life

Mother Appears to Take Offense When Son Gets Complimented

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 21st, 2014 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I respond to a person who comments I have a good-looking grandson when he is my son?

GENTLE READER: Your son is complimenting your grandson? Or another person is mistaking your son for your grandson and complimenting him?

If the former, you may enthusiastically agree.

However, Miss Manners suspects that it is the latter, and that you are so offended by the notion that you might be a grandmother that your nouns and pronouns are having trouble agreeing.

Saying, "Oh, thank you. I hope that my future grandson will be as good-looking as my son is now" should clear up the social problem.

Etiquette & EthicsFamily & Parenting
life

Keep Thanking Generous Parents Of Friends Who Love To Pick Up The Tab

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 21st, 2014 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two friends, a couple, and the parents of one of them always take me out for dinner with the family when they are in town. We dine at a very nice restaurant that I would normally not go to, due to cost.

At the end of the meal I always ask, in sincere honesty, what I can contribute to the bill and am always told my money is not needed. They also refuse to let me take care of the tip.

I have sent thank-you cards and have made food and desserts for my friends when the family is in town, but I would like to be able to contribute once in a while to the bill for an amazing dinner and great company.

Am I being too pushy in insisting to help with the tab? What is the best way to thank someone for being kind and generous by including me in their family dinner?

GENTLE READER: Please excuse Miss Manners while she takes a moment to collect herself. It is not often that a Gentle Reader presents a situation in which everyone in it is behaving perfectly.

Allow the parents of your friends to keep inviting you to dinner. Continue gently offering to pay and graciously accepting it when they refuse. Carry on writing thank-you notes and making meals and treats for the family when they are in town.

Clearly, you are all enjoying one another's company; generosity is being met with gratitude, and there is nothing whatsoever that Miss Manners can do to improve the situation. Give her another moment.

Friends & NeighborsEtiquette & EthicsMoney
life

Explain To Sister-In-Law That Baby Sitting Services Must Be Prearranged

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 21st, 2014 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law left her kids with my mother-in-law and me without even asking us. She mentioned that she was going somewhere, and then left the house abruptly!

She returned after a good three hours, in which time we fed, changed and played with them. What should we have done?

GENTLE READER: Exactly what you did. Were you expecting Miss Manners to tell you to call Child Services?

Whether or not you care for your sister-in-law's behavior, she is family. And surely you wouldn't take out your feelings about a mother -- however justified -- on the children.

In order to prevent a repeat performance, Miss Manners suggests that you and your mother-in-law explain to her that you are happy to see the children for pre-arranged visits, but that unless it's an emergency, unannounced ones cannot be accommodated. You will have to define emergency for her if that is how she describes shopping or tennis.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Family & ParentingEtiquette & Ethics
life

Restaurant Wait Staff Are There to Serve, Not Embrace

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 19th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I dine at a restaurant, if the waiter does not give us his name upon greeting us, my husband will ask for it. My husband then proceeds to introduce us to the waiter, saying, "I'm Joe, and this is Jane."

I find this to be incredibly awkward and even patronizing. It seems unnecessary for the waiter to know our names, as we are not trying to make friends. We're always friendly to wait staff and we tip well, but we're ultimately just at the restaurant to enjoy a meal.

Am I wrong -- is this introduction proper or appropriate?

GENTLE READER: Not unless your husband intends to invite the waiter to share your meal, in which case Miss Manners wonders who will bring the food.

Marriage & DivorceEtiquette & Ethics
life

Gentleman Who Helps With Lady's Coat Can Also Handle His Own

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 19th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I (female, professional) volunteered as a coat-check person for an auction fundraiser for a not-for-profit group. Was it appropriate for me to offer to help people put their coats on after I retrieved them?

When my "customers" were a couple (man and woman), I'd offer the obviously feminine coat to the man to allow him to help the lady with her coat.

Rarely did he seem happy to take it. One man said, "Nope! That's HER coat."

Was I wrong to give the women's coats to the men? The event was formal, "black tie."

