DEAR MISS MANNERS: It seems like every time I turn around I am getting an invite from a friend to attend an in-home sales party. I personally despise these parties. I think the merchandise is overpriced, the products are not that great, and I cringe when I get the invite from a friend because I feel obligated to attend and buy something.

I put these parties up there with going to the ob/gyn.

I know this is a way for people to earn extra income and that times are tough with the economy, but I keep getting invited to these parties, and frankly, I don't want to get invited. Period.

How do I gently and kindly let people know that I appreciate the invite, and I think it's great they are starting a business of their own and I value their friendship, but I do not want any part of these, and to not include me in the future? I am running out of excuses not to attend, and some people just do not take the hint!

GENTLE READER: No excuses are necessary. Miss Manners assures you that there is no kind and gentle way to tell people that you approve of their choices in general, but do not care to socialize with them.

"I'm so sorry that I'm not going to be able to make it," is enough. To preserve the friendships, and incidentally to set a counter-example, you might invite them to visit you without having to bring their wallets.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I went out on a first date with a woman (I'm a woman too) with whom I had shared a lively and interesting email correspondence for several days. We connected on a dating website, where she had a funny and well-written online profile.

When I arrived at the restaurant, I discovered that she was quite tall and more masculine-looking than she had appeared in her pictures. It was apparent to me that she was transgendered.

However, it seemed quite impolite of me to ask, for instance, when she was talking about her childhood, "So, you were a boy then, right?"

I was in enough doubt that I just kept looking for clues, pro and con, as the conversation went on. She finally told me and expressed some incredulity that I didn't know, as I had said a few things that implied the assumption that she was a girl since birth.

I think she was a bit offended, though I can't imagine for what. I would think that would be the sort of thing you'd put in your profile. What should I have said?

GENTLE READER: "I would have considered it rude to make any assumptions."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does it mean when a man gives you a single red rose?

GENTLE READER: If you are on television's "The Bachelor," Miss Manners understands it to mean that you are allowed to remain for another episode -- or marry him, depending on ratings and where they are in the season.

In real life, it is a romantic gesture, the deeper significance of which can surely be explained by the man himself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enjoy the convenience of being able to access the Internet from my home. Lately, however, it seems that whenever I log on to look up a piece of information or dash off a quick note, friends or relatives who have placed me on their "buddy list" are alerted to my presence online and initiate instant-messaging conversations.

I find this unsettling, much as I would if these same friends or relatives received an alert when I picked up a book, turned on the television or pursued any other activity. If I ignore their instant messages, they will know I am online and choosing not to respond.

Is there any polite way to prevent these interruptions? Otherwise, how quickly may I end these conversations without being rude? These are people I would be happy to hear from by telephone or regular email, so I don't wish to offend them.

GENTLE READER: It took a long time for the computer industry to realize that people who were wonders at inventing new gadgets were not necessarily equally adept at fielding customer calls or writing instruction manuals.

Miss Manners has noticed that the industry has yet to make the same realization with regard to electronic manners.

The "status update" that you refer to is an engineer's solution to a manners problem -- and not a good one. One imagines that homeowners who did not wish to receive callers faced a similar dilemma with the invention of the electric light, since throwing the switch alerted everyone on the block that they were home.

Some online systems now allow you to limit such broadcasting of your activities. But for ones that offer no such privacy, politeness does not require that you answer every call simply because you can.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is your opinion of people who answer their cellphones when engaged in a conversation?

I understand there may be exceptions for emergencies, but otherwise it comes across to me as rude and makes me feel like second-best. It also breaks our connection -- especially when they can't remember what we were talking about when they end their cellphone talk.

I find it especially annoying when out on a date. Do you think I'm overreacting? What can I say so the other person might be understanding and cooperative rather than feeling put off?

GENTLE READER: Your goal is not to make your date be understanding, but to make her or him unterstand: Taking non-emergency calls while in company is rude.

Expressing interest in the call only condones the behavior, and even risks a rebuke for eavesdropping. And we know that correcting rudeness in others is itself rude.

Miss Manners instead recommends that you excuse yourself and leave the table, returning only after the call is complete. The timing is important -- and also challenging, as your destination is the bathroom, not the bar. Upon your return, apologize for taking so long, but say that since he or she was on a call, you are sure you will be forgiven.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The parents of a recent college grad mentioned that she needed a car (to drive to a new job, hopefully) and maybe related family members could pull together and find her suitable transportation.

One thing grew into another -- aunts and uncles dropped out of the effort -- and I wound up purchasing her a brand-new car off the dealer lot. I even let her pick the color. Red, of course.

Did I ever get a phone call after she picked up the car? No. Did we create a spoiled brat?

GENTLE READER: Apparently that was already accomplished by parents who taught her that if she wanted something they cannot afford, it would be all right to pressure other people to give it to her.

And amazingly enough, you complied.

But the ingratitude is amazing only because of its dimensions. All presents, big or small, require acknowledgment, despite the claim of the beneficiaries that it is selfish of the giver to expect any such return. And those people must be experts on selfishness.

But Miss Manners notes that your relative, who is old enough to be responsible for her own behavior, is acting not only callously, but also against her own future interests. Whom will she turn to when she wants a yacht?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a phone call from a friend who complimented me on my daughter's wedding invitation. We spoke briefly; then she shared with me that her husband had just lost his job. She then asked me if it would be all right if they postponed their gift until a later date, when they would be in a better position financially.

How or what was the best way to handle this? I was totally thrown off guard and had never heard of anyone doing something like this.

My attitude has always been, "If you can't afford to tip, you shouldn't be going to a restaurant." I would have said we are unable to attend the reception due to finances; however, we will be there to see her get married. Am I wrong or being too sensitive?

GENTLE READER: Wrong and insensitive is more like it.

Miss Manners will begin with your etiquette misdemeanors and build up to your crime against the very foundation of manners:

(1) You are wrong that wedding presents must be given at the time of the wedding. Anything up to a year afterward is acceptable.

(2) You are even more wrong to believe that presents are a condition of admission to a wedding celebration.

(3) Your reaction to the misfortune of someone you call a friend is so wrong it is frightening. The correct response would have been, "Don't even think about that. The important thing is that we want you there."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What should a woman do after she has been kissed on the hand? I am not sure if there is some gesture or response the woman should offer to "complete" the sense of a greeting/acknowledgment.

GENTLE READER: To respond to this gesture is to allow one's hand to be approached.

(Not actually kissed, because a proper gentleman kisses an inch or two above the hand, and would never attempt to do even that to an unmarried lady.)

Miss Manners warns you that this is not as passive or as easy as it sounds. Probably expecting a handshake, the lady will hold her hand stiffly vertical and so must gently rotate it to a horizontal position, allowing him to hold it from underneath while he kisses the air above the back of her hand.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)