DEAR MISS MANNERS: My good friend is obsessed with how expensive things are. She likes to share about her expensive, top-of-the-line jewelry, brand-new car, new house, luxurious vacations, large income tax refund and so on. She insists it's not bragging, as she is proud -- of her husband.

This is all paid for with what her husband makes and gives to her generously. She got mad at me once because I thanked her husband, but not her, for a dinner that he treated us to. She said it's her money, too. (She is unemployed and is a stay-at-home mom.)

I told her that when I go out with my parents, I thank my dad when he pulls out his credit card, not my mom. (I also thank my friends' husbands when they pay.) Nor does my mom care, or other wives that I know of. They have jobs and have shared credit cards, but he was the one with the card out, so it's an automatic thank-you to the person with a card.

How do I get this friend to stop obsessing and realize how she sounds when she is bragging about how expensive something is?

She has accused me of being jealous because I am not well off. But honestly, I have -- or had -- exactly the same income as her, minus the husband to pay off all her bills, or their house.

Even the husband complains how much he does for her, and she did not give him a Christmas present. I tell him that's his problem and he needs to address his issues with her. But as long as he enjoys spoiling her without expecting anything in return, that's his pattern in their relationship.

How do I tell him, too, that his spoiling her with the finest things is turning her into a princess who can't stop obsessing over how much things are? She gets angry very quickly, and I'm afraid I don't know how to bring it up to her that I don't care how much "they" made in tax returns. I get it and assume how luxurious her vacations are. I don't need her telling me the price tag.

GENTLE READER: Why do you need her at all? You describe this good friendship as being a constant round of bickering and bragging on one side, and interfering and nagging on the other side -- yours.

However, Miss Manners has learned that people who complain about impossible conditions while continuing to contribute to them may not be seeking change. The situation, such as it is, seems to work, and they are just venting.

This seems to be equally true of your friend's marriage, and of your friendship with her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Due to their similarity, can a butter knife be passed off as a fish knife in a formal setting (where there should be no butter knife present to reveal the ruse)?

GENTLE READER: If it is one of those notched butter servers, sure. Miss Manners promises not to tell.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I wrote a thank-you note to a co-worker over a year and half ago, and just this week it came back with a sticky note attached that said, "I am returning this card to you with the spirit in which it was given."

What does this mean? Is it a true thank-you, or a slap in the face? I am confused; I have never gotten a thank-you note back, and she held on to it for almost two years.

GENTLE READER: Nothing good can come from sentiments exchanged on sticky notes. Evidently, this person thought that your thank-you note was somehow sarcastic and has decided to take it as an insult.

Miss Manners suggests that you ignore it. If you still work with the writer and your curiosity gets the better of you, you may ask if you inadvertently offended her. But if the answer is yes, please resist the urge to write, "I'm sorry" on yet another sticky note.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will be moving far away soon, and I would like a way to show my friends how much I will miss them and how greatly I have appreciated having them in my life.

Would it be in poor taste for me to throw a going-away party for myself? Would there be a more appropriate way of naming such an event, since my goal is to celebrate the guests, even though I am the one leaving? I feel like it would be rude to hint to others that I want a party, but it does not seem quite polite to simply throw one myself. GENTLE READER: One doesn't have to name the occasion in order to host a party. That you wish to see your friends before you leave is reason enough.

Unfortunately, Miss Manners has found that in the current climate, making a party into an "event" makes people suspect that presents are somehow required. Simply invite your friends to a party, and if asked about the occasion, say, "I wanted to see everyone one more time before I moved."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For a few months, I received voice lessons from a lovely and talented tutor. However, I had to quit taking lessons because of scheduling conflicts.

Now, a year and a half later, I'm having some pangs of remorse. I really admired my tutor, but I never gave a reason for my failure to return.

I'm wondering, is it too late for me to write her a note, thanking her for what she taught me and explaining why I couldn't come back? Or do you think that after so long, it is inconsequential?

GENTLE READER: It would be lovely to send a note apologizing for discontinuing the lessons, especially if the transaction was abrupt. Briefly explain that your schedule prevented you from continuing.

Miss Manners notes that this was a business transaction, so social etiquette is not strictly required. But it is certainly never remiss to be thankful and polite, especially if you want to regain this person's trust in scheduling with you in the future.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiancee knows a woman who, virtues aside, is somewhat on the egocentric side, and at times can be overbearing and stressful to interact with. They tend to spend time together about once every week or two, and my fiancee considers this woman a friend, but not a really intimate one.

On a recent weekend, this woman called and left my fiancee voice messages on both Friday and Saturday nights. Then, on Sunday night, she called again and, getting through this time, her opening to the conversation was, "Have you been avoiding me?"

My fiancee asked me for advice on how she should've responded to that, and I was stuck scratching my head and saying, "That's such a rude thing to say in the first place that it's hard to imagine there can be a proper response to it."

But if there is a proper response, I'm sure Miss Manners knows it. What would it be?

GENTLE READER: There are always proper responses, even to rude questions, Miss Manners assures you.

In this case what your fiancee needs is a response, but not an answer -- as the question is both rude and leading: "I'm glad you caught me, and sorry I have not had a chance to get back to you yet. What's on your mind? Was it urgent?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are longtime friends with another couple, with whom we frequently go out and travel. They are wonderful people and share many of our interests. The wife is a very social, active person and seems to have plans for every night of the week.

This couple will often invite us along to their many (usually expensive) activities, some of which we must, of course, decline. The problem is that they seem to consider every "no" a "yes" waiting to happen, to the point that they have accused us of canceling at the last minute, when we have simply reiterated our regrets.

If they do actually hear "no," it becomes a constant interrogation up until the last minute. If we are honest, our reasons are criticized, and if we are vague, they will not stop questioning until we give an answer.

This problem is compounded by my husband, who considers it rude to decline an invitation at all, but particularly without giving a specific reason why we cannot attend.

GENTLE READER: Let us start with your husband. Miss Manners has frequently expounded on the rudeness of canceling invitations, once accepted. But there is no parallel ban on refusing an invitation in the first place.

And since no rudeness is being committed, there is no requirement to defend the refusal by citing reasons. It is, in fact, a bad idea, as the real reasons will, as you have discovered, initiate arguments about their validity.

Refuse politely, but firmly and without embarrassment. If the invitation is repeated, apologize and say you thought you were clear the first time in saying that you are definitely unable to attend. And when accused of canceling -- which would indeed be rude -- she suggests that you react with the shock that such an accusation deserves.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)