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners understands the confusion of the gentleman who is handed a stole while you retain his wool overcoat. Surrender both coats to the person who asked for them. A gentleman who has the courtesy to help a lady on with her coat no doubt has the dexterity to juggle his own coat while doing so.

Etiquette & EthicsSex & Gender
life

Friends Who Have Sideboard May Think It Was A Gift, Not A Loan

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 19th, 2014 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Nineteen years ago, I moved out of my shared apartment into a studio. At the time I had a buffet/sideboard that did not fit in my new apartment. Some newly married friends offered to take it.

I don't see these friends but once a year, as we now live around 50 miles apart, but we remain on friendly terms. A number of years ago I did see the sideboard in their dining room and noticed that they had refinished it. Though I have no immediate need for it now, it does match my dining room table and it belonged to my great-aunt Mary. How do I bring up the topic of my sideboard and that I want it back, if not now, eventually?

GENTLE READER: Your description of what happened 19 years ago is hazy on who said what -- as, no doubt, is your friends' memory. Unfortunately, it matters who said what at the time.

You can call in a loan, but you cannot politely request the return of a present. Assuming, however, that it was clearly understood by both parties as a temporary loan, you may remind them of the original agreement. Miss Manners suggests you also express your gratitude for their extended generosity and offer to pay for the refinishing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Etiquette & EthicsFriends & Neighbors
life

Nosy Inquiries About Leg Scars Deserve Joking Response

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 17th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Up until about a year ago, I habitually self-injured. I was able to work through my problems and cut out the habit, but I am left with a number of scars on my legs. They are visible from a distance and clearly (at least to anyone even marginally aware of the nature of accidents) deliberately inflicted.

It's usually not a social problem, as regular pants cover them nicely. But when I wear shorts or skirts, people (friends, acquaintances and strangers) ask about them, or worse, simply point them out. This is usually in casual conversation, often in a group.

The people with whom I am comfortable openly discussing this are already aware of my situation. I realize that others are trying to show concern, but even if I responded honestly, it's probably not a conversation they actually want to have.

I usually get flustered and make a lame excuse or change the subject. What would be a good way to casually discourage additional conversation on the topic without getting flustered or killing the mood?

GENTLE READER: "I walked into a lawn mower." Or perhaps, "I really have to buy a better shredder." Or whatever else occurs to you that is outrageous enough to make it clear that you are joking.

The dense may have follow-up questions, to which you should reply firmly, "Thank you for your interest, but I'm fine now." Notice that Miss Manners calls it "interest," not "concern." As old scars would show that you are not in immediate danger, those inquiries are not compassionate but merely nosy.

Mental HealthEtiquette & EthicsFriends & Neighbors
life

Guests Who Are Served Purchased Food Don't Need To Offer To Pay

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 17th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have made friends with another couple from church and we've invited them over for dinner a few times. Each time they've come over, we have cooked traditional Italian meals and dessert.

They have reciprocated by inviting us over to their place, where they have provided ordered-in food. These meals are not cheap, I'm sure, and I'm torn as to whether my husband and I should offer to pay for our portion of food.

We always offer to bring a bottle of wine or dessert, but is that enough? On one hand I'd hate for them to feel taken advantage of, but on the other I feel as though we alternate pretty fairly with who furnishes the meal.

GENTLE READER: In this Age of Greed, it is difficult to understand that giving money can be an insult.

Miss Manners knows you mean well, but paying your friends would tell them that you noticed that while you provided a home-cooked meal, they did not, and that they should not imagine that they have reciprocated, because you are paying your own way.

Your better thought is that what is important here is hospitality, not the food or what it cost.

Friends & NeighborsMoney
life

Death Is Legitimate Excuse For Canceling Social Commitment

Miss Manners by by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
Miss Manners | August 17th, 2014 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct thing to do if you are to attend a baby shower, but then you have a funeral for a family member (a not-close in-law) happen at the same time? Attend the already RSVP'd shower or the funeral?

GENTLE READER: The funeral. Miss Manners recognizes few excuses for canceling a social commitment, but death is a legitimate excuse. No one will think you have abandoned the shower for something that promises more fun.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DeathEtiquette & Ethics

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