind of apology? Should I just let sleeping dogs lie?

GENTLE READER: Is everyone in this situation still in high school?

Miss Manners is certain that your letter indicates not, but all parties are assuredly acting as if they are.

Yes, it is rude to decline an invitation saying that you do not feel like making small talk (Miss Manners hates to inform you that is the very definition of a party). It is also rude to issue an invitation through a third party.

You could set an example of maturity by talking to them both directly. Tell Sue that you regret having declined the invitation on silly grounds, and Kelly that you are sorry that you missed her party and hope that she will forgive you about any misunderstandings resulting from the indirect communication.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Shrugs have always been poor manners, or at least that is what I was taught. When asked a question, you should give a proper verbal answer.

My stepson has now started to shrug in response to things, and then actually to say "Shrug" as his verbal response. I have not corrected him, and he does not mean to give offense. I'm just puzzled.

If you verbally say "Shrug" as an indication of your disinterest/not caring about a question, is that considered a proper verbal response?

By the way, the statement of nonverbals seems to be catching among the teenage generation. I've also heard "Yawn" to indicate boredom and "Gulp" to indicate trouble. Maybe it's all that texting.

GENTLE READER: It might be an even older phenomenon, namely comic books.

The rudeness is not the fact of the shrug being nonverbal -- presumably you do not have a court reporter handy who needs oral responses -- but rather that it shows disrespect. This is true however the shrug is conveyed.

As parents, you or your husband should talk to your stepson and tell him that this is not acceptable behavior. Miss Manners recommends avoiding the phrases "Kapow!" and "Bam!"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a fight with my girlfriend and we haven't spoken since the week before Thanksgiving. She left a Christmas gift at my house today. I do not want to continue our relationship. What should I do with the gift?

GENTLE READER: Return it, with a polite note of thanks and the explanation that under the circumstances, you do not feel you can take advantage of her generosity. Not returning it would signal a possible willingness to return, Miss Manners must warn you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a director at a church weekday program. We had a training last night at work for the faculty. After the meeting, it was brought to my attention by another teacher that texting was being done during the meeting. I am not sure what my approach to confronting the employees should be. I am upset that they did not feel it was important enough to give me their undivided attention.

Please advise on this matter. Our policy states that because we are a licensed day care facility, we will not use our phones at work. Each employee signs the policy at the beginning of the year. The meeting and training was fun, and it was on the subject of "cooking with children" in the classroom.

GENTLE READER: Reminding people of your policy at the beginning of a training session is not out of place. But Miss Manners feels that your particular circumstances make the task easier than usual. Pass around an empty soup pot, and ask the trainees to deposit their phones into it. In addition to enforcing the policy, you will be reminding your students that it is not difficult to imagine what might go wrong when bringing children, open flames and electronics into close proximity.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)