DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to "like" a person's post that they are sad, or have sad things going on? I don't want them thinking I am "liking" their sadness. I sympathize with them, is what I mean.

GENTLE READER: To express sympathy, it is essential to demonstrate that you are thinking about the person with whom you sympathize. A computer interface -- the purpose of which is to reduce the time spent to an absolute minimum -- will not convey this message convincingly.

If the depth of your sympathy extends as far as pressing a button, but not so far as writing a personal letter, Miss Manners fears that you are condemning yourself to being misunderstood.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son recently married his partner of many years, but now I do not know what to call him. Do I say my son-in-law when I mention him to others? I have heard men referring to their married partners as husbands, but how would I know which one is the husband -- my son or his partner? Or are both my son and his partner husbands? I am very confused and ashamed to ask my son.

GENTLE READER: The only part that confuses Miss Manners is that you are ashamed to ask your son. Why? Same-sex legal marriage being relatively new, it cannot be shameful to ask for preferred designations.

However, she can supply answers. Your son and his spouse are each other's husband, and the spouse is your son-in-law. You should have had practice all those years in introducing them as each other's partners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a student worker at my university. We use cellphones quite frequently to communicate with each other and the other employees when they are needed.

The only other person in the office with me is the administrative assistant, and occasionally her phone will be lying on the desk, ringing, while she is in the back room. She invariably will yell at me to "grab that" and answer her phone for her.

When I pick up a friend's phone, it is not difficult to say, "Rachel can't talk now," or, if I know the caller, to strike up a little conversation of my own. But in the office, it is usually her husband or one of her three children who is calling.

I never know how to answer, and usually fall back on my regular office-phone response: "Repair office, this is Susie." All this does is confuse whoever is calling her. I have contemplated saying a simple "hello" or "hi," but I am afraid this would involve interrupting the caller seconds later to explain that I am not who they think I am.

She has caller ID, so answering business calls is not such a problem. What would be the best way to answer personal ones?

GENTLE READER: Your professional response may confuse some callers, although it might also cause the university (or at least your supervisor) to re-examine the wisdom of conducting office business on personal telephones.

That would be preferable to dealing with the consequences of your inadvertently becoming party to something so personal that it embarrasses your careless co-worker. Failing that, Miss Manners would recommend the more neutral, "Hello, this is Rachel's line. May I take a message for her?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine had a graduation party for her child on a Thursday. She ordered a very expensive cake to be the centerpiece of the dessert table, surrounded by all sorts of cookies, fruit, etc., to be eaten that night.

She wanted the cake to be just the centerpiece and to be eaten on the night of the graduation, the following Sunday.

There was no cake knife anywhere near the cake. She thought people would get the hint, especially since she had another cake to be eaten in another room along with other goodies.

Someone took a plastic fork and stabbed the centerpiece cake when no one was looking. Some of us said that the centerpiece cake was fair game to be eaten along with all the other goodies on that table, even though there was no cake knife.

Others said, "Who would do such a thing?" Someone suggested that there should have been a note saying, "Display only, another cake in kitchen." Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps the sign should have said, "Hands off; this is for the A-list guests, not you." What Miss Manners finds most curious is that your friend thought that her guests would hold the same low opinion of themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My future sister-in-law just graduated with her Ph.D. She told me to call her "doctor," but I was always told that if you don't work with someone directly in their field, that doesn't apply.

Is that true? I understand it's out of respect, but I have never addressed other persons with their Ph.D. as "doctor." They also put Ph.D. at the end of their names, teach at universities and don't go by "doctor."

GENTLE READER: There are two attitudes that individuals and universities take toward the use of the title "doctor" for those who hold Ph.Ds.

One is that having been earned, it should be used, not only in professional situations when needed for identification, especially in academic positions, but also socially.

The other is not to use it -- not socially, but especially not in academic positions, because that level of education being assumed, it need not be expressly mentioned. As one professor (namely, Miss Manners' Uncle Selig) once put it, "A Ph.D. is like a nose -- everyone has one. It's only conspicuous if you don't have one."

Which form of snobbery is preferable, or perhaps more effective, others can decide. Obviously, your prospective sister-in-law espouses the first-named approach. And she is covered by two rules:

1. Address people as they wish to be addressed.

2. Try not to annoy your relatives unnecessarily.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When do you send wedding announcements? Can you send them prior to the wedding, to let people know you plan on getting married?

GENTLE READER: Announcing that something has happened before it actually has is asking for trouble. Miss Manners trusts that there will be no jilting at the altar, but it has been known to happen.

Besides, an announcement received beforehand is bound to be taken by some as an invitation, and could bring unexpected guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My current boyfriend and I are quickly approaching our one-year anniversary and made a trip to look at engagement rings. As I plan a future with him, I still have a couple of trinkets at home from a previous relationship: a pair of silver earrings I received as a birthday gift from an ex-boyfriend, and a pair of sweatpants taken from the same ex-boyfriend's closet.

I still wear the earrings and occasionally curl up in the comfy sweatpants. Is it wrong to keep them? Should I tell my boyfriend where (or rather, from whom) I received them?

GENTLE READER: Are you prepared for his response?

Miss Manners would have been inclined to allow you to keep the earrings and not mention from whom they came (or say "an old friend gave them to me," which is perfectly true). But your intimate description of the sweatpants (from the same person, no less) is making her question your loyalties -- and she fears that your beau would too.

It would seem easier all around to give or put away gifts from an old boyfriend if he truly means nothing to you now. If your future fiance won't allow you to wear his sweatpants, presumably it would still be preferable to keep the man that is still in them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one respond to a co-worker who brags about getting a trust fund check every quarter? With the latest check, she has mentioned to me (twice) everything that she has bought with it, or that she paid off. I just sit and nod my head, currently.

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, that is about all one can politely do. Miss Manners suggests you change the subject by mentioning local charities you know that are looking for funding -- as long as you refrain from adding that you might be among them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I were married seven months ago, we agreed that each of us would be responsible for writing thank-you notes for the wedding gifts given by our closest family and friends. I wrote the notes to my close friends and my husband signed his name next to mine; I co-signed several lovely notes written by my husband.

Unfortunately, my husband stopped after just a few notes and has left the rest unwritten. I've tried gentle and less gentle reminders, and while he acknowledges the importance of the notes, he hasn't taken the time to finish them. I feel deeply embarrassed and complicit in our lack of expressed gratitude.

I clearly can't force my husband to write the notes. I also know I will feel resentful if I decide to write notes to his close friends and family on our behalf that are many months late. What would you advise me to do?

GENTLE READER: Sympathize with his not wanting to do this, and write the letters yourself.

Wait -- before you unleash your resentment on Miss Manners, let her finish. Then pick some comparable chore that you find annoying and ask your husband to take it over. Evening things out by each of you doing what you don't mind and sparing the other from tasks that you or he does mind makes for a pleasanter marriage.