DEAR MISS MANNERS: Living in a small town, I often have the occasion to negotiate a four-way stop. The rules are simple: First person stopped has the right of way; if two or more stop at the same time, yield to the person on the right.

However, more often than not I see the person with the right of way wave a different car through the intersection. When I've asked people why, they say they do it out of politeness.

To me, this does not seem like a question of manners but simply following traffic laws. Once a "polite" person waves a car through, there's confusion as to who goes next and/or you have multiple drivers trying to wave other cars through. It is so much more efficient when everyone just obeys the laws!

GENTLE READER: Refreshing as it is to hear about drivers who wish to make the world a more polite place, Miss Manners agrees that this is not the place to start. Right-of-way laws exist to ensure not just efficiency, but also safety, in situations where the consequences of miscommunication can be dire. Drivers can express their polite feelings under such circumstances by refraining from unnecessary honking, cutting in line and other such forms of automotive self-expression.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm in the process of starting a not-for-profit organization, and I am wondering what is the polite way to solicit donations for such an organization. I don't want to become the person who is always asking for money, but I also don't want the organization to suffer from me being overly shy.

GENTLE READER: As your question warms Miss Manners' heart, she will answer it without dwelling on her suspicion that you are not cut out for a career in fundraising. Shyness about asking others for money is a rare and admirable trait.

Fundraising is a legitimate activity, so long as it is not done under false pretenses (which means to unsuspecting persons at unrelated events like family birthday parties) or to excess (which means after the would-be donor has expressed a desire not to be solicited again). The key is to interest people in the cause, not to shame them into paying. Think of yourself as an ambassador and remind yourself not to be a zealot.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Am I completely out of touch, or is it now acceptable to send a message of condolence via text?

My mother passed away recently, and a couple of my friends, one of whom I have known for over 30 years, sent me messages of condolence via text. OMG, your mother died!

Seriously? She's my mother, not my favorite plant. Although one of the messages was nice, I honestly cannot recall what it said because I was so hurt that I promptly deleted it.

Is it ever appropriate to send a condolence message via text or email?

GENTLE READER: The advent of new technologies has not changed the fact that the proper way to recognize a death is in a handwritten letter. Supplemental expressions of sympathy -- for example, a telephone call to a friend who lives some distance away, and a condolence visit to someone nearby -- are also welcome.

Miss Manners notes that the increasing rarity of letter-writing makes the effort more special today, as it shows a level of sympathy beyond what can be expressed in unpunctuated acronyms.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On public transit, the law requires giving up one's seat to the elderly and disabled. But there can be fuzzy areas to those categories sometimes, so I wonder if rules of etiquette can provide any guidelines.

I am a 60-year-old man with slightly graying hair, but am physically fit and able (slim, walk four miles a day, gym three times a week, etc.). On recent occasions -- though it's still rare -- someone has offered me his or her seat on the bus. The latest episode was a young woman who reached through a crowd of other standing people to touch me on the arm and wave in a frantic pantomime that I could have her seat.

It actually startled me. I think I managed to smile and shake my head no -- but I was truly offended. I wondered why in the world she had zeroed in on me out of that busload of adults. Was it merely the salt-and-pepper hair? Or do I really look that old and in need of help?

Over the years, I have seen other people get offended when offered a seat. And these aren't always the "gray-area" cases like me -- but ones who seem truly elderly and frail. It's as if they take the offer as a public accusation that they are worse off than others.

Of course, some people really do need and want to be seated, and the exchange is usually simple and polite. But what is the best etiquette in these cases to minimize any offense -- both for those offering and those being offered seats?

GENTLE READER: It is for people like you to stop feeling so ashamed of growing older that you are insulted at being treated courteously.

Granted, you are not rude to those who defer to you. Many people are, as you have seen. But you share their feeling that there is something embarrassing about aging, and that any recognition of it can only be motivated by pity.

Actually, precedence based on age is the fairest system. With any luck, everyone gets a turn. It is especially valuable now that workplaces try to disguise the fact that their precedence system is based on rank, and the social precedence system known as "ladies first" is passing out of use.

Why have a precedence system at all (you may ask)? Because the absence of an accepted one results in the me-first system of shoving -- as you may have noticed.

Your objection to age precedence is that it interferes with your illusion that you are passing for younger than you are. Good for you that you keep fit. But your record at the gym does not negate your obviously being a generation older than the polite young lady. It is doubtful that she had analyzed your hair and figure to calculate exactly how much older.

In due course, she will be in the older generation herself. Miss Manners only hopes that by that time, the concept of respect for the elderly will not have been killed off by misplaced vanity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK for a gay coach to invite his soccer team of 16-year-old girls to his wedding?

GENTLE READER: Certainly, provided he sends them all individual invitations, so that they understand that being a guest at a ceremonial occasion is not like showing up for a sports event. Miss Manners is afraid that people nowadays do not always make that distinction.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law recently gave birth to her second child. Her first child is a toddler. My brother-in-law, her husband, sent an email saying, "New mom and baby are doing well."

Is she still considered a "new mom" even though it is her second child? I thought the term applied only to first-time parents, i.e., when the first baby is born. It seems that the wording should have been reversed -- "Mom and new baby are doing well" -- as it is the baby who is new, not the fact that she is a mother.

I ask because she was referenced as "new mom" several times, and my brother-in-law even referred to himself as "new dad."

GENTLE READER: Perhaps the couple's reasoning is that they are new parents to this particular child. Or perhaps, more likely, they are just sleep-deprived.

Either way, Miss Manners does not find the error to be one of manners, or even particularly of syntax. When it comes to all things newborn, she is inclined to be forgiving -- and encourages you to be the same by not pointing out the perceived error. As the alternative might be getting an earful about individuality and newness, silence is also simpler.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When you are a guest at a family member's house, and the hostess overcooks the cinnamon rolls for breakfast, is there ever a way to criticize her?

GENTLE READER: So as to avoid being invited back? That is the only reason Miss Manners can think of, as no matter how you put it, you surely do not imagine the lady will thank you and begin another batch.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I had her family over for dinner on a Sunday evening. They came at 6:30. By 9:30 I was tired. I'm a young man (31), but I'm a CPA, and it was my busy tax season, when I need sleep for my 60-65 hour weeks. I whispered in my wife's ear that we should try to find an opportunity to let the party end, as my usual bedtime is 10 to 10:30.

My wife didn't handle it gracefully, but her father seemed understanding. However, I heard the next day from my wife that my mother-in-law was upset that we "kicked them out."

Who is in the wrong here? I feel that 9:30 was late enough for a Sunday evening. If it was a Friday or Saturday, I would have been more willing to let the evening go longer. Who should apologize?

GENTLE READER? You.

While Miss Manners agrees that three hours is a reasonable amount of time for dinner, she must remind you that it is never polite to dismiss your guests. Departures, however much wished, should be made of their own volition.

If you must entertain on a Sunday, plan for the evening to begin even earlier. Or when you issue the invitation, tell your relatives that you're afraid that since it's a work night, you won't be able to stay up as long as you might otherwise like. If they still stay beyond your ability to stay awake, discreet yawns, surreptitiously checking the clock and occasional fits of narcolepsy are (marginally) allowed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)